如何帮助我们所爱的人：英语精读讲义

One of the key desires of love is the wish to help another person. 語法

爱的一个核心诉求就是渴望帮助另一个人。

But an intention doesn't always or automatically translate into a ready capacity for true assistance. 短語動詞

但是，有意愿并不总是或自动地转化为提供真正帮助的现成能力。

Picture a 5-year-old who stumbled into his parents' bedroom and surprised his mother crying. 講解

想象一个5岁的孩子，他跌跌撞撞地走进父母的卧室，惊讶地发现母亲在哭泣。

She's normally so strong and ready with help for him.

她平时是那么坚强，随时准备帮助他。

Now he longs to do something to staunch the tears, 講解

现在他渴望做点什么来止住她的眼泪，

but he's at sea. 習語

但他却不知所措。

The sobs might be about the mortgage,

抽泣可能是因为抵押贷款，

a turbulent time at work,

工作中的动荡时期，

or an argument with her partner.

或者是和伴侣发生了争执。

But all these aren't for a child to grasp. 語法

但所有这些都不是一个孩子能理解的。

He sweetly suggests a glass of water

他贴心地提议给母亲端杯水，

and pipes up that he might run downstairs to get knitted rabbit. 短語動詞

并大声说他可以跑下楼去拿针织兔子。

The impulse to help floats logically free of any actual ability to do so. 習語

想要帮忙的冲动在逻辑上完全脱离了任何实际帮忙的能力。

Two people can long to be supportive and generous towards one another

两个人可能都渴望对彼此给予支持和慷慨，

and yet lack all the skills to deliver on their good intentions, 短語動詞

却缺乏实现其良好意图的所有技能，

and therefore end up feeling isolated, 短語動詞

因此最终感到孤立、

resentful, and unloved.

怨恨和不被爱。

We cause ourselves trouble because we're too slow to recognize an odd, 語法

我们给自己惹麻烦，是因为我们太迟钝，没有意识到一个奇怪的、

largely unmentioned phenomenon,

很大程度上不为人知的现象，

how varied and particular our notions of help can be. 語法

即我们对帮助的看法是多么多样和具体。

We take our own preferred style of being soothed 語法

我们把我们自己偏好的被安抚的方式，

as the natural starting point for how to soothe others.

作为如何安抚他人的理所当然的起点。

But when we're wrong and our partner's original distress

但当我们弄错了，而且伴侣原本的痛苦

is compounded by their sense of having been ignored or insulted, 短語搭配

又因他们感到被忽视或被侮辱而加剧时，

we take them to be ungrateful and cruel 語法

我们就会认为他们忘恩负义、冷酷无情，

and vow never to attempt to be kind again.

并发誓以后再也不试着释放善意了。

An urgent task is therefore to try to understand

因此，一项紧迫的任务就是试着去理解，

the particular way in which we and our partner

我们和伴侣

need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real. 語法

需要爱以何种特定方式传递，才能感觉到它是真实的。

We might be types who,

我们可能是这样的人，

when we're sad or in difficulties,

当我们伤心或遇到困难时，

need first and foremost to speak. 短語搭配

首先最需要的是倾诉。

What we say may not be entirely sequential.

我们说的话可能并不完全连贯。

We might go back over things a few times 短語動詞

我们可能会把事情反复说几次，

and omit to cap our stories with neat endings. 短語搭配

并且不会给我们的故事画上完美的句号。

But that might not matter,

但这可能没关系，

because what we want above all from a partner when we're suffering 語法

因为当我们在遭受痛苦时，我们最希望伴侣做的是

is that they sit with us at length and listen. 用詞

长时间陪着我们，听我们说。

We want them to signal their engagement with their eyes, 短語搭配

我们希望他们用眼睛示意他们的参与，

but not with their mouths.

而不是用嘴巴。

To register our anger,

去感知我们的愤怒，

to observe our disappointment,

去体察我们的失望，

and at most at opportune moments,

最多在合适的时候，

to prompt us with a "Go on." or a small supportive sound. 短語搭配

提示我们“继续说”或者发出一点支持的声音。

Yet what we absolutely don't want answers, solutions, or analyses,

然而，我们绝对不需要答案、解决方案或分析，

for them to open their wallets,

不需要他们掏钱，

to give us a plan,

也不需要他们给我们计划，

or to rush to fill in our silences. 習語

更不需要他们急于填补我们的沉默。

We want them to sit listening

我们希望他们坐着倾听，

because the real problem we need assistance with

因为我们需要帮助的真正问题，

isn't so much the specific issue we're mentioning, 語法

与其说是我们提到的具体问题，

the parking ticket, the in-laws, the delayed delivery.

