如何应对回避型伴侣：英语精读讲义

There are for many of us

对我们许多人来说，

few people as attractive as the avoidant, 語法

很少有人能像回避型人格那样迷人，

the sort that are permanently a little mysterious,

他们总是带有几分神秘感，

who don't speak so much,

话不太多，

around whom one never quite knows where one is, 習語

和他们在一起，你永远摸不清自己的位置，

in whose eyes there is a far away look

他们的眼神中常有一种遥远的迷离，

and perhaps a certain melancholy too,

也许还带着几分忧郁，

in whose hearts we intuit a sadness

我们能在他们心里直觉到一种悲伤，

we long to but never quite can touch. 語法

我们渴望触碰却永远无法真正企及。

People who seem to promise us intimacy and connection

这样的人似乎向我们承诺了亲密与连接，

and yet who remain,

然而他们却始终，

however long we've been with them, 語法

无论我们和他们在一起多久，

mesmerizingly unreassuring. 用詞

都让人感到一种迷幻般的不安。

Unsurprisingly,

毫不意外地，

it's not so easy to be the lover of an avoidant person.

成为回避型人的爱人并不容易。

The tendency very often,

我们常常有一种倾向，

after the heady early days,

在经历了令人陶醉的热恋初期之后，

is to give in to the insecurities 短語動詞

就会屈服于不安全感，

they end up provoking in us. 短語動詞

这种感觉正是他们最终在我们心中引发的。

Do they really care?

他们真的在乎吗？

Do they love us back?

他们也爱我们吗？

Why are they never the ones to call?

为什么他们从来不主动打电话？

Beset by such questions, 短語搭配

被这些问题困扰，

we may get cross, tearful, or stern.

我们可能会变得愤怒、流泪或严厉。

We may accuse them of neglect and selfishness, 短語搭配

我们可能会指责他们疏忽和自私，

of betrayal or egocentricity.

指责他们背叛或以自我为中心。

These sort of inquisitions can be counted on to fail. 短語動詞

这类盘问注定会以失败告终。

At the first signs of critique,

一旦出现批评的苗头，

avoidant people pull up the drawbridge. 習語

回避型的人就会拉起心中的吊桥。

They are experts at fleeing the messy consequences

他们是逃避麻烦后果的专家，

of other people's desire for them.

这些麻烦往往源于别人对他们的渴望。

They go off to play sport,

他们跑去打球，

abscond on a long journey, 用詞

溜去长途旅行，

or discover new responsibilities at the office.

或者在办公室里接手新的职责。

One is left hammering in vain at the gates of their personal citadel. 習語

留下我们徒劳地敲打着他们个人堡垒的大门。

On a bad day,

在心情不好的时候，

they may also get furious back.

他们可能还会暴怒地反击。

They will deny that we have any kind of point at all. 短語搭配

他们会否认我们说的话有任何道理。

They aren't trying to deceive us,

他们并不是在试图欺骗我们，

they genuinely can't see the issue.

而是真的看不到问题所在。

They aren't,

他们不是——

they assure us with mounting vehemence, 語氣意圖

他们会带着越来越强烈的怨气向我们保证——

distant and cold,

遥远又冷酷，

they're simply busy

他们只是很忙，

and not into certain kinds of sentimentality. 用詞

而且不喜欢某些多愁善感的矫情。

It is we, 語法

真正有问题的是我们，

needy, weak, hysterical and over demanding,

我们粘人、软弱、歇斯底里、要求过高，

as they put it,

就像他们说的那样，

who are the problem.

我们才是问题的根源。

We almost agree.

我们几乎都要同意了。

To survive,

为了生存下去，

we should hold on to the idea 短語動詞

我们必须坚持这样一个信念：

that despite their robust outward manner,

尽管他们外表看起来很强悍，

the avoidant are, above all else, 短語搭配

但回避型的人首先是

scared.

充满恐惧的。

Their frostiness is the result of fear rather than indifference. 語法

他们的冰冷源于恐惧，而非冷漠。

And what they are afraid of is to let down their guard 習語

他们害怕的是放下防备，

and then meet with betrayal and abandonment.

然后遭遇背叛和抛弃。

Their outward strength masks a gelatinous interior. 習語

他们强悍的外表掩盖着脆弱柔软的内心。

There will inevitably be a rather touching backstory to their advanced subterranean fears.

