浪漫主义如何毁了爱情：英语精读讲义

Since around 1750, 語法

大约从1750年起，

we've been living in a highly distinctive era in the history of love

我们生活在爱情史上一个极其独特的时代，

that we can call Romanticism.

我们可以称之为浪漫主义时代。

Romanticism emerged as an ideology in Europe in the mid-18th century

18世纪中叶，浪漫主义作为一种意识形态在欧洲兴起，

in the minds of poets,

存在于诗人、

artists,

艺术家、

and philosophers,

以及哲学家的脑海中，

and it's now conquered the world. 習語

而如今它已征服了世界。

No single relationship ever follows the romantic template exactly,

没有任何一段感情会完全照搬浪漫主义的模板，

but its broad outlines are frequently present nevertheless

但其大致轮廓仍然经常可见，

and can be summed up as follows. 表達脈絡

并可总结如下。

Romanticism is deeply hopeful about marriage.

浪漫主义对婚姻抱有极高的期望。

Romanticism took marriage,

浪漫主义将婚姻——

hitherto seen as a practical and emotionally temperate union,

此前一直被视为一种基于现实且情感节制的结合——

and fused it together with a passionate love story 短語搭配

与充满激情的爱情故事融合在一起，

to create a unique proposition of a lifelong passionate love marriage.

创造出了“相爱一生、激情不断”这种独特的婚姻主张。

Along the way,

在此过程中，

Romanticism united love and sex.

浪漫主义将爱与性合二为一。

Previously,

在此之前，

people had imagined that they could have sex with characters they didn't love

人们认为他们可以和不爱的人发生性关系，

and that they could love someone without having extraordinary sex with them.

并且可以爱一个人而无需与其体验极致的性爱。

Romanticism elevated sex to the supreme expression of love. 用詞

浪漫主义将性提升为了爱的最高表达形式。

Frequent,

频繁、

mutually satisfying sex became the bellwether of the health of any relationship. 用詞

互相满足的性生活成了衡量一切亲密关系是否健康的晴雨表。

Without necessarily meaning to, 語法

也许并非出于本意，

Romanticism made infrequent sex and adultery into catastrophes. 語法

浪漫主义把性生活不频繁与出轨都变成了灾难。

Romanticism proposed that true love must mean an end to all loneliness.

浪漫主义提出，真爱必将终结一切孤独。

The right partner must,

合适的伴侣必须，

it promised,

它承诺道，

understand us entirely,

完全懂我们，

possibly without needing even to speak to us.

甚至可能无需我们开口。

They would intuit our souls.

他们能洞悉我们的灵魂。

Romantics put a special premium on the idea that our partner 習語

浪漫主义者极其看重这样一种观念：我们的伴侣

might understand us without needing to say anything.

也许可以无需言语就能理解我们。

Romanticism believed that choosing a partner should be about letting oneself be guided by feelings

浪漫主义认为，选择伴侣应该听凭感觉的引导，

rather than practical considerations. 語法

而不是出于现实考量。

You know you're in love

你知道自己恋爱了，

because you have a special feeling.

因为你有一种特殊的感觉。

Romanticism has manifested a powerful disdain for practicalities and money. 短語搭配

浪漫主义对现实问题和金钱表现出强烈的鄙视。

It feels cold,

这听起来冷漠，

or as we say,

或者用我们的话说，

unromantic,

不浪漫：

to say you know you're with the right person

说你知道自己和对的人在一起，

because the two of you make an excellent financial fit

是因为你俩在经济上非常合拍，

or because you cherish the things like bathroom etiquette and attitudes to punctuality.

或是因为你看重卫生间礼仪和守时态度之类的事。

Romanticism believes that true love is synonymous with accepting everything about someone. 短語搭配

浪漫主义认为，真爱就等同于接受对方的一切。

The idea that one's partner or oneself may need to change

如果认为伴侣或自己需要做出改变，

is taken to be a sign that the relationship is on the rocks. 講解

这往往会被视为关系岌岌可危的信号。

"You're going to have to change"

“你必须得改改”

is a last-ditch threat. 用詞

成了穷途末路的威胁。

This template of love is a historical creation.

这种爱情模板是一种历史产物。

It's a hugely beautiful and often enjoyable one,

它极其美好，也常常令人愉悦，

but we can state boldly,

但我们可以大胆地说，

Romanticism has been a disaster for relationships.

浪漫主义对感情关系来说是一场灾难。

It's an intellectual and spiritual movement

它是一场思想与精神运动，

which has had a devastating impact on the ability of ordinary people 短語搭配

却对普通人

to lead successful emotional lives.