停车罚单，姻亲关系，还是延迟的快递。

It's the overarching sense that most people we encounter

不如说是一种总体上的感觉：我们遇到的大多数人，

can't really be bothered to take the time to imagine themselves correctly into our lives. 講解

并不真的愿意花时间设身处地去想象我们的生活。

Perhaps there was a history to this.

也许这是有渊源的。

Our parents might have been practically minded, busy, and successful,

我们的父母可能比较务实、忙碌、事业有成，

but somehow rather callous and distracted

但不知怎么的，却有些冷酷和心不在焉，

in the way they sought always and immediately

他们总是且立刻试图

to push our difficulties out of the way with logic. 習語

用逻辑把我们的困难推开。

Now we feel how an immediate solution

现在我们觉得，一个立刻的解决方案，

can be an excuse for not listening to the problem. 短語搭配

可能成为不倾听问题的借口。

That's why just being heard feels like the quintessence of love. 講解

这就是为什么仅仅被倾听就让人觉得是爱的真谛。

We might almost deliberately take our time, 短語搭配

我们甚至可能会刻意地慢慢来，

go back over points with our partner,

和伴侣重提一些观点，

go back over points our partner had thought were finished,

重提伴侣以为已经结束的观点，

and re-explore a jagged bit of our story,

并重新探讨我们故事中不平顺的一面，

not to mislead,

不是为了误导，

but because such rehearsals create the backdrop 習語

而是因为这种反复的陈述创造了一种背景，

for the only style of help we crave and trust,

让我们能够得到我们渴望和信任的唯一一种帮助方式：

receptive, quiet attention.

包容的、安静的关注。

Then again, at another end of the spectrum, 表達脈絡

然而，在另一种极端情况下，

love might not feel real

爱可能感觉不那么真实，

unless it's accompanied by precise and concrete solutions. 語法

除非它伴随着精确而具体的解决方案。

Vague sympathy is worthless.

模棱两可的同情毫无价值。

We might want to hear a flow of ideas

我们可能想听到滔滔不绝的想法，

as to what we should do next,

关于我们接下来该做什么，

what sort of strategy we should deploy,

我们应该部署什么样的策略，

whom we might call,

我们可能给谁打电话，

and how we can get answers.

以及我们如何得到答案。

It's all very well for someone to say they feel our pain. 語氣意圖

别人说他们对我们的痛苦感同身受固然很好。

We would prefer a plan.

但我们更想要一个计划。

Love is a sheet of paper 習語

爱是一张纸，

with a list of bullet points in your partner's handwriting.

上面有伴侣亲笔写下的一系列要点。

In addition,

此外，

we might not be averse to evidence 用詞

我们可能不反感看到这样的证据：

that our partner has spent some money on our problems.

伴侣为了解决我们的问题花了一些钱。

Time isn't a currency we respect. 習語

时间不是我们尊重的货币。

We might want them to pay for an accountant or a lawyer,

我们可能希望他们花钱请一位会计师或律师，

or offer an evening in an expensive restaurant.

或者请我们在昂贵的餐厅吃顿晚餐。

After an economically fragile childhood,

在度过了经济脆弱的童年之后，

to feel really helped,

为了感觉到真正获得了帮助，

we might long for evidence of financial outlay.

我们可能渴望看到财务支出方面的证据。

We can't be reassured just by what someone says.

我们不能仅仅因为别人说的话就感到安心。

We've built up a residual suspicion and distrust 短語搭配

我们对单纯的言语安慰

around lone verbal offerings.

建立起了一种挥之不去的怀疑和不信任。

We remember how nice it was

我们记得那种感觉有多好：

when an elderly relative unexpectedly gave us a very well-chosen present

当一位年长的亲戚出乎意料地送给我们一份精心挑选的礼物时，

when we were nine and in hospital after a bad fall.

就在我们九岁那年因为严重摔伤而住院的时候。

They never said very much to us,

他们从不对我们说太多话，

perhaps they were rather shy,

也许他们比较腼腆，

but this gesture truly touched us. 用詞

但这个举动真的感动了我们。

We felt sure of their kindness,

我们确信他们的善意，

as if for the first time,

仿佛是第一次，

when we learnt just how much the present had cost. 語法

当我们得知那份礼物花了多少钱时。

Differently again,

又有不同的是，

when we divulge our agonies, 用詞

当我们倾诉我们的痛苦时，

our priority may just be to hear that everything will eventually be okay.

