童年阴影如何影响你的恋爱？：英语精读讲义

In the course of any adult life, 短語搭配

在任何成年人的一生中，

there will be periods when we'll end up involved in that slightly odd, 短語動詞

总会有一段时期，我们最终会卷入那种有点奇怪、

slightly unrepresentative,

有点非典型、

and invariably slightly challenging activity,

并且总是略带挑战性的活动：

looking.

寻找伴侣。

Most people around us won't be any the wiser, 習語

我们周围的大多数人可能并不知情，

but with greater or lesser subtlety, 短語搭配

但我们会或明或暗地

we will be scanning,

四处搜寻，

suggesting coffees and lunches,

提议喝咖啡和吃午餐，

accepting every invitation,

接受每一个邀请，

giving out our email addresses 短語動詞

给出我们的电子邮箱地址，

and thinking with unusual care about where to sit on train journeys.

并在乘火车时异常仔细地考虑该坐在哪里。

Sometimes the rigmarole will be joyful, 用詞

有时候，这种繁琐的过程会令人愉悦，

at times a bore.

有时却令人厌烦。

But for a portion of us,

但对于我们中的一部分人来说，

as many as one in four,

多达四分之一的人，

it will count as one of the hardest things we ever have to do. 短語搭配

这将算是我们必须面对的最困难的事情之一。

Fun won't remotely come into it. 習語

乐趣跟它根本沾不上边。

This will be closer to trauma.

这将更接近于创伤。

And it will be so for a reason that can feel more humiliating still,

并且，之所以如此，其原因可能让人感到更加屈辱，

because a long time ago now,

因为在很久以前，

we had a very bad childhood,

我们有一个非常糟糕的童年，

one whose impact and legacy we still haven't yet wholly mastered. 短語搭配

一个其影响和遗留问题我们至今仍未完全克服的童年。

It may not look like it, 表達脈絡

虽然可能看起来不像，

but babies are also looking out for love. 短語動詞

但婴儿也在寻找爱。

They're not going out in party smocks

他们不会穿着派对礼服出门，

or slipping strangers their phone numbers.

也不会偷偷塞给陌生人电话号码。

They are lying more or less immobile in cribs

他们或多或少一动不动地躺在婴儿床里，

and are capable of little besides the occasional devastatingly cute smile. 語法

除了偶尔极其可爱的微笑外，什么也做不了。

But they too are looking out for someone's arms to feel safe in,

但他们也在寻找一个能让他们感到安全的怀抱，

for someone who can soothe them,

寻找一个能安抚他们的人，

someone who can stroke their head,

寻找一个能抚摸他们头的人，

tell them it will all be okay when things feel desperate,

在事情感觉绝望时告诉他们一切都会好起来，

and at points lend them a breast to suck on.

并在某些时候给他们一个可以吸吮的乳房。

They are looking,

就像心理学家所说的，

as the psychologists call it, 表達脈絡

他们在寻找

to get attached. 文化背景

建立依恋。

But unfortunately,

但不幸的是，

for one in four of us,

对于我们四分之一的人来说，

the process goes spectacularly wrong.

这个过程大错特错。

There is no one on hand to care properly. 習語

没有人在旁好好照料。

The crying goes on unheeded, 短語動詞

哭声无人理睬，

the hunger unassuaged.

饥饿无法缓解。

No one smiles reliably or cuddles confidently.

没有人可靠地微笑或充满信心地拥抱。

There is no welcoming breast.

没有温馨的乳房。

In the eyes of the caregiver,

在照料者的眼中，

there is depression or anger where there should have been delight and reassurance. 語法

本该是喜悦和安慰的地方，却充满了抑郁或愤怒。

And as a result,

结果，

a fear of existence takes hold for the long term, 習語

对生存的恐惧长期存在，

and dating becomes a very hard business indeed.

