一段良好关系的三个核心要素：英语精读讲义

Many people,

许多人，

after they've been in a couple for some time,

在交往了一段时间后，

will privately admit that they are,

私下里会承认自己，

in many ways,

在很多方面，

frustrated and disappointed

感到沮丧和失望，

by the person they've chosen to share their lives with.

对他们选择共度一生的人。

If pressed for details, 語法

如果被追问细节，

they will have no difficulty coming up with a list. 講解

他们可以毫不费力地列出一长串。

Their partner,

他们的伴侣，

they might complain,

他们可能会抱怨，

is too loyal to their irritating family

对惹人厌的家人太过忠诚，

or doesn't share their views on the layout of the living room

或者在客厅布置上与他们意见不合，

or never wants to go on camping holidays

或者从不想去露营度假，

or plays tennis every Wednesday evening

或者每周三晚上都要打网球，

no matter what 語法

雷打不动，

or doesn't like Moroccan food

或者不喜欢摩洛哥菜，

or doesn't share their enthusiasm for 19th century Russian novels

或者无法分享他们对19世纪俄罗斯小说的热情，

or has a habit of adding actually to every second sentence 語法

或者有在每两句话里加上“实际上”的习惯，

when it's actually redundant.

明明这个词实际上很多余。

As the list gets longer,

随着名单越来越长，

they sigh.

他们会叹气。

They still love their partner

他们依然爱着自己的伴侣，

and they long to be happy together.

也渴望能共同获得幸福。

It's just that it seems impossibly complicated

只是这似乎复杂得令人绝望，

to make this relationship work. 語法

难以让这段关系顺利运转。

What's driving the frustration is not that 表達脈絡

导致这种沮丧的真正原因，并不是

they've sadly fallen for an idiot as a mate. 短語動詞

他们不幸爱上了一个傻瓜。

It's rather that we have all inherited

而是因为我们都继承了

needlessly complicated ideas

一些不必要的复杂观念，

of what a relationship is supposed to be for. 語法

误解了关系到底是为了什么。

We are told that love is meant to involve 語法

我们被告知，爱情意味着

the almost total merger of two lives. 習語

两个人生活的几乎完全融合。

We expect that a loving couple must live in the same house,

我们期望相爱的伴侣必须住在同一屋檐下，

eat the same meals together every night,

每晚一起吃同样的饭菜，

share the same bed,

睡在同一张床上，

go to sleep and get up at the same time,

在同一时间入睡和起床，

only ever have sex with or even sexual thoughts about each other,

只能与对方发生性关系，甚至只能对彼此有性幻想，

regularly see each other's families,

定期看望对方的家人，

have all their friends in common 短語搭配

拥有所有共同的朋友，

and pretty much think the same thoughts

并且在每一个时刻、

on every topic at every moment.

对每一个话题几乎想法都如出一辙。

It's a beautiful vision,

这是一个美好的愿景，

but a hellish one, too,

但也是极其可怕的，

because it places an impossibly punitive burden 短語搭配

因为它把一种几乎难以承受的期望重担，

of expectation on another human.

强加在了另一个人身上。

We feel the partner must be right for us in every way

我们觉得伴侣必须在各个方面都绝对适合我们，

and if they're not,

如果不是，

has to be prodded and cajoled into reform. 用詞

就必须连哄带骗地促使他们改变。

But there is another perspective.

但我们还有另一种视角。

Relationships don't have to be so complicated and ambitious

关系不必如此复杂且野心勃勃，

if we keep in view 短語搭配

如果我们能认清

what in the end actually makes them fulfilling.

到底是什么最终让关系变得圆满。

If we boil matters down, 短語動詞

如果我们将事情归结起来，

there might really just be three essential things

我们想从爱人那里得到的，

that we want from a lover.

可能真的只有三件基本的事。

Firstly,

第一，

kindness.