我们的首要任务可能只是想听到一切最终都会好起来的。

We don't mind a little bit of exaggeration.

我们不介意有一点点夸张。

Despair strikes us as cheap. 短語搭配

绝望在我们看来是廉价的。

Reasons to give up are always obvious.

放弃的理由总是显而易见的。

For us, love is a species of hope. 習語

对我们来说，爱是一种希望。

Or, alternatively,

或者，反过来说，

it's hope that may be enraging.

希望可能会让人愤怒。

What calms us down is a quiet walk around the prospect of catastrophe. 講解

能让我们平静下来的，是静静地走在灾难的阴影中。

We don't want to be alone in our fears.

我们不想独自面对恐惧。

We long for someone to explore the grimmest possibilities

我们渴望有人带着冷酷的镇定，

with bleak sang-froid. 用詞

去探讨最严酷的可能性。

To mention prison, insolvency,

提及监狱、破产、

front-page headlines, and the grave.

头版头条，以及坟墓。

Only when our partner is ready to match our most forbidding analyses 語法

只有当我们的伴侣准备好面对我们最可怕的分析时，

can we be reassured we're not in the hands of a callous sentimentalist, 習語

我们才能确信自己没有落入冷酷的感伤主义者手中，

rather someone honest enough to see the dangers

而是遇到了一个足够诚实、能看到危险

and to worry about them as much as we do,

并且和我们一样担心这些危险的人，

and perhaps stick with us while we serve out the prison sentence. 短語動詞

也许还能在我们服刑期间对我们不离不弃。

A cuddle can sound to some like a petty response to bad news, 語法

拥抱在一些人看来，可能是对坏消息无济于事的回应，

but for us,

但对我们来说，

it can be the most reliable evidence of heartfelt love.

它可以是发自内心的爱最可靠的证据。

To help our minds,

要帮助我们的心灵，

we need someone first to reassure our bodies,

我们首先需要有人来安抚我们的身体，

to hold us tightly and quietly while we close our eyes in pain

在我们痛苦地闭上双眼时，紧紧地、静静地抱住我们，

and surrender to their firm embrace. 短語搭配

让我们屈服于他们坚实的拥抱中。

Help in adulthood may for others be associated with the gift of insight, 短語搭配

对其他人来说，成年后的帮助可能与洞察力的馈赠有关，

but for us,

但对我们来说，

it is touch that soothes. 語法

能带来慰藉的是抚摸。

We're picking up on memories of early childhood. 短語動詞

我们正在拾起童年早期的记忆。

Wise parents know that a distressed child doesn't need a lesson or a lecture.

明智的父母知道，痛苦的孩子不需要教训或说教。

They should be laid down on the bed, 短語動詞

他们应该被安置在床上，

held,

被抱住，

and their head stroked by a giant soft adult hand.

还有一只巨大的、柔软的成年人的手抚摸他们的头。

The misfortune lies in how easily we can irritate with the wrong offer of love,

不幸的是，我们多么容易因错误的爱而激怒对方，

and in turn, 表達脈絡

反过来，

how quickly we can be offended when our efforts at loving go unappreciated. 語法

当我们爱的努力得不到感激时，我们又有多快会感到被冒犯。

Recognizing that there are different styles of help

认识到有不同风格的帮助方式，

at least alerts us to the severe risks of misunderstanding. 短語搭配

至少能让我们警惕误解的严重风险。

Instead of getting annoyed at our lover's inept and sometimes wildly misdirected efforts, 語法

与其对爱人笨拙、有时严重错位的心意感到恼火，

we can grasp, perhaps for the first time,

我们或许可以第一次明白

the basic truth

这样一个基本事实：

that these blundering companions are, in fact, attempting to be nice. 表達脈絡

这些跌跌撞撞的伴侣，实际上是在试图表达善意。

In turn,

反过来，

the clearest clue of the kind of help our partner wants 語法

关于我们的伴侣想要哪种帮助的最清晰的线索，

is the help they offer us.

就是他们提供给我们的帮助。

It seems love can't remain at the level of intentions alone. 習語

看来爱不能仅仅停留在意愿层面。

It must involve constant strenuous efforts

它必须包含持续的、艰苦的努力，

to translate our wishes into interventions 表達脈絡

以将我们的愿望转化为

truly aligned with the psychology and history of another human being. 短語搭配

真正符合另一个人心理和过往经历的介入行动。