约会确实成了一件非常困难的事情。

For those of us who experienced early letdowns,

对于我们这些早年经历过失望的人来说，

there is simply little in us that can ever believe that a search for love will go well,

我们内心几乎不敢相信寻找爱的过程会顺利，

and we will therefore bring an unholy commitment to bear on ensuring that it doesn't. 短語搭配

因此，我们会带着一种可怕的执念去确保它不会顺利。

The dating game becomes the royal occasion when we can confirm our deepest suspicion, 習語

约会游戏成了一场盛大的仪式，让我们能够证实内心最深的怀疑：

that we are unworthy of love.

我们不配得到爱。

We may, for example,

比如，我们可能会

fixate on a candidate who is, 短語搭配

痴迷于一个候选人，

to more attuned eyes, 習語

在更敏锐的人看来，

obviously not interested.

此人显然不感兴趣。

Their coldness and indifference,

他们的冷漠和无视，

their married-status or incompatible background or age,

他们的已婚身份或不匹配的背景与年龄，

far from putting us off, 語法

非但没有让我们退缩，

will be precisely what feels familiar,

反而正是那种让我们感到熟悉、

necessary,

必不可少、

and sexually a bit thrilling.

在性方面甚至有些刺激的东西。

This is exactly what is meant to happen when we love. 用詞

这正是当我们去爱时应该发生的事情。

It should hurt atrociously

它应该痛苦不堪，

and go nowhere.

且毫无结果。

Or,

或者，

in the presence of a potentially kind-hearted and available candidate,

在面对一个可能心地善良且单身的候选人时，

we may become so demanding and uncontained, 語法

我们可能会变得如此苛求和无法自控，

so unreasonable and urgent in our requests,

在要求上如此不讲理和急迫，

that no sane soul would remain in contention. 習語

以至于任何理智的人都不会继续待在我们身边。

We will spoil any potentially good impression 短語搭配

我们会破坏任何潜在的好印象，

by bringing a lifetime of self-doubt and loneliness 習語

把一生的自我怀疑和孤独

onto the shoulders of an innocent stranger.

推到一个无辜陌生人的肩膀上。

Alternatively,

或者，

unable to tolerate the appalling anxiety of not yet quite knowing where we stand, 習語

因为无法忍受那种不确定自己立场的巨大焦虑，

we may decide to settle the matter by ourselves, 短語搭配

我们可能会决定自己解决问题，

preferring to crash the plane 習語

宁愿让飞机坠毁，

rather than see how it might land.

也不愿看看它会如何降落。

We'll interpret every ambiguous moment negatively,

我们会把每一个模棱两可的时刻都做负面解读，

because sadness is so much easier to take than hope. 用詞

因为悲伤比希望容易承受得多。

The slightly late reply must mean that they've found somebody else.

稍晚的回复一定意味着他们找到了别人。

Their busyness must be a disguise for sudden hatred. 習語

他们的忙碌一定是突然心生厌恶的掩饰。

The missing kiss at the end of their message

他们信息末尾缺少的亲吻，

is conclusive evidence that they've seen through our sham facade. 習語

是确凿的证据，证明他们已经看穿了我们虚假的伪装。

To master the terror of another letdown,

为了控制再次失望的恐惧，

we go cold. 習語

我们变得冷漠。

We respond sarcastically to sincere compliments,

我们用讽刺来回应真诚的赞美，

and we insist with aggression that they don't really care for us at all,

并充满攻击性地坚称他们根本不在乎我们，

thereby ensuring that they eventually won't. 表達脈絡

从而确保他们最终真的不再在乎。

To escape these debilitating cycles,

要逃离这些令人衰弱的循环，

we need to accept that we're searching for someone to love us

我们需要接受自己正在寻找一个爱我们的人，

while wrestling with the most fateful of background suspicions, 習語

同时又在与一种最致命的深层怀疑作斗争，

that we don't actually deserve love.