善良。

A partner who is gentle with our imperfections

一个能温柔对待我们不完美之处，

and can good-humoredly tolerate us as we are. 短語搭配

并能幽默地包容我们原本模样的伴侣。

Secondly,

第二，

shared vulnerability. 用詞

分享脆弱。

Someone with whom we can be open about 短語搭配

一个我们能对其敞开心扉，

that our anxieties, worries,

诉说我们的焦虑、担忧，

and the problems that throw us off balance. 習語

以及那些让我们失去平衡的问题的人。

Someone we don't have to put on a good front for. 習語

一个在我们面前不需要伪装坚强的人。

Someone around whom we can be weak,

一个在他身边我们可以展现软弱、

vulnerable, and honest,

脆弱和诚实的人，

and who will be the same around us.

而他在我们身边也会同样如此。

Thirdly,

第三，

understanding.

理解。

Someone who is interested in and can make sense of 短語動詞

一个对我们内心的某些隐秘特征、

certain obscure features of our minds,

我们的痴迷、全神贯注

our obsessions, preoccupations,

以及看待世界的方式

and ways of seeing the world,

感兴趣并能理解的人，

and whom we are excited to understand in turn.

同时我们也很兴奋地去了解对方。

If we have these three critical ingredients to hand,

如果具备这三个关键要素，

we will feel loved and essentially satisfied,

我们就会感到被爱，内心充实，

whatever differences then crop up 講解

无论后来

in a hundred other areas.

在一百个其他领域里出现什么分歧。

Perhaps our partner's friends or routines

也许伴侣的朋友或生活习惯

won't be a delight,

并不讨人喜欢，

but we will be content.

但我们会感到知足。

Just as if we lack these emotional goods 習語

反过来说，如果我们缺乏这些情感支持，

and yet agree on every detail

就算在每一个细节上都不谋而合，

of European literature,

如欧洲文学、

interior design,

室内设计

and social existence,

以及社交生活，

we are still likely to feel lonely and bereft. 用詞

我们依然可能感到孤独和失落。

By limiting what we expect a relationship to be about, 語法

通过克制对关系目的的期望，

we can overcome the tyranny and bad temper 習語

我们可以克服困扰众多情侣的

that bedevils so many lovers.

那种专制与坏脾气。

A good, simpler, yet very fulfilling relationship

一段美好、简单却非常充实的关系，

could end up in a minimal state.

最终可能只呈现出一种极简的状态。

We might not socialize much together.

我们也许不会一起去参加很多社交活动。

We might hardly ever encounter each other's families.

我们可能几乎不见对方的家人。

Our finances might overlap only at a few points. 習語

我们的财务可能只有极少部分的交集。

We could be living in different places

我们可能住在不同的地方，

and only meet up twice a week.

每周只见面两次。

Conceivably,

可以想见，

we might not even ask too many questions

我们甚至不会过多地打听

about each other's sex life.

彼此的性生活。

But when we would be together,

但当我们在约会时，

it would be profoundly gratifying

那将是极度令人满足的，

because we would be in the presence

因为陪伴在我们身旁的，

of someone who knew how to be kind, 語法

是一个懂得如何去表达善意、

vulnerable, and understanding.

展现脆弱，并理解他人的人。

A bond between two people

两个人之间的羁绊

can be very deep and important

可以非常深厚且重要，

precisely because it's not played out 短語動詞

恰恰是因为它没有被消磨在

across all practical details of existence.

生活的所有琐碎细节里。

By simplifying and clarifying 表達脈絡

通过简化和理清

what a relationship is for,

关系存在的意义，

we release ourselves from overly complicated conflicts

我们将自己从过度复杂的冲突中解脱出来，

and can focus on our urgent underlying needs

从而可以专注于我们迫切的潜在需求：

to be sympathized with, 語法

被同情，

seen, and understood.

被看见，被理解。

Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship 語法

决定去留一段关系，

is one of the trickiest and most consequential decisions 語法

是最棘手、后果最重大的决定之一，

we can face.

这也是我们可能面临的。

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