遇到喜欢的人，我们需要故作矜持吗？：英语精读讲义

One of the paradoxes of the dating game 習語

约会游戏的一个矛盾之处在于，

is that we know that

我们深知，

by coming across as enthusiastic at an early stage, 短語動詞

如果在早期阶段表现得过于热情，

if we bring them the next day,

如果我们第二天就给对方打电话，

if we're open about how attractive we find them,

如果我们坦言觉得对方有多迷人，

if we suggest meeting them again very soon,

如果我们提议尽快再次见面，

we are putting ourselves at a high risk 短語搭配

我们就是在冒着极大的风险，

of disgusting the very person 用詞

可能会引起那个

we would so like to build a relationship with.

我们非常想建立关系的对象的反感。

It is in order to counter this risk

正是为了规避这种风险，

that early on in our dating lives,

在我们早期的约会经历中，

we are taught by well-meaning friends

善意的朋友们教导我们

to adopt a facade of cool and indifference. 習語

要伪装出一副冷酷和满不在乎的样子。

We become experts at deliberately not phoning

我们变成了专家，故意不打电话，

or sending messages,

或者不发信息，

or treating our dates in a carefully off-hand manner, 用詞

或者用精心设计的漫不经心来对待约会对象，

and in subtly pretending we don't much care

并微妙地假装我们并不怎么在乎

if we never cross their paths again. 習語

以后是否还能与他们产生交集。

We are told that the only way to get them 語法

我们被告知，想让他们

to care about us

在乎我们，

is to pretend not to care for them.

唯一的办法就是假装不在乎他们。

And in the process, 表達脈絡

在这个过程中，

we waste a lot of time.

我们浪费了大量的时间。

We may lose them altogether,

我们可能会彻底失去他们，

and we have to suffer the indignity 短語搭配

并且我们还要承受一种屈辱感去

of denying that we feel a desire

否认我们内心的渴望，

that should never have been associated with shame 語法

而这种渴望原本就不该

in the first place. 短語搭配

与羞耻扯上关系。

But we can find a way out of the conundrum 短語搭配

但我们可以找到摆脱这一困境的出路，

by drilling deeper into the philosophy 習語

只要更深入地剖析

that underpins the well-flagged danger

支撑“过度热情很危险”这一已知论点的

of being overly eager.

背后哲学。

Why is detachment so often recommended?

为什么人们常常建议保持距离？

Why are we not meant to call too soon? 語法

为什么我们不应该太早打电话？

High levels of enthusiasm

高度热情

are generally not recommended for one central reason,

通常不被推荐，有一个核心原因，

because they have been equated 短語搭配

因为它常常被等同于

with what is a true psychological problem,

一种真正的心理问题——

manic dependence.

狂热依赖症。

In other words, 表達脈絡

换句话说，

calling too soon has become a symbol

过早打电话已经成为

of weakness, desperation,

软弱、绝望的象征，

and the inability to deal adequately

并且意味着你无法妥善应对

with life's challenges

生活中的挑战，

without the constant support of a lover

除非有爱人的持续支持，

whose real identity the manically keen party

而这种狂热的一方对这位爱人的真实身份

doesn't much care about,

并不怎么关心，

because their underlying priority

因为他们根本的首要任务

is to ensure that they're never alone

是确保自己永远不孤独，

without someone

只要有人陪着就行，

rather than with any one being in particular.

而不是特定要和某个人在一起。

But we should note that what is ultimately the problem 語法

但我们应当注意，归根结底，问题在于

is manic dependence,

狂热的依赖，

not high enthusiasm.

而不是高度热情。

The difficulty is that our cultural narratives

困难在于，我们的文化语境

have unfairly glued these two elements together 習語

不公平地将这两个元素粘在了一起，

with an unnecessarily strong

并且使用的是一种毫无必要的强烈

and unbudging kind of adhesive.

且死板的黏合剂。

Yet there should logically be an option

然而，从逻辑上讲，应该有一种办法

to disentangle the two strands,

可以解开这两种纠缠，

that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm

那就是能够展现出高度的热情，

and at the same time

同时

not thereby to imply manic dependence.

并不由此意味着狂热的依赖。

There should be an option to appear

应该有一种选择，能让人看起来

at once very keen 語法

既非常渴望，

and very sane.

