真实自我与虚假自我：英语精读讲义

One of the most surprising but powerful explanations 語法

最令人惊讶却又最有力的一种解释，

for why we may, as adults, be in trouble mentally,

解释为什么我们在成年后可能会遇到心理问题，

is that we were, in our earliest years,

是因为在早年时期，

denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves. 短語搭配

我们被剥夺了完全做自己的机会。

That is, we were not allowed to be willful and difficult.

也就是说，我们不被允许任性、难搞。

We could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant, 語法

我们不能像我们需要的那样，

and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be.

表现得苛求、有攻击性、不宽容，以及毫无节制地自私。

Because our caregivers were preoccupied or fragile,

因为我们的照顾者要么心事重重，要么内心脆弱，

we had to be preternaturally attuned to their demands, 用詞

我们不得不异常敏锐地迎合他们的需求，

sensing that we had to comply

意识到我们必须顺从，

in order to be loved and tolerated.

才能被爱和被包容。

We had to be false 表達脈絡

我们不得不伪装自己，

before we had the chance

在我们有机会

to feel properly alive.

真正感受到生命力之前。

And as a result, many years later,

结果，多年以后，

without quite understanding the process,

在并不完全理解这个过程的情况下，

we risk feeling unanchored, inwardly dead, 講解

我们面临着感到无依无靠、内心枯竭的风险，

and somehow not entirely present.

并且莫名地感到自己并未完全活在当下。

This psychological theory of the true and the false self 文化背景

这个关于真实自我与虚假自我的心理学理论，

is the work of one of the 20th century's greatest thinkers,

是20世纪最伟大的思想家之一，

the English psychoanalyst and child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott.

英国精神分析学家和儿童精神科医生唐纳德·温尼科特（Donald Winnicott）的杰作。

In a series of papers written in the 1960s,

在写于20世纪60年代的一系列论文中，

and based on close observations of his adult and infant patients, 短語搭配

基于对其成人和婴儿患者的密切观察，

Winnicott advanced the view that healthy development 短語搭配

温尼科特提出了一种观点，即健康的发展

invariably requires us

总是需要我们

to experience the immense life-sustaining luxury 習語

去体验一种维持生命的巨大奢侈——

of a period when we don't have to bother 短語搭配

在一段时期内，我们不必去操心

with the feelings and opinions of those who are tasked 短語搭配

那些负责照顾我们的人

with looking after us. 短語動詞

的感受和意见。

We can be wholly and without guilt our true selves,

我们可以毫无内疚地完全做真实的自己，

because those around us have, for a time,

因为我们周围的人在一段时间内，

adapted themselves entirely to our needs and desires, 短語搭配

已经完全适应了我们的需求和渴望，

however inconvenient and arduous these might be. 語法

无论这些需求可能有多么不便和艰巨。

The true self of the infant in Winnicott's formulation

温尼科特构想中婴儿的真实自我，

is by nature asocial and amoral. 用詞

本质上是非社会化和非道德的。

It isn't interested in the feelings of others.

它对别人的感受不感兴趣。

It isn't socialized.

它没有经过社会化。

It screams when it needs to,

它会在需要的时候尖叫，

even if it's the middle of the night

哪怕是在半夜，

or on a crowded train.

或者在拥挤的火车上。

It may be aggressive, biting,

它可能会有攻击性，会咬人，

and in the eyes of a stickler for manners 習語

在那些注重礼仪的人

or a lover of hygiene,

或者热爱卫生的人眼里，

shocking and a bit disgusting.

它是令人震惊，甚至有点恶心的。

It wants to express itself

它想要表达自己，

where and how it wants.

在它想表达的地方，以它想要的方式。

It can be sweet, of course,

当然，它也可以很可爱，

but on its own terms, 習語

但那是按它自己的条件，

not in order to charm or bargain for love. 習語

而不是为了讨好或换取爱。

If a person is to have any sense 語法

如果一个人要在成年后

of feeling real as an adult,

获得任何真实存在的感觉，

then it has to have enjoyed

那他必须曾经享受过

the immense emotional privilege

这种巨大的情感特权，

of being able to be true in this way,

能够以这种方式做真实的自己，

to disturb people when it wants, 表達脈絡

想打扰别人的时候就去打扰，

to kick when it's angry,

生气的时候就去踢打，

to scream when it's tired,

累的时候就尖叫，

to bite when it's feeling aggressive.

感到有攻击性的时候就去咬人。

The true self of the child

孩子的真实自我

must be granted the imaginative opportunity 短語搭配

必须被赋予想象的机会，

to destroy the parent when it's in a rage,

在愤怒时去摧毁父母，

and then witness the parent surviving and enduring,

然后见证父母幸存并坚持下来，

which lends the child a vital and immensely reassuring sense 短語搭配

这给了孩子一种至关重要且极大地令人安心的感觉：

that it's not, in fact,

它实际上并不像自己想象的那样，

omnipotent

无所不能，

and that the world won't collapse 習語

而且世界不会坍塌，

simply because it sometimes wishes or fears it could.

仅仅因为它有时希望或害怕世界会坍塌。

When things go well,

当一切顺利时，

gradually and willingly,

孩子会逐渐且自愿地，

the child develops a false self,

发展出一个虚假自我，

a capacity to behave

一种行为能力，

according to the demands of external reality. 講解

能够根据外部现实的要求行事。

This is what enables a child to submit 講解

这正是让孩子能够顺应

to the rigors of school

学校的严格要求，

and, as it develops into an adult,

以及在长成大人后，

of working life as well.

