哪些长期关系能长久，哪些不能？：英语精读讲义

It can seem very confusing why certain long-term relationships survive and some don't.

为什么有些长期关系能够长久，而有些却不能，这似乎让人十分困惑。

It can from afar look as if it's the most cruel and alarming sort of lottery. 語法

从远处看，这就像是一场最残酷、最令人不安的彩票游戏。

Trying to explain love to a child or a visitor from another planet

试图向一个孩子或外星访客解释爱情，

promises to be a perplexing matter indeed.

注定是一件令人费解的事情。

All couples on their wedding day are united in wanting to make things work. 短語搭配

所有新人在结婚当天都团结一致，希望能白头偕老。

Then for reasons beyond anyone's comprehension, 短語搭配

然后，由于一些令人无法理解的原因，

some of them simply seem to dissolve and others don't. 用詞

他们中的一些人似乎就这样分道扬镳了，而另一些则没有。

To remove some of the terrifying element of apparent chance

为了消除这种看似偶然的、令人恐惧的因素，

and encourage us to work on the right aspects of our own couples, 短語動詞

并鼓励我们去努力改善我们自己关系中正确的一面，

it may be helpful to become deliberately reductive 用詞

对导致分手的真正原因进行刻意的简化，

about the real reasons why breakups occur.

可能会很有帮助。

We need, in this regard, 表達脈絡

在这方面，我们需要

first to discount certain causes 用詞

首先排除某些

that gain far too much airtime 習語

与其实际发生概率相比，

relative to their actual likelihoods.

获得过多关注的原因。

Of course, sometimes people break up 短語動詞

当然，有时候人们分手

because one party wants a younger partner

是因为一方想要一个更年轻的伴侣，

or because they want better sex

或者因为他们想要更好的性生活，

or because they are seeking a more exciting companion

或者因为他们在寻找一个更刺激的伴侣，

or because their hobbies or political views have drifted apart 短語動詞

或者因为他们的爱好或政治观点渐行渐远，

or because things have, somehow, grown stale. 習語

或者因为事情不知为何变得索然无味。

But let's quickly try to reduce the role we give to such explanatory factors.

但是，让我们尽快试着淡化我们赋予这些解释因素的作用。

Given the costs of breakups, 表達脈絡

考虑到分手的代价，

given the massive investments that people make in being together,

考虑到人们在相处中投入的巨大心血，

given the chaos generated if there are children,

考虑到如果有孩子会产生的混乱，

one can assert with a high degree of confidence 短語搭配

我们可以非常有信心地断言，

that almost no one ever splits up for such familiar reasons.

几乎没有人会因为这些熟悉的原因而分手。

The real reason lies elsewhere.

真正的原因在别处。

The real reason for breakup lies in one or both spouses' sense 講解

分手的真正原因在于夫妻一方或双方觉得

that they have not been heard,

自己的话没有被倾听，

that something very important to them has been disregarded,

对他们非常重要的事情被忽视了，

that their point of view has not,

他们的观点没有

at a fundamental level,

在根本层面上，

been acknowledged and honored.

得到认可和尊重。

It doesn't matter what the subject of this non-hearing happens to be. 語法

这种没有被倾听的主题碰巧是什么并不重要。

It could be that they haven't been heard about their views on money

可能是在金钱问题上他们的观点没有被倾听，

or on the way the children are being brought up 短語動詞

或者在孩子抚养方式上，

or on how their weekends should be managed

或者在周末该如何安排上，

or on how intimacy occurs or doesn't occur.

又或者在亲密行为如何发生或不发生上。

It's feeling unheard for our differences that is unbearable. 語法

令人无法忍受的是，我们的分歧没有被倾听。

It's never the presence of differences per se. 用詞

分歧本身从来不是问题。

We don't break up because a partner doesn't agree with us.

我们不会因为伴侣不同意我们的观点而分手。

We could stand not getting what we want. 用詞

我们可以忍受得不到我们想要的东西。

We could stand a partner who votes another way than we do

我们可以忍受一个投票意向和我们不同的伴侣，

or who is no longer as young as they once were 語法

或者不再像以前那么年轻的伴侣，

or who has annoying friends

或者有烦人朋友的伴侣，

or different tastes in holidays.

或者在度假口味上不同的伴侣。

What we can't stand is someone who blocks us 語法

我们无法忍受的是，当我们试图表达这些分歧领域有多么令人苦恼时，

when we try to articulate how troublesome we find these areas of divergence, 語法

有人阻挠我们，

when our unique way of looking at existence

当我们看待生存的独特方式

seems a matter of basic indifference 短語搭配

似乎面临的是一种基本的冷漠，

that is too lonely and enraging to bear. 語法

这太孤独、太令人愤怒，让人无法忍受。

It's better to be single than unseen. 語法

宁愿单身也不愿被视而不见。

After all, the unseen are alone anyway, 表達脈絡

毕竟，那些被视而不见的人，

whatever their ostensible relationship status. 用詞

无论他们表面上的关系状态如何，终究是孤独的。

There is a big difference between a partner not doing what we want 表達脈絡

伴侣不做我们想要的事，

and a partner not hearing what we want.