即我们其实根本不配得到爱。

It's only by properly mastering what once happened to us, 語法

只有正确地克服曾经发生在我们身上的事，

the letdown we first experienced as infants,

也就是我们作为婴儿时经历的最初的失望，

that we can start to separate out past trauma from present reality, 短語動詞

我们才能开始将过去的创伤与现在的现实区分开来，

and therefore learn to navigate the ambiguities and occasional risks of adult dating. 習語

从而学会在成年人约会的模糊性和偶然风险中摸索前行。

It isn't that we've been told that we don't deserve to exist. 表達脈絡

并不是说有人告诉我们不配存在。

They're just busy tonight.

他们今晚只是很忙。

They don't loathe us.

他们并不讨厌我们。

They're married to somebody else,

他们和别人结婚了，

as lots of people who we've carefully chosen not to look at,

就像那些我们特意避开不看的人中，

happen not to be.

碰巧单身的那些人一样。

They're not peculiar.

他们并不奇怪。

It's just unfair and overwhelming

只是，要求一个你才认识12小时的人

to ask someone you've known for 12 hours

去弥补你一生的孤独，

to make up for a lifetime of loneliness. 短語動詞

这对他们来说既不公平，又令人难以承受。

We need to see that this is not the first time we have been,

我们需要明白，这不是我们第一次，

in inverted commas, dating. 用詞

在引号里，约会。

We've done it before,

我们以前就经历过，

long ago,

在很久以前，

and it was the ways in which it went very wrong 語法

正是那个过程出了严重问题的方式，

that holds the key to our adult errors, 習語

成了我们成年后犯错的根源，

our intensity,

我们的紧张，

our coldness,

我们的冷酷，

or our lack of judgment.

或者是我们的缺乏判断力。

The catastrophe we fear will happen, 表達脈絡

我们害怕发生的灾难，

has already happened.

已经发生过了。

The challenges we set up for ourselves are attempts to get back in touch with a trauma 講解

我们为自己设置的挑战，是为了重新接触那个创伤，

we haven't either understood or mourned.

那个我们既不理解也没有哀悼过的创伤。

We can in time learn to ask people on a date 短語搭配

随着时间的推移，我们可以学会邀请别人约会，

because we grasp that we're not thereby asking them what we think we're asking. 表達脈絡

因为我们明白，这并不意味着我们在问自己以为在问的问题。

Do I deserve to exist?

我配存在吗？

No.

不，我们问的并不是这个。

We're asking something far more innocent 語法

我们问的是更纯粹的东西，

and far more survivable with the answer to be negative.

也是即使答案是否定，我们也更能承受的东西。

We're asking,

我们问的是，

might you be free on Friday? 語氣意圖

你周五有空吗？

And we can survive

而且我们能够挺过去，

because even though we once got terribly hurt in the nursery, 語法

因为即使我们曾经在育儿室里受过重伤，

we are now that most resilient of things, 表達脈絡

我们现在也成了最坚韧的存在，

an adult.

一个成年人。

So we have many other options.

所以我们还有很多其他的选择。

We won't,

我们不会，

as we once feared,

像曾经担心的那样，

die of loneliness if it doesn't work.

如果不成功就死于孤独。

We can take our time. 習語

我们可以慢慢来。

We can allow things to emerge.

我们可以让事情自然发生。

We can tolerate ambiguity.

我们可以容忍模棱两可。

And with such security in mind, 短語搭配

有了这种安全感，

we can begin to do that most momentous of things,

我们就可以开始做那件最重要的事情，

without risking our sanity,

而不会拿我们的理智去冒险，

see if someone we like might,

看看那个我们喜欢的人，

after all, 表達脈絡

到底，

want to go out tonight. 短語動詞

今晚想不想一起出去约会。

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我们的在线商店提供一系列书籍和礼品，

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探讨生活中最重要却经常被忽视的领域，

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比如如何找到一个足够好的伴侣。

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