为什么我们会选择难相处的伴侣：英语精读讲义

Theoretically,

理论上说，

we are free to select the kind of person we love. 語法

我们可以自由选择我们爱的人。

We might have chosen someone else. 語法

我们本可以选择别人。

We're not being forced into a relationship by social convention 短語搭配

我们并未被社会习俗

or matchmaking or dynastic imperatives.

或媒妁之言、家族使命强迫进入一段关系。

But in reality, 表達脈絡

但在现实中，

our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine. 語法

我们选择爱人的自由度可能比想象中要小得多。

Some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to

在我们能爱谁、能对谁产生真正的吸引力这件事上，一些非常真实的限制

come from a place we might not think to look. 表達脈絡

来自一个我们可能想不到去看的角落。

Our childhoods.

我们的童年。

Our psychological history strongly predisposes us to fall for only certain types of people. 講解

我们的心理历程强烈地预先决定了我们只会爱上特定类型的人。

We love along grooves formed in childhood. 習語

我们沿着童年形成的轨迹去爱。

We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love

我们在寻找那些能在很多方面重现我们小时候

we knew when we were small.

所体会到的爱的感觉的人。

The problem is that the love we imbibed in childhood 用詞

问题是，我们在童年时吸收的爱

was unlikely to have been made up simply of generosity, 短語動詞

不太可能仅仅由慷慨、

tenderness and kindness.

温柔和善良组成。

Given the way the world is, 表達脈絡

鉴于这个世界的运作方式，

love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects. 講解

爱往往与某些痛苦的方面交织在一起。

A feeling of not being quite good enough,

一种觉得自己不够好的感觉，

a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed,

对脆弱或抑郁的父母的爱，

a sense that one could never be fully vulnerable around a caregiver.

或者觉得在看护者面前永远不能完全暴露脆弱的感觉。

This predisposes us to look in adulthood for partners

这使我们在成年后倾向于寻找这样的伴侣：

who won't necessarily simply be kind to us,

他们不一定对我们有多好，

but who will,

但他们会，

most importantly,

最重要的是，

feel familiar, 用詞

感觉很熟悉，

which can be a subtly,

这可能是种微妙的，

but importantly,

但却很关键的

different thing.

不同之处。

We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates

我们可能会被迫忽略一些潜在的对象，

because they don't satisfy a yearning for the complexities that we associate with love. 短語搭配

因为他们无法满足我们对那些与爱相关联的复杂情愫的渴望。

We may describe someone as not sexy or boring,

我们可能会形容某人不性感或很无聊，

when in truth we mean 表達脈絡

而实际上我们的意思是：

unlikely to make me suffer

他不太可能让我遭受

in the way I need to suffer

我需要遭受的那种痛苦，

in order to feel that love is real.

好让我觉得这份爱是真实的。

It's common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates 講解

人们通常会建议那些被复杂对象吸引的人

simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome.

干脆离开他们，去找个更健康的人。

This is both theoretically appealing and often practically impossible. 表達脈絡

这在理论上很诱人，但在实践中往往是不可能的。

We cannot magically redirect the wellsprings of attraction. 習語

我们无法像变魔术一样改变吸引力的源泉。

Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we're attracted to, 語法

与其试图改变我们受吸引的人的类型，

it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave

倒不如单纯调整我们应对和表现的方式可能会更明智，

around the occasionally difficult characters

尤其是在面对那些偶尔难相处的角色时，

whom our past mandates we will find compelling.

正是我们的过往注定了我们会觉得他们不可抗拒。

Our problems are often generated because we continue to respond

我们的问题往往是因为我们在面对

to compelling people

那些有吸引力的人时，

in the way that we learned to behave as children 語法

继续以我们小时候学到的、

around their templates.

在他们原型面前表现出的行为方式来回应。

For instance,

例如，

maybe we had a rather irate parent who often raised their voice. 短語搭配

也许我们有一个相当易怒、经常提高嗓门的父母。

We loved them and reacted by feeling that when they were angry,

我们爱他们，而我们的反应是觉得当他们生气时，

we must be guilty.

一定是我们的错。

We got timid or humble.

