过度友善者的困扰：英语精读讲义

There's a particularly poignant way one can be a social disaster 講解

有一种特别令人心酸的社交灾难，

through over-friendliness,

那就是过度热情，

a pattern of behavior driven by the very best of motives, 短語搭配

这种行为模式虽然出于极好的动机，

which ends up feeling as irritating as outright rudeness. 講解

最终却让人觉得像公然的粗鲁一样恼人。

We meet the over-friendly at the office,

我们在办公室里能遇到过度热情的人，

laughing at the jokes of the senior management,

他们对高管的笑话捧腹大笑；

behind the desk at the hotel,

在酒店前台也能遇到，

wishing sir or madam a highly enjoyable stay,

他们祝愿先生或女士度过一个非常愉快的假期；

and across the table on a first date,

甚至在初次约会的餐桌对面，

lavishly endorsing their would-be partner's every opinion about recent books and films. 用詞

他们也会对潜在伴侣关于最近书影的每一个观点进行毫无保留的附和。

The over-friendly are guilty of three large errors.

过度热情的人常犯三个大错。

Firstly,

第一，

they believe they must agree on everything.

他们认为必须在所有事情上表示赞同。

If the other says the world is going to the dogs, 習語

如果对方说世界正在走向没落，

they immediately nod in consent. 短語搭配

他们会立刻点头同意。

If a second later,

如果一秒钟后，

there's a prediction of a utopian technological future,

对方又预测科技乌托邦的未来，

they'll agree just as much.

他们同样会深表赞同。

When we say something clever,

当我们说出聪明的话语时，

they're thrilled.

他们欣喜若狂。

When we say something equally daft,

当我们说出同样愚蠢的话时，

they like it no less. 語法

他们也一样喜欢。

Their ritual approval may seem attentive. 用詞

这种例行公事般的赞同看似专注。

In truth, 表達脈絡

但实际上，

it's a version of not listening at all.

它根本就是一种充耳不闻的表现。

Secondly,

第二，

their praise is ill-targeted. 用詞

他们的赞美毫无针对性。

Plenty of nice things are being said,

尽管说了一堆好听的话，

but they're not the ones that we happen to value. 語法

却恰恰不是我们所看重的点。

They claim to love our umbrella,

他们声称喜欢我们的雨伞，

our credit card is from their favorite bank,

我们的信用卡是他们最爱的银行发行的，

our chairs are deeply beautiful.

我们的椅子美极了。

We apparently have a nice way of holding our fork,

甚至觉得我们拿叉子的姿势都很优雅，

but none of this counts for us if it isn't connected up with our own sense of meaning and achievement. 講解

但如果这些与我们自身的意义感和成就感无关，对我们就毫无价值。

Everyone loves being praised,

每个人都喜欢被赞美，

but to be praised inaccurately is its own kind of insult. 語法

但不准确的赞美本身就是一种冒犯。

Thirdly,

第三，

their friendliness is remorselessly upbeat. 用詞

他们的热情总是无情地保持着盲目乐观。

They point out how well we look, 表達脈絡

他们指出我们看起来气色多好，

how impressive our job sounds,

我们的工作听起来多棒，

how perfect our family life seems.

我们的家庭生活看起来多完美。

They want to make us feel good,

他们想让我们感觉良好，

but they dangerously raise the cost of revealing any of the lonelier, darker, more melancholic aspects of our characters. 習語

却危险地提高了我们展现性格中那些孤独、阴暗、更加忧郁特质的成本。

By contrast, 表達脈絡

相比之下，

the less ardently friendly,

那些不那么过度热情、

and therefore properly pleasing person will keep three things closely in mind.

从而让人真正感到舒适的人会牢记三件事。

Firstly,

第一，

that disagreement isn't necessarily or always terrible, 語法

意见分歧不一定总是糟糕的；

that it may be exhilarating to be contradicted when we don't feel that our dignity is at stake, 習語

当我们不觉得自己的尊严受到威胁时，被反驳可能会令人兴奋；

and that we're learning something valuable at the hands of a combative interlocutor. 習語

而且我们还能从好斗的交谈对象那里学到有价值的东西。

Secondly,

第二，

that people only want to be complimented on things that they are actively proud of.

人们只希望在自己真正引以为傲的事情上受到赞美。

The value of the currency of praise depends entirely on it not being spent too freely. 習語

赞美如同货币，其价值完全取决于不被随意滥用。

And so,

因此，

the truly pleasing person knows they must pass over many things in discreet silence, 短語動詞

真正惹人喜欢的人知道，对于许多事情他们必须保持谨慎的沉默，

so that when they eventually do bestow a blessing, 用詞

这样，当他们最终给出赞美时，

their words can have a proper resonance.

