为什么爱情总是不如想象中美好：英语精读讲义

Often, our partner isn't necessarily being terrible in any overt way, 語法

通常，我们的伴侣并不一定有什么明显的糟糕表现，

but we feel a growing sadness about the character of our relationship. 用詞

但我们却对关系的状态感到越来越悲伤。

The partner isn't as focused on us as we'd hoped. 語法

伴侣并不像我们希望的那样关注我们。

There are often times when they don't understand us properly.

他们经常不能很好地理解我们。

They're often busy and preoccupied.

他们总是很忙，心不在焉。

They can be a bit offhand or abrupt. 用詞

他们有时会显得有些漫不经心或唐突。

They're not hugely interested in the details of our day.

他们对我们一天的生活细节不怎么感兴趣。

They call their friends rather than talk with us. 語法

他们更愿意给朋友打电话，而不是跟我们聊天。

We feel disenchanted and let down. 短語動詞

我们感到不再抱有幻想，满心失落。

Love was supposed to be lovely, 語法

爱情本该是美好的，

but without any one huge thing having gone wrong, 語法

但在没有发生任何重大变故的情况下，

it doesn't feel much that way day-to-day.

日常生活却让人感觉不到多少爱意。

This sorrow has a paradoxical source.

这种悲伤有一个看似矛盾的根源。

We're upset now because at some point in the past,

我们现在感到难过，是因为在过去的某个时刻，

we were really rather fortunate.

我们曾非常幸运。

We're sad because we've been lucky. 表達脈絡

我们之所以悲伤，是因为我们曾经幸运过。

To explain the seeming paradox,

为了解释这个看似矛盾的现象，

we need to have a look at the intimate origins of love. 短語搭配

我们需要审视一下爱的亲密本源。

Our idea of what a good loving relationship should be like 語法

我们对一段美好的恋爱关系应该是怎样的，

and what it feels like to be loved

以及被爱的感觉是怎样的认知，

doesn't ever come from what we've seen in adulthood.

从来不是来源于成年后的所见所闻。

It arises from a stranger,

它源自一个更陌生、

more powerful source.

更强大的地方。

The idea of happy coupledom

对于幸福情侣的想象，

taps into a fundamental picture of comfort, 短語動詞

触及了一种对舒适、

deep security,

深度安全感、

wordless communication,

默契交流、

and of our needs being effortlessly understood 語法

以及需求能毫不费力地被理解的根本画面，

that comes from early childhood.

这些画面都来源于幼年时期。

At the best moments of childhood,

在童年最美好的时刻，

if things went reasonably well,

如果一切顺利的话，

a loving parent offered us extraordinary satisfaction.

慈爱的父母会给我们带来非凡的满足感。

They knew when we were hungry or tired,

他们知道我们什么时候饿了或累了，

even though we couldn't usually explain. 語法

哪怕我们通常无法表达。

We didn't need to strive.

我们不需要费力去争取。

They made us feel completely safe.

他们让我们感到无比安全。

We were held peacefully.

我们被安稳地抱着。

We were entertained and indulged.

我们被逗弄，被宠爱。

And even if we don't recall the explicit details,

即使我们已经记不起具体的细节，

the experience of being cherished has made a profound impression on us. 短語搭配

被珍爱的经历已经给我们留下了深刻的烙印。

It's planted itself in our deep minds 習語

它扎根在我们的潜意识中，

as the ideal template of what love should be.

成了我们心中关于爱应该是什么样的理想模板。

As adults,

成年以后，

without really noticing,

在我们没有真正察觉的情况下，

we continue to be enthralled to this notion of being loved, 用詞

我们继续被这种被爱的观念所束缚，

projecting the best experience of our early years

把早年最美好的经历投射

into our present relationships

到现在的关系中，

and finding them sorely wanting as a result, 用詞

结果却发现现实令人极度失望，

a comparison that is profoundly corrosive and unfair. 習語

这是一种极具破坏性且不公平的比较。

The love we received from a parent

我们从父母那里得到的爱，

can't ever be a workable model for our later adult experience of love. 短語搭配

永远无法成为我们日后成年后爱的体验的可行模式。

The reason is fundamental.

原因很根本。

We were a baby then, 表達脈絡

那时我们是个婴儿，

we are an adult now,

而现在我们是成年人，

a dichotomy with several key ramifications.

这种差异带来了几个关键影响。

For a start, 表達脈絡

首先，

our needs were so much simpler.

那时的需求简单得多。

Back then,

过去，

we needed to be washed, amused, put to bed,

我们需要洗澡、被逗乐、被哄上床睡觉，

but we didn't need someone to trawl intelligently through the troubled corners of our minds. 習語

但我们不需要有人去聪明地梳理我们脑海中苦恼的角落。

We didn't need a caregiver to understand

我们不需要照顾者理解

why we prefer the first series of a television show to the second, 語法

为什么我们更喜欢一部电视剧的第一季而不是第二季，

why it's necessary to see our aunt on Sunday,

为什么周日必须去看看阿姨，

or why it matters to us so much that the curtains harmonize with the sofa covers, 語法

或者为什么窗帘必须和沙发套搭配对我们如此重要，

or that bread must be cut with a proper bread knife.

