如何在恋爱关系中避免防御心理：英语精读讲义

We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view 短語搭配

在感情生活中，我们常常带有一种错误的观念，

unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions 習語

这种观念在不知不觉中受法庭和学校辩论传统的影响，

that the person who is right or has the stronger case 短語搭配

认为谁是对的或谁的理由更充分，

should legitimately win any argument.

谁就理所当然地应该赢得任何争论。

But this is fundamentally to misunderstand

但这从根本上误解了

what the point of relationships might be. 語法

感情关系的意义所在。

It is not to defeat an opponent.

它的目的不是打败对手。

There are no prizes for winning 習語

吵赢了也没有任何奖品，

other than self-satisfied loneliness.

除了自我满足的孤独。

The point is more to try to help each other

感情的意义更多在于互相帮助，

to evolve into the best versions of ourselves. 短語搭配

让我们进化成最好的自己。

There's a kind of argument that erupts 短語搭配

有一种争吵的爆发，

when one partner has a largely correct insight

是当一方极其敏锐且正确地

into the problems of their partner.

洞察到另一方的问题时。

With a stern, masterful, and almost gleeful tone, 語氣意圖

带着严肃、掌控甚至幸灾乐祸的语气，

they may declare,

他们可能会宣布：

"You've been drinking too much."

“你酒喝得太多了。”

Or, "You hogged the conversation at the party." 用詞

或者，“你在聚会上一个人霸占了话题。”

Or, "You're always boasting."

或者，“你总是在吹牛。”

Or, "You don't take enough responsibility." 短語搭配

或者，“你不够负责任。”

Or, "You waste far too much time online." 語法

或者，“你在网上浪费了太多时间。”

Or, "You never take enough exercise." 用詞

或者，“你从来不怎么锻炼。”

The insight is maybe not wrong. 語氣意圖

这种洞察或许没有错。

That is what's so tricky.

这就是棘手之处。

The critic is correct,

批评者是对的，

but they are unable to win

但他们赢不了，

because there are no prizes in love

因为在爱情中，准确挑出伴侣的毛病

for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners. 用詞

是得不到任何奖励的。

Indeed, paradoxically,

事实上，矛盾的是，

by attacking a partner with clinical energy, 講解

当我们像医生般冷峻地攻击伴侣时，

we reduce our chances of ever reaching the real goal,

反而降低了实现真正目标的几率，

the evolution of the person we have to live with.

也就是那个要与我们共度一生的人的成长。

When we are on the receiving end 習語

当我们处于被动的一方，

of a difficult insight into our failings,

被一针见血地指出缺点时，

what makes us bristle and deny everything 語法

让我们怒发冲冠并全盘否认的，

isn't generally the accusation itself.

通常不是指控本身。

We know our flaws all too well. 短語搭配

我们对自己的缺点再清楚不过了。

It's the surrounding atmosphere.

问题出在当时的氛围。

We know the other person is right.

我们知道对方是对的。

We just can't bear to take their criticism on board 短語動詞

我们只是无法忍受接受他们的批评，

given how severely it's been delivered.

因为批评的方式太过严厉。

So we start to deny everything,

于是我们开始全盘否认，

not because the accusations are wrong, 語法

不是因为那些指控是错的，

but because we're terrified.

而是因为我们很害怕。

The light of truth is shining too brightly. 習語

真相的光芒太过耀眼。

The fear is that if we admitted our failings, 語法

让人恐惧的是，如果我们承认了自己的失败，

we would be crushed, shown up as worthless, 短語動詞

我们就会崩溃，暴露出自己的毫无价值，

required to attempt an arduous miserable process of change

被要求去经历一个艰难痛苦的改变过程，

without requisite sympathy,

而得不到应有的同情，

and that unless and until we reform ourselves, 短語搭配

而且除非等到我们洗心革面，

we would have no claim on the affections or forgiveness of the other. 短語搭配

否则就无权得到对方的爱意或宽恕。

That's why we insist that we do actually do enough exercise, 語法

这就是为什么我们坚称自己其实有在锻炼，

that we have been working very hard,

坚称我们一直工作得很辛苦，

and that we've never wasted any time on any embarrassing websites.