顺应工作生活要求的原因。

When we have been given the chance

当我们被给予了机会

to be our true selves,

去做真实的自己，

we don't, at every occasion,

我们就不必在每个场合，

need to rebel and insist on our needs.

都要反叛并坚持自己的需求。

We can follow the rules 表達脈絡

我们可以遵守规则，

because we have, for a time,

因为我们曾经在一段时间里，

been able to ignore them entirely.

能够完全无视它们。

In other words,

换句话说，

Winnicott was not a thorough enemy

温尼科特并不是虚假自我的

of a false self.

绝对敌人。

He understood its role well enough.

他非常清楚它的作用。

He simply insisted that it belonged to health

他只是坚持认为，它只有在

only when it had been preceded 語法

经历过彻底的

by a thorough

不受羁绊的

earlier experience

真实自我的早期体验之后，

of an untrammeled true self. 用詞

才属于健康的状态。

Unfortunately,

不幸的是，

many of us have not enjoyed

我们中的许多人并没有享受过

such an ideal start.

这样理想的开端。

Perhaps mother was depressed

也许母亲情绪抑郁，

or father was often in a rage.

或者父亲经常暴怒。

Maybe there was an older or younger sibling

也许有一个哥哥或妹妹

who was in a crisis

正处于危机之中，

and required all the attention.

需要所有的关注。

The result is that we will have learned 語法

结果是我们早早就学会了

to comply

顺从，

far too early.

实在太早了。

We will have become obedient at the expense 習語

我们变得乖巧，代价却是

of our ability to feel authentically ourselves.

失去了真实感受自我的能力。

In relationships,

在恋爱关系中，

we may now be polite

我们现在可能很有礼貌，

and geared to the needs of our partners, 短語搭配

处处照顾伴侣的需求，

but not, for that matter, 表達脈絡

但同样地，

able properly to love.

却无法好好去爱。

At work,

在工作中，

we may be dutiful,

我们可能尽职尽责，

but uncreative and unoriginal.

但缺乏创造力和独创性。

In such circumstances,

在这样的情况下，

and this is its genius,

心理治疗——这也是它的天才之处——

psychotherapy offers us a second chance. 短語搭配

给了我们第二次机会。

In the hands of a good therapist, 習語

在一位优秀的治疗师手中，

we are allowed to regress 用詞

我们被允许退行

before the time when we started to be false,

到我们开始伪装自己之前的那段时光，

back to the moment when we so desperately needed 表達脈絡

回到那个我们如此极度需要

to be true.

做真实自己的时刻。

In the therapist's office,

在治疗室里，

safely contained by their maturity and care, 用詞

在他们成熟的关怀所提供的安全包容中，

we can learn once more to be real.

我们可以重新学习变得真实。

We can be intemperate,

我们可以毫无节制，

difficult,

难以相处，

unconcerned with anyone but ourselves, 語法

除了自己以外谁都不关心，

selfish,

自私自利，

unimpressive,

毫不起眼，

aggressive,

充满攻击性，

and shocking.

令人震惊。

And the therapist will take it 用詞

而治疗师会接纳这一切，

and thereby help us to experience 表達脈絡

从而帮助我们体验

a new sense of aliveness,

一种新的生命力，

which should have been there from the start. 語法

这种生命力本应从一开始就存在。

The demand to be false,

那种要求我们伪装的压力，

which never goes away,

虽然永远不会消失，

becomes more bearable

但却变得更加可以忍受了，

because we are regularly being allowed

因为我们被定期允许，

in the privacy

在治疗室的

of the therapist's room,

私密空间里，

once a week or so,

大约每周一次，

to be true.

做真实的自己。

Winnicott was famously calm

温尼科特以其平静而闻名，

and generous towards his patients 短語搭配

当他的患者

when they were attempting to refind

试图通过这种方式找回他们的真实自我时，

their true selves in this way.

他对他们表现出了极大的慷慨。

One of them smashed

其中一个人打碎了

a favorite vase of his.

他最喜欢的一个花瓶。

Another stole his money.

另一个人偷了他的钱。

A third shouted insults at him

第三个人在一次又一次的治疗中，

session after session. 短語搭配

对着他大喊大叫地辱骂。

But Winnicott was unruffled, 用詞

但温尼科特毫不慌乱，

knowing that this was part

他知道这只是

of a journey back towards health, 習語

恢复健康的旅程的一部分，

away from the deadly fakeness

是为了远离那种

afflicting these patients

在其余生中折磨着

in the rest of their lives.

这些患者的致命的虚假。

We can be grateful to Winnicott 短語搭配

我们可以感谢温尼科特，

for reminding us that contentment

因为他提醒了我们，内心的满足

and a feeling of reality

和真实感

have to pass through stages 短語搭配

必须经过

of almost limitless delinquent selfishness.

几乎无限的、像不良少年般自私的阶段。

There is simply no other way. 表達脈絡

根本没有别的路可走。

We have to be true 表達脈絡

我们必须先是真实的，

before we can be productively a bit fake.

然后才能建设性地变得有一点虚假。

And if we have never been allowed, 語法

如果我们从未被允许这样做过，

then our sickness and depression

那么我们的疾病和抑郁，

is there to remind us 語法

就是为了提醒我们，

that we need to take a step back, 習語

我们需要后退一步，

and therapy is there to allow us

而心理治疗正是为了让我们

to do so.

能够做到这一点。

Please do comment,

请发表评论、

like, and subscribe,

点赞并订阅，

and take a look at our shop

并前往我们的商店看看，

for more from The School of Life.

以获取更多来自生命学院（The School of Life）的内容。