为什么我们会对伴侣变冷淡：英语精读讲义

The story of the path to coldness in love is well known.

爱情中逐渐变得冷淡的故事，大家都很熟悉。

We start off full of affection for one another 短語動詞

我们一开始对彼此充满爱意，

and then with time feelings fade.

然后随着时间的推移，感情渐渐淡去。

We start prioritizing work.

我们开始把工作放在首位。

We check our phones while they're speaking.

当伴侣说话时，我们查收手机。

We don't especially want to hear how their day went.

我们并不是很想听他们这一天是怎么过的。

There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost, 習語

对于这种情感上的冷淡，有一种普遍的表面解释：

that people naturally get bored of one another 短語搭配

即人们会自然而然地对彼此感到厌倦，

in the same way as they get bored with everything else.

就像他们对其他所有事情都会感到厌倦一样。

The gadget that once seemed so amazing,

曾经看起来那么神奇的小玩意，

the film they used to love.

曾经喜欢过的电影。

Going cold is, in this story,

在这种说法中，变得冷淡，

simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

只是由于太过熟悉而不可避免的后果。

But there's another explanation,

但还有另一种解释，

darker at first, but in the end more hopeful. 表達脈絡

一开始显得更阴暗，但最终却更有希望。

The loss of interest isn't either natural or inevitable.

失去兴趣既不是自然而然的，也不是不可避免的。

The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active. 語法

这种厌倦其实更复杂，也更为主动。

It exists because we feel hurt by, 短語搭配

它的存在是因为我们感到受到了伴侣的伤害，

angry with, or scared of our partner.

对他们感到愤怒，或是对他们感到恐惧。

And because we haven't found a cathartic way

并且因为我们没有找到一种宣泄的方式，

to tell ourselves or them about it.

来告诉自己或对方这一切。

Tuning out isn't inevitable. 短語動詞

表现出漠不关心并非不可避免。

It's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress. 用詞

它是被否认的情感痛苦的症状。

It's a way of coping.

这是一种应对机制。

We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored. 用詞

我们在内心变得麻木，而不只是有一点点无聊。

This can sound strange.

这听起来可能有些奇怪。

After all, we might have no active sense 表達脈絡

毕竟，我们可能并没有明确感觉到

that our partner has been hurting, angering, or frightening us.

伴侣一直在伤害、激怒或惊吓我们。

The idea appears laughable or extreme.

这个想法似乎有些可笑或极端。

It makes our partners sound like monsters 語法

它让我们的伴侣听起来像个怪物，

or ourselves like weaklings.

或者把我们自己显得像个弱者。

Neither of which is true.

这两者都不是事实。

But the self that loves within a relationship

但在一段关系中那个去爱的自我，

is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

并不是我们在生活其他方面所熟悉的那个正常的成年自我。

We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient,

我们或许在大多数时候都足智多谋且坚韧不拔，

but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

但那个去爱的人，却是一个无比脆弱的存在。

We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, 表達脈絡

我们可以把它想象成一个更小、更年轻、

more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads

更加毫无防备的自我版本，它住在我们的大脑里，

and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies, 語法

它不比还是婴儿时的我们更坚强，也不比那时更聪明，

which is when so many of our needs for

而那时正是我们对爱的众多需求

and ideas about love were formed.

和对爱的观念形成的时候。

It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts,

正是这个脆弱的自我继续主导着我们的心，

even if we're 6 ft 2 with a pointy beard.

哪怕我们身高 1 米 88 且留着尖胡子。

The loving self has a gossamer thin ego. 習語

这个去爱的自我，有着薄如蝉翼的自尊。

It gets hurt, frightened, and upset with desperate ease. 短語搭配

它极易受伤、担惊受怕，动不动就心烦意乱。

You could deeply distress it

你很容易就能让它陷入深深的痛苦，

by interrupting it during a story it's telling you 語法

比如在它跟你讲

about the sandwich it had for lunch,

午餐吃了什么三明治的故事时打断它，

by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday,

比如没有多问问它昨天胳膊上起的小红点，

by preferring a book to cuddling,

比如宁愿看书也不愿拥抱，

or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.