和伴侣不倾听我们想要什么，这两者之间有很大的区别。

It's entirely possible that one would remain with someone who doesn't share most of our interests

我们完全有可能和一个不认同我们大部分兴趣的人在一起，

so long as they happen to accept and signal an understanding of how much these interests matter to us. 講解

只要他们碰巧能接受并表示理解这些兴趣对我们有多重要。

It would be possible for us to live with someone who doesn't want the same sort of sex as we do 語法

我们可以和一个在性方面跟我们需求不同的人一起生活，

or wants no sex at all

甚至完全不需要性生活，

so long as they can, at points,

只要他们能在某些时候，

see matters from our position and can give a modicum of empathy to our hopes and longings. 講解

从我们的立场看问题，并对我们的希望和渴望给予一丝共情。

We could be with someone whose needs for affection run in a different direction 習語

我们也可以和一个对感情需求方向与我们不同的人在一起，

so long as they have the courage to listen to how ours operate.

只要他们有勇气倾听我们的需求是如何运作的。

We don't need partners to agree with us on everything. 表達脈絡

我们不需要伴侣在每件事上都同意我们的看法。

We need them to give off signs that they can accept the scale and legitimacy of our vision. 短語動詞

我们需要他们释放出信号，表明他们能接受我们愿景的程度和合理性。

"I understand" is the phrase that could single-handedly rescue more long-term relationships 講解

“我理解”这句话，或许比无数次结婚纪念日庆祝或心理治疗，

than any number of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions. 用詞

能够单枪匹马地拯救更多的长期关系。

It deserves to be known as the most romantic phrase in existence.

它理应被誉为世界上最浪漫的话语。

There is a lot of hope in this thesis.

这一论点中蕴含着很大的希望。

If we want to stay together,

如果我们想在一起，

we don't need to be exceptionally beautiful or rich.

我们不需要非常漂亮或富有。

We don't need to rely on chance.

我们不需要依赖运气。

We don't need to have brilliant sex or friction-free alignments of interests. 用詞

我们不需要绝妙的性生活或毫无摩擦的利益一致。

We just need to make sure that we are people who listen,

我们只需要确保自己是一个善于倾听的人，

who, when the partner has something very important they need to get across to us, 短語動詞

当伴侣有非常重要的事情需要向我们传达时，

can bear to take things on board, 習語

能够忍受着去接受，

can bear to acknowledge an opposite position, 短語搭配

能够忍受着去承认一个对立的立场，

can bear to say,

能够忍受着去说：

"I can see this matters a lot to you 語氣意圖

“我看得出这对你非常重要，

and I will try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it." 講解

我会尽我所能去思考，看看我能做些什么。”

From here, it really doesn't matter if things radically change or not. 語法

到了这一步，事情是否发生根本性的改变真的不重要了。

The vital work will have been done 語法

至关重要的工作已经完成，

and the relationship will have been assured.

关系也得到了保障。

People described as defensive may have a thousand charms, 習語

被认为有防御心理的人可能有千般魅力，

but we should know that the most flawed open person is preferable to the most seemingly accomplished defensive one. 語法

但我们应该知道，一个缺点最多但心态开放的人，要比最看似完美却防备心重的人好得多。

The person we should settle down with 短語動詞

我们应该与之安定下来的人，

isn't the most attractive or the cleverest.

并不是最吸引人或最聪明的那个。

It's the one who feels no pride or compunction in readily saying,

而是那个能不带骄傲和顾虑、欣然地说出：

"I can hear what you are saying 語氣意圖

“我听懂了你的意思，

and how much this matters a lot to you.

也知道这对你有多重要。

I get it." 語氣意圖

我明白了。”的人。

Or, "Because I love you, 語氣意圖

或者说：“因为我爱你，

this makes me curious.

这让我很好奇。

Tell me more." 語氣意圖

告诉我更多吧。”

This person will surely,

这个人肯定，

one day, annoy or frustrate us mightily.

总有一天，会让我们非常恼火或沮丧。

Everyone does.

每个人都会这样。

We'll just be highly unlikely ever to want to break up with them. 語法

但我们绝不可能想和他们分手。

Connect is a card game to foster connection and closeness

Connect 是一款促进连结和亲密的纸牌游戏，

with 100 questions that help couples to rekindle affection. 習語

包含 100 个帮助情侣重燃爱意的问题。

Click the link on screen now to find out more.

请点击屏幕上的链接了解更多。