又十分理智。

The ability to do so depends

做到这一点的能力，取决于

on a little-known emotional art

一门鲜为人知的情感艺术，

to which we seldom have recourse 短語搭配

我们极少会用到

or introduction.

或接触过它。

We call it strong vulnerability. 用詞

我们称之为“强大的脆弱”。

The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat 習語

拥有“强大脆弱”的人是情绪的

of the emotions who manages carefully

外交官，他们能小心翼翼地

to unite,

将以下两者结合起来：

on the one hand, 表達脈絡

一方面是

self-confidence and independence

自信与独立，

and on the other,

另一方面是

a capacity for closeness,

建立亲密关系、

self-revelation, and honesty.

吐露心声与诚实的能力。

It is a balancing act. 習語

这是一个平衡的艺术。

The strongly vulnerable know how to confess

“强大脆弱”的人懂得如何

with authority to a sense of feeling small.

充满底气地坦承自己的渺小感。

They can sound in control

他们听起来很有把控力，

even while revealing

即便在表露

that they have an impression of being lost.

自己感到迷茫时。

They can talk as adults

他们可以像成年人一样

about their childlike dimensions.

谈论自己孩子气的一面。

They can be unfrightening

他们可以显得温和无害，

at the same time

同时

as admitting to their own fears.

坦承自己的恐惧。

And they can tell us of their immense desire

他们可以告诉我们，他们对我们充满无尽的渴望，

for us while simultaneously leaving us under the impression 短語搭配

并且同时给我们留下这样的印象：

that they could fully survive

哪怕遭到直白的拒绝，

a frank rejection.

他们也能泰然处之。

They would love to build a life with us,

他们暗示道，

they imply,

他们非常乐意和我们共度余生，

but they could very quickly

但如果从我们的角度来看

and adroitly find something else to do

觉得这事儿没什么意思，

if that didn't sound much like fun 語氣意圖

他们也能迅速

from our side.

并且巧妙地找到别的事情去做。

In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak

从拥有“强大脆弱”的人表达

of their desire for us,

对我们渴望的方式中，

we sense a beguiling mixture

我们能感受到一种迷人的特质，

of candor and independence.

它融合了坦诚与独立。

They don't need to play it cool 習語

他们不需要故作冷酷，

because they carry off high enthusiasm 短語動詞

因为他们展现出了高度的热情，

in a way which sidesteps the dangers

却巧妙地避开了

that playing cool has traditionally

故作冷酷传统上所必然联系的

and nefariously been associated with.

那些糟糕危险。

What is off-putting is never, 講解

事实上，令人反感的

in fact, that someone likes us.

永远不是有人喜欢我们。

What is frightening is that they seem in danger 短語搭配

真正让人害怕的是，他们似乎陷入了一种

of having no options other than us, 語法

除了我们就别无选择、

of not being able to survive without us.

没有我们就不活下去的危险境地。

Manic dependence, not enthusiasm, 表達脈絡

狂热的依赖，而不是热情，

is only ever the problem.

才永远是真正的问题。

With this distinction in mind, 表達脈絡

明确了这一区别后，

we should learn to tell those we like

我们应该学着去告诉自己喜欢的人，

that we're really extremely keen to see them again,

我们真的非常渴望再见到他们，

perhaps as early as tomorrow night,

也许最快明晚就想见，

and find them exceptionally marvelous,

并且觉得他们特别迷人；

while simultaneously leaving them in no doubt 短語搭配

同时，要确凿无疑地给他们留下这样的印象：

that we could, if the answer were a no, 語法

如果答案是否定的，

without trouble and at high speed,

我们也能毫无困扰地、迅速地，

find some equally enchanting people

找到同样充满魅力的人

to play with and be bewitched by.

去共度时光，并为之倾倒。

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如果你喜欢我们的影片，

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请订阅我们的频道，

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并点击小铃铛图标，

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开启通知。

To learn more about love,

如果想了解更多关于爱的内容，

try our book on How to Find Love,

欢迎阅读我们的著作《如何寻找真爱》，

which explains why we have the types we do

书里解释了为什么我们会喜欢特定类型的人，

and how our early experiences

以及我们早年的经历

shape how and whom we love.

是如何塑造我们的爱与所爱之人的。