缺爱的父母如何造就自我厌恶的孩子：英语精读讲义

A central fact about early childhood

关于童年早期的一个核心事实是

is that babies are born into the world entirely at the mercy of others. 習語

婴儿一出生就完全任由他人摆布。

They have no native strength,

他们没有天生的力量、

intelligence,

智力

or utility.

或实用性。

They cannot fight or complain,

他们不会反抗或抱怨，

walk away or argue their case. 短語搭配

不会走开或为自己争辩。

Their survival depends solely on their capacity

他们的生存完全依赖于自己的能力，

to look up from their cots with vast innocent beautiful eyes

即从婴儿床上用纯洁美丽的大眼睛仰望，

and charm their parents into caring for them. 語法

吸引父母来照顾他们。

It's their power to attract love

正是他们吸引爱的能力

that ensures they will be fed and clothed,

确保了他们能吃饱穿暖，

protected and kept alive.

受到保护并活下去。

In exchange for this nurture, 短語搭配

作为这种养育的回报，

young children readily offer their parents or caregivers

幼儿很容易向父母或照顾者提供

unconditional admiration.

无条件的崇拜。

They naturally adore and are boundlessly impressed by those

他们天生敬爱并对那些人有无限的好感，

who pick them up and bathe them,

那些抱起他们并为他们洗澡、

warm their milk and change their sheets.

温热牛奶并更换床单的人。

They are in awe at these giant people

他们对这些高大的人敬畏不已，

who know how to turn on a washing machine

认为他们知道怎么开洗衣机

and kick a ball over a tree.

还能把球踢过树顶。

There is at this stage

在这个阶段

no innate desire whatever

他们完全没有天生的欲望

to question or doubt figures of authority.

去质疑或怀疑权威人物。

Given what is at stake, 講解

考虑到生死攸关，

it follows that small children are instinctively

小孩自然而然会本能地

hugely sensitive to how well they are doing

极度敏感于自己表现得有多好，

at getting their admired protectors on their side. 習語

以便把他们崇拜的保护者拉到自己这一边。

If they feel they are loved,

如果他们感到被爱，

they can relax into themselves

就能放松下来做自己，

and get on with the many other pressing priorities of early childhood, 短語動詞

并继续处理早期童年其他许多迫切的优先事项，

working out how to eat solids,

比如弄清楚如何吃固体食物，

figuring out what a plug socket is,

搞明白插座是什么，

how a button functions,

按钮怎么用，

what words are and how soap bubbles form.

词语是什么以及肥皂泡是怎么形成的。

But if love is in more restricted supply, 習語

但如果爱的供应比较有限，

the picture grows a whole lot more complicated.

情况就会变得复杂得多。

There are childhoods in which,

在一些童年里，

for a variety of reasons,

由于种种原因，

parents fail to be charmed as they might be.

父母没能像本来那样被孩子吸引。

They leave the baby to scream,

他们任由婴儿大哭，

they shout at one another,

他们互相大喊大叫，

there might be violence and hysteria,

可能会有暴力和歇斯底里、

lethargic despair and terror.

死气沉沉的绝望和恐惧。

The young child knows instinctively it is in grave danger

幼儿本能地知道自己处于极大的危险之中，

if the situation is not somehow corrected

如果情况不能以某种方式得到纠正，

in extremis, 用詞

在极端情况下，

it may be left on a hillside to die.

它可能会被丢弃在荒郊野外等死。

At this point,

在这时，

our biology initiates a desperate yet darkly logical process. 表達脈絡

我们的生物本能启动了一个绝望却带有阴暗逻辑的过程。

The young child starts to try a lot harder.

幼儿开始更加努力。

It redoubles its efforts to charm, 短語搭配

它加倍努力去吸引人，

to be good,

去乖乖听话，

to do what could be expected of it,

去做别人期望它做的事，

to smile,

去微笑，

to ingratiate itself. 用詞

去讨好别人。

It wonders what may be wrong with itself

它怀疑是不是自己有什么问题

to explain the parental disapproval and harm

才会导致父母的反对和伤害，

and doesn't feel any alternative

并且觉得别无选择，

but to search in its own character and behavior for answers.

只能在自己的性格和行为中寻找答案。

At the same time,

与此同时，

the child resists what might,

孩子抗拒那种可能

from an adult perspective,

在成年人看来

seem like the obvious move,

显而易见的举动，

to get annoyed with and blame the adults

即去生那些没能尽责照顾它的

in the vicinity who are not looking after it as they should.

身边大人的气并责怪他们。

But such a bold thought does not belong

但如此大胆的想法并不属于

to the defenselessness of the early years.