亦或是面包为什么必须用专门的面包刀切。

The parent knew absolutely what was required

父母完全知道，

in relation to certain basic physical and emotional requirements.

在某些基本的生理和情感需求上，我们需要什么。

Our partner, on the other hand, 表達脈絡

然而，我们的伴侣，

is stumbling in the dark 習語

却在黑暗中摸索，

around needs that are immensely subtle,

面对那些极其微妙、

far from obvious,

极不明显，

and very complicated to deliver upon.

而且很难满足的需求。

Secondly,

其次，

none of it was reciprocal back then.

当时的一切都不是双向的。

The parent was intensely focused on caring for us,

父母全身心地照顾我们，

but they knew and totally accepted

但他们清楚且完全接受，

that we wouldn't engage with their needs.

我们不会去照顾他们的需求。

They didn't for a second imagine

他们从未想过

that they could take their troubles to us

可以把自己的烦恼向我们倾诉，

or expect us to nurture them.

或者指望我们去抚育他们。

They didn't need us to ask them about their day.

他们不需要我们问他们今天过得怎么样。

Our responsibility was blissfully simple.

我们的责任令人愉悦地简单。

All we had to please them 語法

我们讨好他们所需要做的，

was to exist.

就只是存在。

Our most ordinary actions,

我们最普通的动作，

rolling over on our tummy,

在肚子上打个滚，

grasping a biscuit in our tiny hand,

用小手抓住一块饼干，

enchanted them with ease.

就能轻易让他们感到欣喜。

We were loved. 表達脈絡

我们是被爱的。

We didn't have to love,

我们不需要去爱，

a distinction between kinds of love which language normally artfully blurs,

这两种爱之间的区别通常被语言巧妙地模糊了，

shielding us from the difference between being the privileged customer of love 習語

让我们无视了作为一个享受特权的“爱的消费者”，

or its more exhausted and long-suffering provider.

和一个更加疲惫、长期忍耐的“爱的提供者”之间的不同。

Furthermore,

此外，

our parents were probably kind enough to shield us from the burden 短語搭配

我们的父母可能好心地为我们屏蔽了

that looking after us imposed on them.

照顾我们给他们带来的负担。

They maintained a reasonably sunny facade 習語

他们保持着相当开朗的表面，

until they retired to their own bedroom,

直到他们回到自己的卧室，

at which point the true toll of their efforts could be witnessed. 短語搭配

此时才能看到他们付出的真正代价。

But by then,

但那时，

we were asleep.

我们已经睡着了。

They did us the honor

他们很尊重我们，

of not quite showing us what looking after us cost them,

没有完全向我们展示照顾我们的代价，

which was immensely kind,

这极其善良，

but did us one lasting disservice. 短語搭配

却也给我们带来了一个永久的负面影响。

It may unwittingly have created an expectation

它可能在无意中制造了一种期望，

of what it could mean for someone to love us,

让我们以为别人爱我们应该是什么样子，

which was never true in the first place. 短語搭配

而这从一开始就不是真的。

We might in later life end up with lovers who are tetchy with us, 講解

到了晚年，我们可能会遇到对我们脾气暴躁的爱人，

who are too tired to talk at the end of the day,

他们在一天结束时累得不想说话，

who don't marvel at our every antic,

不会对我们的每个小动作惊叹不已，

who can't even be bothered to listen to what we're saying. 短語搭配

甚至懒得听我们在说什么。

And we might feel,

我们可能会感到

with some bitterness,

有些心酸，

that this is not how our parents were.

觉得我们的父母不是这样的。

The irony, 表達脈絡

讽刺的是，

which has its redeeming side,

这个讽刺也有一丝宽慰作用，

is that in truth,

事实就是，

this is exactly how our parents were,

我们的父母当年恰恰就是这样的，

just up in their bedroom

只是他们在楼上的卧室里，

when we were asleep and realized nothing.

而我们正在熟睡，什么也没察觉到。

The source of our present sorrow

因此，我们现在悲伤的根源

is not, therefore,

并不是，

a special failing on the part of our adult lovers.

我们成年爱人的某种特殊缺陷。

They are not tragically inept 語法

他们并非蠢得可悲，

nor uniquely selfish.

也不是极其自私。

It's rather that we're judging our adult experiences 表達脈絡

而是我们在用一种完全不同的童年爱的标准，

in the light of a very different kind of childhood love. 習語

来评判我们成年后的经历。

We are sorrowful

我们感到悲伤，

not because we've landed with the wrong person, 講解

并不是因为我们找错了人，

but because we have, sadly,

而是因为我们遗憾地，

been forced to grow up. 短語動詞

被迫长大了。