坚称我们从未在任何令人尴尬的网站上浪费过时间。

We feel so burdened with shame and guilt already. 短語搭配

我们已经背负了太多的羞耻感和内疚感。

A lover's further upbraiding feels impossible to listen to. 用詞

爱人的进一步指责让人根本听不进去。

There's too much pre-existing fragility in our psyches

我们的心理早就充满了太多原有的脆弱，

for us to admit to another difficult insight into what's wrong with us.

以至于无法再接受另一个指出我们毛病的尖锐批评。

The irony of the defensive argument

防御性争论的讽刺之处在于，

is that it is the overly confrontational pursuit of truth 表達脈絡

正是这种过度对抗性地追求真相，

that makes the truth impossible to reach.

使得真相变得遥不可及。

In the Philosophy of lying,

在谎言哲学中，

there is a central historical example of what is termed the just lie, 文化背景

关于所谓的“正义之谎”，有一个核心的历史案例，

outlined by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato.

由古希腊哲学家柏拉图提出。

If a crazed person comes to us and asks,

如果一个疯子跑来问我们：

"Where's the axe?"

“斧头在哪里？”

We're entitled to lie and say, 短語搭配

我们有权说谎并回答：

"We don't know."

“我们不知道。”

because we understand that were we to tell them the truth, 語法

因为我们明白，如果跟他们说实话，

they'd probably use the tool to do something horrendous to us.

他们很可能会拿那个工具对我们做出可怕的事情。

That is,

也就是说，

we can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger.

当生命受到威胁时，我们有理由说谎。

In a couple,

在伴侣之间，

our partner may not literally be searching for an axe 表達脈絡

当对方像审判官一样质问我们时，

when they ask us an inquisitorial question, 用詞

他们也许并没有真的在找斧头，

but psychologically,

但在心理上，

this is precisely how we might experience them,

这恰恰是我们可能感受到的，

which makes it at least a little understandable

这就多少让人有些理解，

if we say we simply don't know what they're talking about.

为什么我们会说自己根本听不懂他们在说什么。

It may feel unfair to ask an accuser to take responsibility for our vulnerability,

要求指责者为我们的脆弱承担责任，也许感觉有些不公平，

but if they want to help their relationship,

但如果他们想要挽救这段关系，

they will need to make it abundantly clear 短語搭配

他们就需要非常明确地表明，

that they won't ever use the truth, 習語

他们绝不会把真相，

if it's acknowledged, as a weapon.

即使被承认了，当作武器。

What's so sad is how easily we,

可悲的是，我们作为被指责的一方，

as the accused, might,

是多么容易，

if only the circumstances were more sympathetic, 語法

如果环境能更充满同情心，

confess to everything.

就会全盘托出。

We would in fact love to unburden ourselves 用詞

其实我们很想卸下包袱，

and admit to all that's broken and wounded in us.

承认自己内心所有的破碎与伤痕。

The answer is to try and create a situation

解决的办法是努力创造一种情境，

where both partners accept that they are flawed,

在这里，双方都承认自己是有缺陷的，

but not on this basis,

但这绝不妨碍，

ever beyond a need for love and kindness,

彼此对爱和善意的需求，

where the mutual need for evolution is taken as a given, 習語

在这里，共同成长的需要被视为理所当然，

and where every well-considered criticism is handled

在这里，每一个深思熟虑的批评都被如此对待：

as both correct

它既是正确的，

and yet needing to be wrapped up in extraordinary layers of reassurance. 習語

却也需要用层层额外的安慰包裹起来。

There should be a recognition that people don't change 表達脈絡

我们应该认识到，人在被告知自己哪里有错时，

when they're told what's wrong with them.

是不会改变的。

They change when they feel sufficiently supported

只有当他们感到获得了足够的支持，

to undertake the change they, almost always,

才会着手去做出改变，而这些改变几乎总是

already know is due. 用詞

他们早知道该做出的。

It isn't enough to be sometimes right in relationships. 語法

在感情中，偶尔正确是不够的。

We need to be generous enough in our love

我们的爱需要足够慷慨，

in order that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong. 講解

好让我们的伴侣能够承认自己的错误。

Love is a skill that we can learn. 表達脈絡

爱是一项我们可以学习的技能。

Our Relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm

我们的《人际关系》一书平静而充满魅力地引导我们，

through the key issues of relationships

解决感情关系中的关键问题，

to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck.

确保爱情的成功不只靠好运气。

For more, click the link now.

了解更多，请点击此链接。