早年的无防备状态。

We are in no position to mount a challenge to our protectors 短語搭配

我们根本没有能力去向我们的保护者发起挑战，

when we can hardly reach the door handle,

毕竟我们连门把手都够不到，

let alone turn on a tap. 表達脈絡

更别提拧开水龙头了。

We need to have our own front door key and bank account

我们需要拥有自己的大门钥匙和银行账户，

before cynicism is a realistic option.

愤世嫉俗才可能成为现实的选择。

It is far more intuitive to wonder why we are horrid 語法

怀疑为什么自己这么讨人厌，要直觉得多，

than to complain of being unfairly and unkindly treated.

而不是去抱怨受到了不公平和不友善的对待。

Small children,

小孩

therefore,

因此

naturally turn injury done to them 語法

自然会把受到的伤害

into dislike of themselves.

转化为对自己的厌恶。

They ask not so much, 語法

他们不怎么问：

"Why does my parent fail to care for me?"

“为什么我的父母没有好好照顾我？”

as "How might I have failed this admirable person?"

而是问：“我是不是辜负了这个令人钦佩的人？”

They hate themselves

他们恨自己，

rather than doubt those who should be protecting them.

而不是去怀疑那些本该保护他们的人。

Shame replaces anger.

羞耻取代了愤怒。

It feels,

它感觉起来，

on balance, 表達脈絡

总体而言，

like the safer option.

像是更安全的选择。

A vicious spiral of self-hatred 習語

一个自我厌恶的恶性循环

then sets in. 短語動詞

随之开始。

The unloved growing child

缺爱成长中的孩子

wonders constantly about their faults.

不断怀疑自己的缺点。

Their parent may be alcoholic,

他们的父母可能酗酒、

narcissistic,

自恋、

sadistic or depressed.

施虐或者抑郁。

They may never cook a proper meal

他们可能从来没有做过一顿像样的饭，

or shout intemperately from their bedroom.

或者在卧室里无节制地大吼大叫。

But none of that matters in the slightest. 語法

但这一切都丝毫不要紧。

The parent cannot be envisaged 語法

父母的形象

as anything other than substantially impressive.

只能被想象为非常了不起。

To explain the lack of love

为了解释为何得不到爱，

from the paragons of parenthood, 用詞

得不到这些模范父母的爱，

it must be that the child is an awful person. 語法

肯定是因为孩子是个糟糕的人。

They must be stupid and mean,

他们一定是愚蠢又刻薄，

selfish and slow,

自私又迟钝，

physically repulsive,

外表令人反感，

and irritating and shallow.

而且烦人又浅薄。

As childhood gets left behind, 短語動詞

随着童年被抛在脑后，

much of this dynamic is forgotten.

这种动态大部分都被遗忘了。

The adolescent and young adult

青少年和年轻的成年人

overlooks exactly what went on.

忽略了到底发生了什么。

They cannot necessarily think clearly of the early years

他们不一定能清楚地回想起早年，

and parental figures may be keen that they never do so.

而父母角色可能也希望他们永远不要去回想。

The former child can't tell anymore 用詞

曾经的孩子已经说不清

that their feeling of shame

他们那种羞耻感

has specific origins.

是否有着具体的根源。

It can feel like something they might have been born with,

它可能感觉像是与生俱来的东西，

a natural phenomenon,

是一种自然现象，

like bad weather or the flu.

就像坏天气或流感。

Liberation awaits us when we dare to take on board 短語動詞

当我们敢于接受

a highly implausible idea,

一个极度不可思议的想法时，解放就在等待着我们：

that our self-hatred,

我们的自我厌恶，

far from being inevitable, 語法

绝非不可避免，

is an internalization of early deprivation

而是早期匮乏的内化；

and that far from needing to revere and admire

而且我们绝不需要去敬畏和崇拜

those who denied us love,

那些拒绝给予我们爱的人，

we are in a position to understand,

我们完全有立场去理解、

to question,

去质疑、

to be annoyed

去生气、

and to mourn what we did not receive.

并哀悼我们未曾得到的爱。

We are not so despicable after all.

我们终究没有那么卑劣。

We've just,

我们只是，

till now,

迄今为止，

lacked any better ideas to explain

缺乏任何更好的想法来解释

why we didn't manage to charm

为什么我们没能吸引

those who should have loved us from the start. 語法

那些本该从一开始就爱我们的人。

How to overcome your childhood

《如何超越你的童年》

is a book that teaches us how character is developed,

是一本教导我们性格是如何发展的书，

the concept of emotional inheritance,

探讨了情感继承的概念、

the formation of our concepts of being good or bad,

探讨了好与坏概念的形成，

and the impact of parental styles of love

以及父母的爱的方式

on the way we choose adult partners.

对我们选择成年伴侣方式的影响。