你的依恋类型是什么？：英语精读讲义

One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology 語法

20世纪心理学史上最伟大的问卷之一，

had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper, 短語搭配

悄然诞生于科罗拉多州一份地方报纸的版面上，

the Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.

那是1985年7月的《落基山新闻》。

The work of two University of Denver psychologists,

这是两名丹佛大学心理学家的作品，

Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver,

辛迪·哈赞和菲利普·谢弗，

the questionnaire asked readers to identify

这份问卷要求读者选出

which of three statements most closely reflected

以下三句话中哪一句最能反映

who they were in love. 語法

他们在恋爱中的状态。

To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships, 短語搭配

为了极大地提升我们在感情中获得幸福的几率，

we should dare to take the same test.

我们也应该敢于做一下同样的测试。

Option A:

选项A：

I find it relatively easy to get close to others 語法

我觉得与他人亲近相对容易，

and I'm comfortable depending on them

我很乐意依赖他们，

and having them depend on me. 語法

也乐于让他们依赖我。

I don't worry about being abandoned

我不担心被抛弃，

or about someone getting too close to me.

也不担心别人与我太过亲近。

Option B:

选项B：

I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. 語法

我觉得别人不太愿意像我期望的那样亲近我。

I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me

我经常担心我的伴侣不是真的爱我，

or won't want to stay with me.

或者不想和我在一起。

I want to get very close to my partner

我想和我的伴侣非常亲近，

and this sometimes scares people away. 短語動詞

而这有时会把人吓跑。

Option C:

选项C：

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others.

我对与他人亲近感到有些不舒服。

I find it difficult to trust them completely,

我发现很难完全信任他们，

difficult to allow myself to depend on them. 語法

也很难让自己依赖他们。

I'm nervous when anyone gets too close

当有人靠得太近时我会感到紧张，

and often others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. 語法

别人常常希望我比我感觉舒服的程度更亲密。

Which of these options applies to you?

这些选项中哪一个符合你？

A, B or C?

A，B，还是C？

Behind the scenes, 習語

在这些选项背后，

the options refer to the three main styles of relating to other people

它们其实指的是人们与他人建立联系的三种主要风格，

first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby,

最早由英国心理学家约翰·鲍尔比提出，

the inventor of attachment theory in the 1950s and 60s.

他在20世纪50年代和60年代创立了依恋理论。

Option A signals what is known as a secure pattern of attachment, 語法

选项A代表的是所谓的“安全型依恋”，

whereby love and trust come easily. 用詞

这种类型的人很容易产生爱和信任。

Option B refers to what's known as the anxious pattern of attachment,

选项B代表的是所谓的“焦虑型依恋”，

where one longs to be intimate with others

这种类型的人渴望与他人亲密，

but is continuously scared of letdown 用詞

但又总是害怕失望，

and often precipitates crises in relationships 用詞

且往往会导致关系中的危机，

through counterproductively aggressive behavior.

因为他们会采取适得其反的攻击性行为。

Option C is what is known as the avoidant pattern of attachment,

选项C代表的是所谓的“回避型依恋”，

where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy

这种类型的人觉得通过独处和情感抽离

through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal. 用詞

来避免亲密关系的危险要容易得多。

Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use, 短語搭配

报纸上的问卷很少有太大用处，

but Hazan and Shaver's is the momentous exception. 表達脈絡

但哈赞和谢弗的问卷是个极其重要的例外。

If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships, 語法

如果我们必须做一件事来改善我们的关系，

it is to know ahead of time 短語搭配

那就是提前了解

which of the three categories we predominantly belong to,

我们主要属于这三个类别中的哪一个，

A, B or C,

A，B，还是C，

and to deploy the knowledge in love 用詞

并将这些知识运用到爱情中，

so as to warn ourselves and others 語法

以便警告自己和他人

of the traps we might fall into. 習語

我们可能会掉入哪些陷阱。

We then need a little training

然后我们需要一点点训练，

because half of us at least are not secure in love.

因为我们中至少有一半人在爱情中没有安全感。

We belong in the camps of either the avoidant or the anxious,

我们属于回避型或焦虑型阵营，

and we have, to complicate matters, 表達脈絡

让事情更复杂的是，我们还会有

an above-average propensity to fall in love 短語搭配

高于平均水平的倾向，去爱上

with someone from the other damaged side,

属于另一种受损类型的某个人，

thereby aggravating our insecurities and defenses in the process. 語法

从而在这个过程中加剧我们的不安全感和防御心理。

Here is a brief list of what avoidance and anxious types

下面简要列出了回避型和焦虑型的人

should keep in mind in their relationships.