或者是对看哪个电视频道挑三拣四。

Of course, these are by ordinary adult standards, 短語搭配

当然，用普通成年人的标准来看，

tiny slights.

这些都是微不足道的怠慢。

But we don't love by adult standards.

但我们在爱情中并不遵循成年人的标准。

These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves 習語

这些小小的暗箭，足以将那个去爱的自我

to its tender emotional core.

柔弱的情感核心刺伤。

Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happened. 短語動詞

理想情况下，这个小小的自我应该立刻指出发生了什么。

It would carefully explain that it had been frustrated and hurt.

它应该仔细说明自己感到了失落和受伤。

Its voice would be measured, undefensive, and charming.

它的声音应该是不疾不徐、毫无防备且充满魅力的。

But mostly, it just stays silent.

但大多数时候，它只是保持沉默。

That's forgivable.

这是可以原谅的。

It doesn't properly understand what's wrong.

它并不完全明白到底怎么了。

It just knows it's in pain

它只知道自己很痛苦，

and is driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself, 短語搭配

并且受制于退缩和自我保护的本能，

which translates into behavior that looks pretty cold. 短語動詞

这表现出来的就是看起来相当冷淡的行为。

If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, 習語

如果成年的自我需要把去爱的自我的不安表达出来，

it could sound and feel absurd,

听起来、感觉上都会显得荒谬，

which is partly why it doesn't.

这也是它不愿这么做的部分原因。

There can be something especially humiliating in having to say,

必须要说出这些话，会让人觉得格外的屈辱：

"I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break." 短語搭配

“我觉得你对我午休的细节不够关心。”

Or, "I'm 45 years old,

或者，“我已经 45 岁了，

but not capable of sharing a TV remote control."

但就是做不到和你共用一个电视遥控器。”

These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on, 短語動詞

对于一个成年人来说，纠结这些的确都是鸡毛蒜皮的小事，

but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love

但是，我们在爱情中展现出脆弱的那一部分，

don't obey the ordinary adult rules.

是不遵守成年人常规法则的。

The consequence is that the loving self dries up. 短語動詞

结果就是，那个去爱的自我渐渐枯竭。

It doesn't want to have sex.

它不想做爱。

It gets sarcastic and irritable.

它变得尖酸刻薄、易怒。

But it doesn't even know why it's like this.

但它甚至不知道自己为什么会变成这样。

It isn't putting on an act. 習語

它并不是在演戏。

It's confused.

它是困惑的。

To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness

为了学会应对，我们需要明确地相互意识

and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress

并且宽容这种由敏感和痛苦交织的动态过程，

and a commitment to decode it

并承诺在疏离和冷漠降临时，

when disengagement and indifference descend. 習語

努力去解开它的症结。

We have to create a forum

我们必须建立一个沟通的平台，

in which so-called minor love-sapping hurts can safely be aired 用詞

在这里，那些所谓消磨爱的“小伤害”可以安全地表达出来，

without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, 語法

而不必担心另一方会像他们一贯轻易做到的那样，

the issues at stake as childish or imagined. 習語

把这些核心问题打发为幼稚或幻想。

The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous,

那个去爱的自我的敏感确实是可笑的，

if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life. 語法

如果用生活中其他领域更强硬的标准来评判。

But this is not the rest of life. 表達脈絡

但这并不是生活的其他领域。

When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners. 習語

当我们变得冷淡时，我们可能并没有真的对伴侣失去兴趣。

We might just need an opportunity to imagine

我们或许只是需要一个机会去假想，

that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them.

自己其实在默默地对他们感到受伤和愤怒。

And we should have access to a safe forum 短語搭配

而且，我们应该能够拥有一个安全的交流空间，

in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired,

让那些温柔却带刺的情绪得以表达、

purged, and understood without risk of humiliation. 短語搭配

净化，并被理解，而没有受到屈辱的风险。