才能引起适当的共鸣。

Thirdly,

第三，

that we are cheered up not so much by people who say cheery things as by people who appear to understand us, 語法

让我们感到开心的，与其说是那些说俏皮话的人，不如说是那些似乎懂我们的人，

which usually means sympathize with our sorrows and show a willingness to travel with us to the anxious, hesitant, or confused parts of our psyches. 講解

这通常意味着同情我们的悲伤，并愿意陪伴我们探索内心那些焦虑、犹豫或困惑的角落。

What enables the pleasing person to please is their capacity to hold on in social encounters, 短語動詞

真正讨人喜欢的人之所以成功，是因为他们在社交场合中能够保持自我定力，

even with rather intimidating and alien-seeming people,

即便面对颇具压迫感和看似陌生的人，

to an intimate knowledge of what satisfies them.

也能深谙取悦对方的门道。

They instinctively use their own experience as a base for thinking about the needs of others. 短語搭配

他们会本能地以自身的经验作为基准，去思考他人的需求。

By contrast,

相反，

the over-friendly person allows themselves to forget their own likes and dislikes under the pressure of an excessive humility, 短語搭配

过度热情的人在极度谦卑的压力下，允许自己忘记自身的喜恶，

which suggests to them that anyone impressive could not possibly share in the principles that drive their own psychology. 語法

这让他们觉得，任何了不起的人都不可能与自己有着同样的心理动机。

At the core of the pleasing person's charm is a metaphysical insight, 短語搭配

真正讨人喜欢之人的魅力核心在于一种形而上学的洞察：

that other people cannot, deep down,

即在内心深处，其他人绝不可能

ever be very other, 用詞

完全与我们截然不同；

and therefore that in core ways

因此从根本上说，

what one knows about oneself will be the master key to understanding and getting along with strangers. 講解

了解自己才是理解陌生人并与之和睦相处的关键。

Not in every case, 表達脈絡

虽然并非总是如此，

but enough of the time to make the difference.

但在大多数情况下足以产生影响。

Over-friendliness isn't just a feature of one-to-one encounters, 語法

过度热情不仅是一对一交往中的特征，

it's an entrenched flaw within modern consumer society more generally. 短語搭配

更是现代消费社会中普遍存在的根深蒂固的缺陷。

This explains why the airline exuberantly wishes us a perfect day upon landing in a new city,

这就解释了为什么航班在降落新城市时，航司会兴高采烈地祝我们拥有完美的一天；

or why the waiter hopes we'll have a truly wonderful time around the first course,

为什么服务员会在上第一道菜时希望我们度过美好的时光；

and why the attendant in a clothes shop pulls such a large smile along with their suggestion that we try on a new pair of trousers. 短語動詞

以及为什么服装店的售货员在建议我们试穿新裤子时会露出无比灿烂的笑容。

Here too, 表達脈絡

同样在这里，

the cause of an asphyxiating friendliness is a sudden modesty and loss of confidence around using oneself as a guide to the temperament and needs of a stranger. 講解

这种令人窒息的热情的根源，在于面对陌生人时突然产生的谦卑，以及不敢以自身感受去揣测陌生人需求而丧失的自信。

Companies become over-impressed by the apparent otherness of their clients and thereby overlook how many aspects of their own selves are being trampled upon in a service context. 講解

企业过度被客户表面上的“与众不同”所震撼，从而忽视了在服务情境中自身有多少感受正在被践踏。

They sidestep the knowledge that just after landing back home after a trip abroad, 習語

他们回避了这样一个事实：在出国旅行后刚落地回家时，

we may feel horrified at the thought of our responsibilities in the family, 短語搭配

我们一想到家庭责任可能会感到恐惧；

or that moods of introversion and sadness can accompany us even inside a clothes boutique. 習語

或者即使在服装店里，我们也可能会陷入内向和悲伤的情绪之中。

They behave as if they were cheerful Martians encountering broken, 語法

他们表现得就像遇到了破碎、

complex humans for the very first time.

复杂人类的快乐火星人，仿佛是第一次打交道。

The fault of the excessively over-friendly person can, in the end,

归根结底，过度热情之人的过错，

be traced back to a touching modesty. 短語動詞

可以追溯到一种令人感动的谦卑。

They are guilty of nothing more than a loss of confidence in the validity of their own experiences as a guide to the pleasure of others. 短語搭配

他们的错仅仅在于失去了自信，不再相信自己可以用自身的经历去指引别人获得快乐。

The failure of the over-friendly types teaches us that in order to succeed at pleasing anyone,

过度热情者的失败告诉我们：若想成功讨好任何人，

we must first accept the risk that we might well displease them through a candid expression of our being. 語法

我们首先必须接受一个风险，即坦诚地表达自我很可能会惹他们不高兴。

Successful charm relies on an initial secure sense that we could survive social failure. 習語

成功的魅力依赖于一种最初的安定感——相信我们能够承受社交失败。

Rehearsing how it would, in the end, be okay to make a hash of seducing someone 習語

反复演练“即便搞砸了吸引某人的尝试也没关系”，

is perhaps the best way to seduce them properly and confidently.

也许恰恰是得体且自信地吸引他们的最好方法。

We must reconcile ourselves to the risk of not making friends to stand any chance of actually making any. 短語搭配

我们必须先接受交不到朋友的风险，才有可能真正交到任何朋友。