我们可以爱谁：英语精读讲义

One of the strangest things about relationships is that we're not free to feel attracted to just anyone. 講解

关于亲密关系，最奇怪的事情之一是，我们不能随心所欲地被任何人吸引。

We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can't deviate from. 短語搭配

我们倾向于拥有某种强烈的心理类型，无法偏离。

All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists 習語

我们每个人的内心都带着非常具体的购物清单，

defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters. 語法

规定了我们能爱的人在性格上需要是什么样。

You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements

你可能以为这些购物清单会围绕着一些可爱的要求，

like that our potential lovers would need to be kind,

比如我们潜在的爱人需要是善良的、

understanding, friendly,

善解人意的、友好的，

and from our age and social group.

并且来自我们的年龄段和社会群体。

But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker.

但事实上，这些购物清单往往要怪异和阴暗得多。

We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates, 短語動詞

我们可能会最终忽视各种潜在的候选人，

dismissing them as boring or yucky, 短語搭配

认为他们无聊或令人讨厌而将他们拒之门外，

or somehow just wrong

或者仅仅觉得就是不对劲，

and heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward

然后径直走向那些性格有些糟糕

and not conducive to our happiness. 短語搭配

且不利于我们幸福的人。

For example,

例如，

we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are, 短語搭配

我们可能只会爱上那些比我们笨得多或缺乏责任感的人，

or who are really unreliable,

或者那些非常不可靠、

who are selfish and self-absorbed,

自私且以自我为中心、

or sarcastic and mean.

或者刻薄恶毒的人。

It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves,

这让我们周围的人和我们自己都感到非常困惑，

why on earth can't we settle down with people who are good for us? 講解

到底为什么我们不能和对我们有益的人安定下来？

That's because what we're looking for in love

这是因为我们在爱情中寻找的，

isn't necessarily someone who is nice, pure, and simple, 語法

未必是一个美好、纯洁、简单的人，

but someone who feels familiar.

而是一个让我们感到熟悉的人。

And a lot of us learnt about love in childhood

我们中许多人在童年时期了解了爱，

at the hands of people who were in a variety of ways trouble for us

却是在那些以各种方式给我们带来麻烦的人手中学到的，

and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types.

他们还在无意识地继续指引着我们的爱情类型。

Our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved, 語法

我们最早的照顾者给了我们爱与被爱的模板，

which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness. 習語

这可能会严重破坏我们获得幸福的机会。

The trickiness in our love types tends to go in one of three ways.

我们爱情类型的棘手之处通常有三种情况。

Let's imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive 表達脈絡

假设父亲是冷漠、暴力或虐待狂，

or mum was belittling, unavailable, or controlling.

或者母亲是贬低别人、不可依靠或控制欲强的。

It was horrible,

那些经历很可怕，

yet that ends up being what we look for in love.

但那最终却成为了我们在爱情中寻找的东西。

Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable? 語氣意圖

为什么我们还要去重复那极其让人不舒服的事情呢？

Well, because even though it was horrible, 語法

嗯，因为即使它很可怕，

it was still a love relationship.

它仍然是一段充满爱的关系。

There was abuse,

那里有虐待，

but also let's imagine a degree of familiarity,

但也让我们假设其中有一点熟悉感、

admiration, attachment, and even tenderness.

钦佩、依恋，甚至温柔。

They may have been belittling, 語法

他们可能总是在贬低我们，

but it's what we got used to.

但这就是我们已经习惯的。

And now, however illogical it sounds, 語法

那么现在，不管听起来多么不符合逻辑，

it doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well. 語法

除非这种关系也有点可怕，否则就会觉得不对劲。

It's not nice as such, 用詞

这种感觉说不上好，

but it feels comfortingly, compellingly familiar.