在恋爱中应该记住的事项。

If you are an avoidant with someone anxiously attached, well,

如果你是一个拥有焦虑型伴侣的回避型人，那么，

recognize the extent to which you check out emotionally 講解

认清你在情感上抽离的程度，

when things are intense,

当事情变得紧张时，

particularly when there is an offer of closeness.

特别是当对方提出想要亲近时。

Recognize how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers

认识到你为什么更倾向于和陌生人发生关系和亲近，

and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.

以及你对拥抱和亲吻会有多紧张。

You probably don't want to keep the light on either.

你可能也不想开着灯。

Watch how you sabotage long-term intimacy. 用詞

注意你是如何破坏长期的亲密关系的。

Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.

怀抱同情心去理解，你其实是在害怕自己真正想要的东西。

Think back to how in your past 短語動詞

回想一下你的过去，

closeness would have been frightening

亲密感曾经是令人恐惧的，

because people let you down 短語動詞

因为别人让你失望过，

and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. 短語搭配

并观察你是如何采取了抽离的策略来保护自己的。

You are hurt, not bad. 表達脈絡

你只是受了伤，并不是坏人。

Remind yourself that the present is different from the past

提醒自己，现在和过去不同了，

and that you are ruining the present

而你正在破坏现在，

by bringing to it fear-laden dynamics that don't actually belong there. 用詞

因为你把本来不属于现在的恐惧感带入了其中。

It may feel like your partner is being aggressive

你可能觉得你的伴侣很有攻击性，

and ill-tempered with you for no reason.

而且无缘无故地对你发脾气。

They are, at heart, upset 習語

他们其实在心底是很难过的，

and unable to express their needs in any other way. They want you

并且无法用其他方式表达他们的需求。他们想要你，

and that's why they are behaving as they are.

这就是为什么他们会这样表现。

Look beneath their nagging and their accusations 習語

审视他们的唠叨和指责的背后，

and believe in their underlying goodwill.

并相信他们内心深处的善意。

When they attack you,

当他们攻击你时，

see their longing for love.

看到他们对爱的渴望。

Do that very frightening thing,

去做那件非常令人害怕的事吧，

extend reassurance and explain calmly the appeal of the cave. 習語

给予他们安抚，并平静地解释你为什么想要独处。

If you are an anxious person with an avoidant partner,

如果你是一个拥有回避型伴侣的焦虑型人，

here are some other things to bear in mind. 短語搭配

这里有一些其他需要记住的事情。

Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem. 語法

事情不一定像看起来那么糟。

The other person's quiet might just be quiet, 表達脈絡

对方的安静可能只是安静而已，

not a lack of love.

并不是不爱。

Their distance isn't necessarily meanness.

他们的疏远不一定是恶意。

It might be their way of maintaining equilibrium. 用詞

那可能是他们维持平衡的方式。

On the other hand, you are not demented or needy to want more, 講解

另一方面，想要更多并不是你疯了或太黏人，

but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need

但你处理合理需求的方式

may be aggravating things hugely. 用詞

可能会让事情变得非常糟糕。

You might be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy 用詞

你可能会因为要求亲密

too directly and also probably with too much anger.

太过直接，可能还带有太多愤怒，而激惹到你的伴侣。

Realize that you need to tread lightly 習語

意识到你需要小心行事，

and to be a little distant in requesting closeness.

在要求亲密时要保持一点距离。

Your partner isn't mean or freakish,

你的伴侣不是刻薄或怪异，

merely damaged as a you,

只是和你一样受了伤，

and that's very normal.

而这很正常。

A full 40% of the population are in your positions,

整整40%的人都处在你们的位置上，

either insecurely attached or anxiously attached.

要么是缺乏安全感的依恋，要么是焦虑型依恋。

Knowing whether we can be classed as secure, avoidant or anxious in love 語法

了解自己在爱情中属于安全型、回避型还是焦虑型，

should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.

应该是我们需要掌握的关于自己的基本事实。

The next step is to accept with grace 短語搭配

下一步是坦然接受：

that if we are either avoidant or anxious,

如果我们是回避型或焦虑型，

we're going to need considerable emotional schooling 習語

我们将需要大量的的情感训练，

to get out of scratchy patterns 習語

才能摆脱那种充满摩擦的相处模式，

and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship. 短語搭配

并有机会建立起足够好的恋爱关系。

Our Relationships Book calmly guides us

我们的《关系之书》平静地引导我们，

with calm and charm

带着从容与魅力，

through the key issues of relationships

走过恋爱关系中的关键问题，

to ensure that success in love

以确保在爱情中获得成功

need not be a matter of good luck.

不必全凭好运气。

For more, click the link now.

欲了解更多，请立即点击链接。