我们变得胆怯或卑微。

Now,

现在，

if a partner to whom we are magnetically drawn gets cross, 講解

如果一个让我们充满磁性般吸引力的伴侣生气了，

we respond as squashed, browbeaten children.

我们的反应就像被压制、被恐吓的孩子。

We sulk,

我们生闷气，

we feel it's our fault,

我们觉得这是我们的错，

we feel got at and yet deserving of criticism. 短語動詞

我们觉得自己被找茬了，但又觉得理应受到批评。

We build up a lot of resentment. 短語動詞

我们积累了很多怨恨。

Or perhaps we're drawn to someone with a short fuse, 習語

或者也许我们被一个脾气暴躁的人吸引，

which makes us blow up in turn. 短語動詞

这反而让我们也跟着爆发。

Or if we had a fragile, vulnerable parent who was easily hurt,

或者如果我们有一个脆弱、敏感、容易受伤的父母，

we readily end up with a partner who's also a bit weak 短語動詞

我们就很容易最终找到一个同样有些软弱、

and demands us to care for them. 語法

需要我们照顾的伴侣。

But then we get frustrated by their weakness.

但随后我们又会对他们的软弱感到沮丧。

We tiptoe around them, 習語

我们在他们周围小心翼翼，

we try to encourage and reassure as we did when we were little,

我们像小时候那样试图鼓励和安慰他们，

but we also condemn this person for being undeserving. 短語搭配

但我们同时也谴责这个人不值得。

We probably can't change our templates of attraction,

我们可能无法改变我们的吸引力模式，

but rather than seek to radically re-engineer our instincts, 習語

但与其寻求从根本上重塑我们的本能，

what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable candidates 語法

我们可以做的是尝试学习如何对待理想的对象，

not as we did as children, 語法

不是像我们小时候那样，

but in the more mature and constructive manner of a rational adult.

而是以一个理性成年人更成熟、更有建设性的方式去回应。

There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves 語法

我们有一个绝佳的机会去改变自己，

from a childlike to a more adult pattern of response

从幼稚的反应模式转变为更成熟的反应模式，

in relation to the difficulties we're attracted to.

去应对那些吸引我们的难题。

Consider this table.

看这张表。

Column A,

A列，

partner's tricky behavior.

伴侣的棘手行为。

Column B,

B列，

the childlike response on our part. 短語搭配

我们身上孩子气的反应。

And column C,

而C列，

the more adult response we should aim for.

我们应该努力做出的更成熟的反应。

So,

所以，

raising our voice could lead to a sense that it's all my fault. 語法

提高嗓门可能会让人觉得这都是我的错。

But the more mature response would be,

但更成熟的反应应该是，

this is their issue.

这是他们的问题。

I don't have to feel bad.

我不必感到难过。

Or if the partner is rather patronizing, 用詞

或者如果伴侣表现得相当居高临下，

the childlike response might be,

孩子气的反应可能是，

I'm so stupid.

我太蠢了。

But the more adult response would be,

但更成熟的反应会是，

there are lots of kinds of intelligence and mine is fine.

聪明有很多种，我的智力没问题。

And so on.

诸如此类。

Take a moment to look at the chart.

花点时间看看这张图表。

We're almost certainly with somebody with a particularly knotty set of issues 習語

我们几乎可以肯定，我们的伴侣有着一系列特别棘手的问题，

which trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves. 用詞

这些问题触发了我们的欲望和我们孩子气的防御机制。

The answer isn't to end the relationship, 語法

答案不是结束这段关系，

but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges

而是努力应对他们带来的不可抗拒的挑战，

with some of the wisdom of which we weren't capable 語法

用我们当年第一次从父母或看护人那里遇到这些问题时

when we first encountered these in a parent or caregiver.

还不具备的智慧去处理。

It probably isn't in our remit to locate a wholly grown-up lover, 用詞

找到一个完全成熟的爱人可能不在我们的能力范围内，

but it's always in our remit to behave in more grown-up ways

但以更成熟的方式去应对

around our lover's less mature sides.

爱人不够成熟的一面，永远是我们可以做到的。

We hope you enjoyed this film.

希望你喜欢这部影片。

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想了解更多 The School of Life 的内容，

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并去我们的网站看看我们的各类产品。