为什么回避型与焦虑型伴侣很难分手：英语精读讲义

There is a certain sort of relationship that is alternately passionate, fiery, and painfully unfulfilling

有一种关系，时而充满激情、热烈，时而又令人痛苦地感到空虚，

and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants.

这种关系往往让局外人和身在其中的人都感到困惑。

A relationship between one person who is, as psychologists put it, 表達脈絡

心理学家将其称为这样两个人之间的关系：

anxiously attached and another who is avoidantly attached. 文化背景

一方是焦虑型依恋，另一方是回避型依恋。

There is, in such couplings,

在这样的结合中，

a constant game of push and pull. 習語

总是存在着一种推拉的游戏。

The anxiously attached party typically complains,

焦虑型依恋的一方通常会抱怨，

more or less loudly,

声音或大或小地表示，

that their partner is not responsive enough.

他们的伴侣回应不够。

They accuse them of being emotionally distant, 語法

他们指责对方在情感上疏远、

withholding, cold, and perhaps physically uninterested too.

有所保留、冷漠，也许在身体上也漠不关心。

The avoidant lover, for their part, 表達脈絡

至于回避型恋人这一边，

stays relatively quiet,

则保持着相对的沉默，

but in their more fed up moments,

但在他们实在受够了的时候，

complains that the anxious party is far too demanding, 語法

也会抱怨焦虑型的一方要求太多，

possibly mad,

可能疯了，

and, as they put it pejoratively, 表達脈絡

而且，正如他们带有贬义地所说：

needy. 用詞

太粘人。

One person seems to want far too much, 語法

一个人似乎想要得太多，

the other far too little.

另一个人似乎想要得太少。

The unhappiness unfolds in a cycle.

这种不快乐在一个循环中展开。

At the start,

在开始的时候，

the anxious partner loves the avoidant one with great intensity,

焦虑型伴侣极其强烈地爱着回避型伴侣，

but in time, also growing frustration.

但随着时间的推移，挫败感也在不断增加。

The dissatisfaction grows ever more intense until, 語法

不满情绪变得越来越强烈，直到

eventually one day,

终于有一天，

fed up with so much seeming rejection, 短語動詞

受够了看似无尽的拒绝，

the anxious partner overcomes their fears,

焦虑型的伴侣克服了恐惧，

decides they need something better,

决定他们需要更好的生活，

and tells their lover that they're off. 短語動詞

并告诉他们的恋人他们要走了。

At which point the avoidant party undergoes a complete sea change. 講解

就在这时，回避型的一方发生了翻天覆地的变化。

Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love, 語法

他们最深层的恐惧，也就是被爱吞噬的恐惧，

disappears at a stroke 習語

瞬间消失了，

and reveals something that is normally utterly submerged in their character,

取而代之的，展现出一种平时完全被掩藏在性格之下的东西，

a fear of being abandoned.

那就是对被抛弃的恐惧。

Wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed,

完全从被吞噬的威胁中解脱出来，

the anxious one may by now have packed their bags, 講解

虽然此时焦虑型的一方可能已经收拾好了行李，

the avoidant one

回避型的一方

gives free rein to all their reserves of pent-up romanticism and ardor, 習語

却开始尽情释放他们所有压抑的浪漫与热情，

which feel utterly safe to bring out

这些特质现在对他们来说拿出来是非常安全的，

now that there seems so little danger of reciprocation. 語法

因为现在看来不需要承担什么回应的风险。

Despite their fury,

尽管非常愤怒，

the anxious person hears the honeyed words and forthright promises, 習語

焦虑型的人听到了这些甜言蜜语和直白的承诺，

and, after some initial doubts,

在最初的怀疑之后，

can't help but be won over. 講解

还是忍不住被赢回了心。

The formerly distant partner appears to have become, 語法

曾经疏远的伴侣似乎

in the nick of time, 習語

在关键时刻，

as they'd always wanted them to be,

变成了他们一直想要的样子：

a warm soul.

