为什么我们应该对爱情少些期待：英语精读讲义

It can feel very weird and a bit threatening to talk about taking the pressure off a relationship. 短語動詞

讨论给感情减压，有时会让人觉得很奇怪，甚至有点威胁感。

Our collective inherited romantic culture likes to imagine functioning couples

我们共同继承的浪漫文化，总是倾向于想象运作良好的情侣

doing more or less everything together and being the center of each other's lives. 講解

几乎凡事都一起做，并且是彼此生活的中心。

The good couple is, we're told, 表達脈絡

我们被告知，模范情侣就是

one in which two people mean more or less everything to one another.

两个人对彼此来说几乎意味着一切。

In a sound relationship, 用詞

在一段稳固的感情中，

we're supposed to meet each other's needs in every area of existence, 講解

我们理应满足对方在生活各个领域的需求，

from sex to intellectual stimulation,

从性到智力上的刺激，

cooking styles to bedroom habits.

从烹饪风格到卧室习惯。

We're supposed to lead our social life in tandem, 習語

我们的社交生活应该步调一致，

be the primary sounding board for one another's problems, 習語

成为彼此遇到问题时的主要倾听者，

and complete each other in spirit and in matter. 習語

并在精神和物质上使对方变得完整。

If they're involved in a sport,

如果他们参与某项运动，

we should at once join in or at least come along and support them every weekend. 講解

我们应该立刻加入，或者至少每个周末都去陪伴并支持他们。

If we want to visit a particular country,

如果我们想去某个特定的国家旅游，

they're supposed to trot along enthusiastically with us. 用詞

他们理应兴致勃勃地跟我们一起去。

Our friends are meant to be their friends.

我们的朋友也应该是他们的朋友。

It all sounds sweet,

这听起来都很甜蜜，

but it is, over the long term,

但从长远来看，

a recipe for disaster. 習語

这却是酿成灾难的秘方。

No two people can ever match each other across all areas of existence, 語法

没有哪两个人能在生活的方方面面都完美契合，

and the attempt to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage. 短語動詞

强行这样做不可避免地会引来痛苦与愤怒。

We have, at the collective level,

从集体的层面来看，我们

given ourselves a hugely unhelpful picture of how love should go. 用詞

已经给自己描绘了一幅极其无益的关于爱情该有何种面貌的图景。

Any independent move is read like a sign that we can't actually love one another.

任何独立的举动都会被解读为我们其实并不相爱的迹象。

It's taken to be evidence of imminent danger 短語搭配

甚至被视为大难临头的证据，

if we visit other countries on our own or sleep apart.

如果我们独自去其他国家旅行或分床睡觉。

So, we end up badgering each other to do things that we don't really like. 講解

于是，我们最终会互相缠着去做那些自己并非真正喜欢的事情。

We force each other to endure tedious hobbies or see each other's peculiar old friends. 語法

我们强迫对方忍受无聊的爱好，或是去见对方那些古怪的老朋友。

Not even because we inherently want to do so, 表達脈絡

甚至不是因为我们骨子里想这么做，

but simply because any other arrangement has come to seem like evidence of betrayal. 語法

仅仅是因为，任何其他安排似乎都成了背叛的证据。

A more realistic and, in the proper sense, romantic view of couples 短語搭配

更加现实、且在真正意义上更为浪漫的情侣观

would suggest that there do have to be a few strong areas 語法

会建议：确实应该有几个强有力的领域，

where we meet each other's needs,

在那里我们能满足彼此的需求；

but there should also be plenty of others

但也应该有许多其他领域，

where we're clearly better off pursuing our goals on our own. 語法

显然更适合我们各自去追求自己的目标。

Consider the following list of independent activities

考虑以下独立活动的清单，

and give them stars from one to five if they strike you as relevant. 短語搭配

如果你觉得它们与你相关，请给出星级评分（一到五星）。

I'd like to travel without my partner,

我想在没有伴侣陪伴的情况下旅行，

have dinner one to one with a friend, 用詞

与朋友一对一吃晚餐，

be able to go to a party without my partner

能够不带伴侣去参加派对，

and not have them feel left out, 短語動詞

且不会让他们觉得被冷落，

visit my parents alone,

独自去探望我的父母，

have my own financial adviser,

拥有自己的财务顾问，

go for long walks on my own,

自己去散很长时间的步，

have a separate bathroom,

拥有独立的浴室，

go shopping with a friend rather than with my partner. 語法

和朋友去购物而不是和伴侣去。

Look at each other's stars and lists.

看看对方的星级和清单。

Is there anything that you feel you could accommodate? 語氣意圖

有什么你觉得你可以包容的吗？

We should recognize that a degree of independence 短語搭配

我们应该认识到，一定程度的独立

isn't an attack on a partner.

并不是对伴侣的攻击。

It's a guarantee of the solidity of the underlying commitment one has made. 短語搭配

它是对一个人所做出的根本承诺之坚固性的一种保证。

Truly stable couples aren't those that do everything together. 表達脈絡

真正稳定的情侣并不是那些什么都一起做的人。

It's those that have managed to interpret their differences 短語搭配

而是那些懂得将彼此的差异解释为

in non-dramatic and non-disloyal terms.

非戏剧化、也非不忠诚的人。

Ultimately, a reduction of dependence

归根结底，减少依赖

doesn't mean a relationship is unraveling. 表達脈絡

并不意味着感情正在破裂。

It means that we have learned to focus more clearly and intently

这意味着我们已经学会更清晰、更专注地去关注

on what the other person can actually bring us 用詞

对方实际上能带给我们什么，

and have stopped blaming them for not being someone they never were. 短語搭配

并且不再因为他们不是那个他们从来都不是的人而责怪他们。

We no longer need to be upset that their ideal holiday destination

我们不再需要因为他们理想的度假胜地

strikes us as a bit unrelaxing or that their friends can seem boring.

让我们觉得有点不放松，或者他们的朋友似乎很无聊而感到心烦意乱。

We have learned, instead,

相反，我们已经学会了

to value them for the areas where we truly see eye to eye. 習語

在我们真正能达成共识的领域去重视他们。

To enjoy a harmonious union with someone, 語法

要想与某人享受和谐的结合，

we should ensure that we have plenty of sources of excitement,

我们应该确保我们在他们之外拥有大量的能带来兴奋、

reassurance, and stimulation outside of them.

安慰和刺激的源泉。

When we hit problems,

当我们遇到问题时，

we should be able to lean on other supports. 短語動詞

我们应该能够依赖其他的支持。

The demand that another person compensate us for all that's alarming,

要求另一个人补偿我们生活中所有令人不安、

wearing, or deficient in our lives 用詞

令人疲惫或有所欠缺的部分，

is a mechanism for systematically destroying any relationship. 短語搭配

是一种系统性地破坏任何感情的机制。

Our conflicts and disappointments will at once feel more manageable

我们的冲突和失望立刻就会感觉更容易掌控，

when we stop asking our partner

当我们不再要求我们的伴侣

to function always as our long-lost other half. 講解

总是充当那个久别重逢的另一半时。

The more we can survive without a relationship, 語法

我们在没有恋爱关系的情况下越能生存，

the greater will be that relationship's chances

这段感情生存和获得圆满的机会

of survival and fulfillment.

就会越大。

We will truly give love a chance 習語

只有当我们不再相信爱情能单枪匹马地拯救我们时，

when we stop believing that it can single-handedly save us. 習語

我们才会真正给爱情一个机会。

Our book Sorrows of Love

我们的《Sorrows of Love》一书

helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love.

能帮助大家应对爱情中不可避免的烦恼。