但它有一种让人觉得安慰、无法抗拒的熟悉感。

Or imagine we experienced first-hand

或者想象我们亲身经历了

what it was like to be made to feel terrible, 語法

让人感到糟糕的滋味，

to be humiliated and hurt,

遭到羞辱和伤害，

and then weirdly,

然后奇怪的是，

we may end up doing the same thing to someone else,

我们最终可能会对别人做同样的事情，

humiliating them in turn, 表達脈絡

反过来羞辱他们，

bossing them about, 短語動詞

对他们颐指气使，

going cold on them just when they're vulnerable to us. 習語

就在他们对我们毫无防备时，突然变得冷酷无情。

It's as if a primitive part of us 語法

似乎我们内心的原始部分

thinks that the only way not to be abused 語法

认为不被虐待的唯一方法，

is to be the abuser.

就是成为施虐者。

Deep inside,

在内心深处，

the childlike emotional self thinks the person who did that thing to me was,

那个孩子般感性的自我想着：对我做那些事的那个人，

in a way,

在某种程度上，

the opposite of me,

是我的对立面，

and that must be the place of safety,

那一定是安全的地方，

and that's who I want to be in any relationship.

那才是我在任何关系中想成为的人。

When parents cause us trouble,

当父母给我们带来困扰时，

we're often so keen to get away from it, 短語動詞

我们常常极度想要摆脱它，

we develop blocks around all kinds of character traits they may have had,

我们对他们可能具有的各种性格特征产生了抗拒，

which might actually have been good

而有些特征实际上可能很好，

and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits.

而且和那些令人烦恼的特征其实毫无关系。

So, for example,

所以，例如，

our father might have been belittling,

我们的父亲可能喜欢贬低别人，

but highly intelligent.

但非常聪明。

Now, regrettably,

现在，令人遗憾的是，

anyone intelligent can be seem hugely off-putting.

任何聪明的人似乎都变得极具排斥性。

Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality, 短語搭配

或者我们总是觉得母亲在某种程度上厌恶性，

ours especially,

尤其是针对我们的性问题，

but she was really warm and cuddly.

但她真的很温暖，让人想拥抱。

Now, sadly,

如今，可悲的是，

anyone who's warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex

任何温暖且惹人喜爱的人都会被想象成在性方面有惩罚性，

and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected.

因此感觉不对劲，必须被拒绝。

Our inner love maps are really hard to tease out. 講解

我们内心的爱情地图真的很难梳理清楚。

They certainly don't spell themselves out. 短語動詞

它们肯定不会自己说个明白。

So we have to make efforts to find out what they're dictating,

因此，我们必须努力找出它们在发号施令些什么，

so as to free ourselves from their demands. 語法

从而将自己从它们的要求中解放出来。

The investigation starts, 語法

这场调查，

as always,

像往常一样，

by trying to understand ourselves.

从试图了解我们自己开始。

What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers? 習語

我在我早期的看护者手中遭受了什么？

Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy? 講解

我是否发现自己被我喜欢的成年人身上的这些特征所吸引？

Am I causing trouble for people

我是否正在给别人带来麻烦，

in ways I might have suffered from when I was young?

用我小时候可能受过的那种方式？

Am I putting off certain people

我是否在排斥某些人，

because they have traits I associate with people who caused me difficulties as a child? 短語搭配

因为他们具有某些我将其与儿时给我带来困扰的人联系起来的特质？

Might I in other people 語法

我能在其他人身上

find the traits I like without the ones I fear?

找到我喜欢的特质，而没有我害怕的特质吗？

Emotional health means expanding on the number of people

情感健康意味着扩大那些

we're free to fall in love with.

我们可以自由去爱的人的范围。

We learn about love in childhood,

我们在童年时期了解了爱，

but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood

但我们将自己从童年的创伤中解放出来，

when we realize we can love in different ways

当我们意识到我们可以用不同的方式去爱，

and get used to something 語法

并去习惯那些

that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar.

起初可能令人感到诡异和极具挑战的陌生事物时。

Being happy with someone 表達脈絡

和一个合适且深刻地对我们有益的人在一起，

who is properly and deeply good for us.

获得幸福。