一个温暖的灵魂。

There is no reason not to return. 語法

没有理由不回头。

After all, 表達脈絡

毕竟，

it's not that they didn't love this person. 語氣意圖

并不是他们不爱这个人。

It was the feeling they weren't loved back that was making things impossible. 講解

而是那种感觉不到被爱的心情让事情变得无法继续。

For a time,

有一段时间，

there is bliss,

充满了幸福，

and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness. 短語動詞

似乎这对伴侣正走向长久的快乐。

Liberated from their anxiety around engulfment, 表達脈絡

从被吞噬的焦虑中解放出来后，

the avoidant partner gives free expression to love. 短語搭配

回避型的伴侣自由地表达着爱。

Liberated from their fear of abandonment,

从对被抛弃的恐惧中解放出来后，

the anxious one is left feeling secure and trusting. 語法

焦虑型的一方感受到了安全和信任。

But soon enough,

但没过多久，

the problems return.

问题又回来了。

Things become,

事情变得，

as it were, 語氣意圖

仿佛，

too nice for the avoidant partner.

对回避型的伴侣来说太过美好了。

It seems the anxious one isn't going to leave them anymore.

似乎焦虑型的一方再也不会离开他们了。

They're just going to stick around and seek ever greater closeness. 短語動詞

他们只会一直留在这里，寻求更亲密的关系。

And so,

于是，

the old fear of engulfment returns.

昔日被吞噬的恐惧又回来了。

They have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant, 講解

他们别无选择，只能再次开始抽离并变得疏远，

which gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner. 用詞

渐渐地，这让焦虑型的伴侣再次无法忍受。

Within weeks or months,

在几周或几个月内，

the pair are back in the same situation.

两人又回到了同样的境地。

Fierce arguments return.

激烈的争吵再次出现。

The words needy and cold are once more in circulation. 短語搭配

“粘人”和“冷漠”这些词再次被搬上台面。

It's time for another crisis and another threat of departure.

又到了一次危机和再一次以离开相威胁的时候。

It may go on like this for years or a lifetime. 短語動詞

这样的情况可能会持续几年，甚至一生。

From the outside, 表達脈絡

在外人看来，

it is almost funny.

这几乎很可笑。

From the inside,

但在身处其中的人看来，

simply hellish.

简直就是地狱。

There are a few ways out.

有几个出路。

The avoidant party can realize

回避型的一方可以意识到，

and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment.

并学会忍受他们被吞噬的恐惧。

The anxious party can grow conscious of their unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people, 講解

焦虑型的一方可以渐渐意识到他们那种不由自主被无法带来满足感的人所吸引的倾向，

refuse to go back after a crisis,

在危机之后拒绝回头，

and seek a future with more secure and reassuring sorts.

并去寻找那些更有安全感、更让人安心的人来共度余生。

Or,

或者，

yet more hopefully for the couple,

对这对伴侣来说更有希望的是，

both partners could acquire the vocabulary of attachment theory. 文化背景

双方都可以去了解依恋理论的词汇。

They could come to observe their repetitions,

他们可以去观察他们的这种重复模式，

gain some insight into aspects of their childhoods that drive them on, 講解

深入了解他们童年中驱使他们这样做的各个方面，

and learn not to act out their compulsions. 短語動詞

并学会不被这种强迫性驱力所摆布。

They can learn the games that they're unconsciously playing, 表達脈絡

他们可以认清自己正在无意识中玩的这个游戏，

and then,

然后，

to the relief of all who care for them,

让所有关心他们的人感到欣慰的是，

and to the redemption of their relationship,

也为了挽救他们的关系，

they can refuse to play them any longer.

他们可以选择不再玩下去了。

Our book,

我们的书，

Sorrows of Love,

《爱情的悲伤》(Sorrows of Love)，

helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love.

帮助我们大家处理不可避免的爱情之痛。

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如果你喜欢我们的影片，

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