过上成功情感生活的能力造成了毁灭性的打击。

The salvation of love

拯救爱情的办法，

lies in overcoming a succession of errors within Romanticism. 短語搭配

在于克服浪漫主义中一连串的认知错误。

These are some of the myths of Romanticism.

以下是浪漫主义的一些迷思。

That we should meet a person of extraordinary inner and outer beauty

认为我们应该遇到一个内在和外在都绝美的人，

and immediately feel a special attraction to them and they to us. 講解

并立刻对彼此产生特殊的吸引力。

We should have highly satisfying sex not only at the start but forever. 語法

认为我们不仅在感情初期，而且永远都应该有极其和谐的性生活。

We should never be attracted to anyone else.

认为我们绝不能再被其他任何人吸引。

We should understand one another intuitively.

认为我们应该能凭直觉理解对方。

We don't need an education in love.

认为我们在爱情上不需要接受教育。

We may need to train to become a pilot or brain surgeon,

认为我们可能需要通过训练才能成为飞行员或脑外科医生，

but not a lover.

但当好伴侣却不用学。

We'll pick that up along the way by following our feelings. 講解

认为只要跟着感觉走，我们自然而然就能无师自通。

We should have no secrets and spend constant time together.

认为我们应该毫无保留，且每时每刻黏在一起。

Work won't get in the way. 習語

认为工作不会成为感情的阻碍。

We should raise a family

认为我们在养育家庭的同时，

without any loss of sexual or emotional intensity.

性致或感情浓度绝不会有丝毫减弱。

Our lover must be our soulmate, 表達脈絡

认为我们的爱人必须是我们的灵魂伴侣、

best friend,

最好的朋友、

co-parent,

共同育儿的伙伴、

co-chauffeur,

换班开车的司机、

accountant,

会计、

household manager,

家庭管家、

and spiritual guide.

以及精神导师。

If we question the assumptions of the romantic view of love,

如果我们对浪漫主义爱情观的假设提出质疑，

it's not in order to destroy love, 語法

那绝不是为了毁灭爱情，

but to save it.

而是为了拯救它。

We need to piece together a post-romantic theory of couples 短語動詞

我们需要拼凑出一种后浪漫主义的伴侣理论，

because in order to make a relationship last, 短語搭配

因为若想让一段关系长久，

we have to be disloyal to the romantic emotions

我们就必须“背叛”

that get us into it in the first place. 短語搭配

最初让我们坠入爱河的那些浪漫情绪。

We need to replace the romantic template

我们需要用一种心理上更为成熟的爱情愿景，

with a psychologically mature vision of love

来取代浪漫主义的模板，

we might call classical

我们或许可以称之为“古典主义爱情”，

and which encourages in us a range of unfamiliar,

它鼓励我们采取一系列并不熟悉、

but hopefully effective attitudes.

但希望能切实有效的态度。

For example,

例如，

that it's normal that love and sex may not always belong together. 短語搭配

认识到爱与性并非总是绑在一起，这是正常的。

That discussing money early on, 語法

认识到，尽早讨论金钱问题，

up front, 用詞

开诚布公地，

in a serious way

认真地讨论，

is not a betrayal of love.

并不是对爱情的背叛。

That realizing that we're rather flawed and our partner is too 語法

认识到自己缺点不少且伴侣也是如此，

is a huge benefit to a couple

对双方来说反而是莫大的好处，

because it increases the amount of tolerance and generosity in circulation. 習語

因为这能增加关系中流通的宽容与大度。

That we will never find everything in one person, 語法

认识到我们永远无法在一个人身上找到所需的一切，

nor they in us,

他们也无法从我们这里得到一切，

not because of some unique flaw, 語法

这并非因为某种特别的缺陷，

but because that's just the way human nature is.

而是因为人的本性就是如此。

That we need to make amends and often rather artificial-sounding efforts 短語搭配

认识到我们需要做出弥补，并经常需要付出看似有些刻意的人为努力，

to understand one another.

去相互理解。

That intuition can't get us where we need to go. 習語

认识到直觉并不能把我们带到想去的远方。

And that spending 2 hours discussing whether bathroom towels should be hung up 語法

而且，花两个小时讨论浴室的毛巾到底该挂起来，

or can be left on the floor

还是可以扔在地上，

is neither trivial nor unserious. 語法

这既不琐碎也不轻佻。

There is a special dignity around issues of laundry and timekeeping.

围绕洗衣和守时等问题，其实蕴含着一种特殊的尊严。

All these attitudes and more belong to a new,

所有这些态度以及更多观念，都属于一个全新的、

more hopeful post-romantic future for love.

对爱情充满更多希望的后浪漫主义未来。