如何停止讨好别人：英语精读讲义

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Being someone who pleases people sounds on the face of it like a very good idea. 短語搭配

做一个讨好别人的人，表面上听起来是个很好的主意。

But it's a pattern of behavior riddled with problems, 習語

但这是一种问题重重的行为模式，

as much for the perpetrator as for their audience. 語法

对当事人及其周围的人来说都是如此。

The people-pleaser is someone who might at times be oneself,

讨好者有时可能就是我们自己，

who feels they have no option but to mold themselves to the expectations of others and yet harbors all manner of secret and at points dangerous reservations and resentments. 講解

他们觉得自己别无选择，只能迎合他人的期望，但内心却隐藏着各种秘密的、有时甚至是危险的保留和怨恨。

They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much darker. 表達脈絡

他们表现得像个完美的恋人，真实的感受却要阴暗得多。

They give their assent to plans they hate 短語搭配

他们对讨厌的计划点头同意，

and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express in due time with the requisite courage their authentic needs and ambitions. 短語搭配

因为没有及时、有勇气地表达出真实的需求与抱负，让他们周围的所有人感到困惑。

Putting it bluntly, 語氣意圖

坦白地说，

we could say that the people-pleaser is a liar.

我们可以说讨好者就是个骗子。

It sounds brutal,

这听起来很残酷，

but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons, 用詞

但讨好者说谎有着令人心酸的原因，

not in order to gain advantage, 語法

不是为了占便宜，

but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.

而是因为他们非常害怕引起别人的不悦。

To understand and potentially sympathize with the people-pleaser,

要理解甚至同情讨好者，

we need to look at their past,

我们需要看看他们的过去，

which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people,

这几乎无一例外地涉及到早年与人相处的经历，

usually a mother or father,

通常是母亲或父亲，

who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child. 語法

他们似乎极其、甚至可怕地无法接受和宽容孩子身上某些必然却又可能有些棘手的事实。

Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement, 習語

也许父亲一遇到任何分歧就会勃然大怒，

to present an opposing political idea, 表達脈絡

无论是提出相反的政治观点，

to suggest we wanted something different to eat,

还是表示想吃点别的东西，

to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety, 短語搭配

或者是坦白我们的疲惫或焦虑，

all these could threaten us with annihilation.

所有这些都可能让我们面临被彻底否定的威胁。

To survive, 表達脈絡

为了生存，

we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say. 講解

我们必须对别人的期望做出敏锐的反应。

The very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority, 表達脈絡

至于我们自己真正想要什么，已经退居其次，让位给了一个无比重要的当务之急，

manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom at that time our lives depended. 講解

那就是疯狂地揣测那些在当时主宰我们生命的人的心思。

We didn't always lie out of fear. 表達脈絡

我们并不总是因为害怕而说谎。

It was also often out of love for someone we were profoundly attached to, 短語搭配

很多时候也是出于对我们深深依恋的人的爱，

but who was vulnerable in some way.

但他们在某些方面很脆弱。

We lied out of a longing not to set off another marital row, 講解

我们说谎是因为渴望不要引发另一场婚姻争吵，

a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood 短語搭配

渴望让抑郁的父母保持好心情，

and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life.

也是为了避免给原本就已经非常艰难或悲伤的生活增加负担。

Who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for? 語氣意圖

我们算老几，凭什么让我们在乎的脆弱之人把事情变得更加复杂？

However understandable the origins of our behavior, 語法

尽管我们行为的起源是可以理解的，

in the more reflexive moments of adulthood,

但在成年后较多反思的时刻，

we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing. 習語

我们也许能找到三条走出这些艰难讨好模式的途径。

The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues,

首先，我们要提醒自己，我们的同事、

partners,

伴侣、

and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood. 語法

和朋友几乎可以肯定，与我们在童年时期产生焦虑的那些人完全不同。

Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, 短語搭配

大多数人都能很好地应对一点矛盾、

a dose of unwelcome information,

一些不受欢迎的信息，

or an occasional rejection delivered with requisite politeness. 短語搭配

或者是带着必要礼貌的偶尔拒绝。

The other is not going to explode or dissolve. 習語

对方不会因此大发雷霆或崩溃。

We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole. 短語搭配

我们在面对一群根本不能代表整个人类的人时，养成了一种非常特殊的与世界相处的习惯。

Secondly,

其次，

we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side effects of our behavior. 用詞

我们需要承认我们的行为在无意中带来的有害副作用。

We may genuinely have good intentions, 表達脈絡

我们的初衷可能是好的，

but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly.

但如果不坦诚相待，我们会让所有人陷入危险。

At work,

在工作中，

we aren't doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations. 短語搭配

隐瞒疑虑和保留意见对任何人都没有好处。

And in love,

而在爱情中，

there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us. 語法

仅仅因为对方似乎没有我们就活不下去而维持一段关系，这根本不是什么善意。

They will, 語法

他们能活下去，

but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality. 語法

但我们会因为自己的感情用事而浪费他们大量的时间。

Finally,

最后，

we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart. 講解

我们能够获得自信，巧妙地传达那些艰难的信息。

As a child,

在孩童时期，

we couldn't nuance the messages we wanted to send out. 用詞

我们无法对想要传达的信息进行细微的调整。

We didn't know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. 習語

我们不知道如何将原始的痛苦和需求变成令人信服的解释。

But now,

但现在，

it's open to us to be firm in our views, 講解

我们可以坚定自己的观点，

but extremely genial as well.

同时又非常和蔼可亲。

We can say no while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill. 語氣意圖

我们可以在拒绝的同时表达出十足的善意。

We can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot. 語氣意圖

我们可以在说别人错了的同时，不暗示他们是个白痴。

We can leave someone while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us. 語氣意圖

我们可以在离开某人时，确保他们明白这段关系对我们有多重要。

We can,

我们可以，

in other words, 表達脈絡

换句话说，

be pleasant without being people-pleasers. 語法

做到和蔼可亲而不是讨好别人。

We partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills

我们今天与 Skillshare 合作，因为对于任何想学习新技能的人来说，它都是一个极好的起点，

and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you.

而且他们给我们提供了一个惊人的优惠来转送给你们。

The first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a 2-month free trial.

前 500 名使用简介链接注册的人，将获得2个月的免费试用期。

If you haven't heard of Skillshare before,

如果你以前没听说过 Skillshare，

it's home to thousands of classes in graphic design,

它汇集了成千上万门课程，包括平面设计、

animation,

动画、

web development,

网页开发、

music,

音乐、

photography,

摄影、

design,

设计、

and more.

等等。

You can start learning how to do just about anything.

你几乎可以开始学习任何东西。

In 2 months,

在 2 个月内，

you could easily learn the skills you need to start a new hobby or business.

你可以轻松学会开启一项新爱好或业务所需的技能。

Is there a project that you've been dreaming of completing,

是否有你一直梦想完成的项目，

but just aren't sure if you have the skills to do it?

却不确定自己是否有能力去做？

Why not start right now and sign up to Skillshare using the link below.

为什么不现在就开始，使用下面的链接注册 Skillshare 呢。