在他们深藏的心底恐惧背后，必然有一个令人动容的过往。

These avoidant types were,

这些回避型的人，

way back,

在很久以前，

most likely let down very badly 短語動詞

很可能被他们极度依赖的人

by someone they depended on a lot

狠狠地辜负过，

when they were defenseless.

当时他们还毫无防备能力。

In response to a grave childhood disappointment,

为了应对童年时期的一次严重失望，

they grew an extra thick skin 習語

他们长出了格外厚的脸皮，

and plated themselves with armor.

并为自己披上了铠甲。

They vowed, 語法

他们发誓，

in a way they may not now even recognize,

以一种他们现在甚至可能意识不到的方式，

never to trust anyone fully again.

永远不再完全信任任何人。

So,

所以，

they are distant and prone to put up barriers, 短語搭配

他们保持距离，倾向于筑起心墙，

not because they don't care, 語法

不是因为他们不在乎，

but because being cared for with kindness

而是因为被善意地关怀

generates unfamiliar and daunting feelings for them.

会让他们产生一种陌生而可怕的感觉。

They skillfully undermine their chances of being close 短語搭配

他们巧妙地破坏了自己获得亲密的机会，

because they have no experience of reliable love

因为他们没有过可靠的爱的经验，

and are drawn to try to spoil it 短語搭配

并且不由自主地试图搞砸它，

to prove to themselves that it can't be real

以向自己证明那不可能是真的，

and that they haven't, therefore,

从而证明他们并没有，

missed out on quite so much. 短語動詞

错失太多东西。

We should avoid getting stuck in cycles of claim and counter-claim 習語

我们应该避免陷入那种声明与反声明的循环之中：

that they might be too cold

我们觉得他们太冷漠，

and that we might be too hot.

他们觉得我们太热情。

Far better to address the fears 語法

更好的做法是去解决

circulating beneath the surface. 習語

那些在表面之下涌动的恐惧。

Rather than provoking their panic or denial, 語法

我们应该尽可能地

we should, as best we can, 習語

让亲密变得安全，

make closeness feel safe. 語法

而不是引发他们的恐慌或否认。

We should remember that we're dealing with someone

我们应该记住，我们面对的是一个

who finds vulnerability frightening

觉得脆弱很可怕的人，

and therefore not meet their impulse to flee with punitiveness. 短語搭配

因此不要用惩罚来应对他们逃避的冲动。

But, more crucially,

但是，更关键的是，

we might along the way start to ask ourselves a few key questions. 習語

在这个过程中我们也许该开始问自己几个关键问题。

How similar are we to them

在表面差异之下，

beneath the apparent differences?

我们和他们到底有多相似？

It's easy to claim that one has an uncomplicated desire to be close

很容易声称自己有着对亲密关系纯粹的渴望，

so long as one isn't put to the test 講解

只要自己没有真正经受考验，

because one has carefully picked out a person who has problems being close. 短語動詞

因为自己已经精心挑选了一个在亲密关系上有障碍的人。

Yet, in truth,

然而，说实话，

how simple is closeness for us, really?

亲密对我们来说真的那么简单吗？

Might we not be as scared as they are, 語氣意圖

我们会不会和他们一样害怕，

but simply have passed our share of the problem on to them to hold? 短語動詞

只是把我们那份问题推给了他们去承受？

Shouldn't we be suspicious of the way that we managed reject other warmer candidates

难道我们不该怀疑自己是如何拒绝了其他更热情的人选，

in favor of this distant figure? 短語搭配

而偏偏选择这个冷淡的身影吗？

Is it really an accident that we are with them,

我们和他们在一起真的是偶然吗，

or isn't it in some way satisfying to us as well,

还是说在某种程度上这也满足了我们自己，

allowing us to claim that we want intimacy

让我们能够宣称自己渴望亲密，

without having to bear any of its costs? 語法

却不必承担任何代价？

Through such pointed questions,

通过这些尖锐的问题，

we stand to realize that most probably 短語搭配

我们有可能会意识到，极有可能

the fear of closeness exists on both sides.

双方都存在对亲密关系的恐惧。

It's just that they are directly distant

只是他们直接表现为疏远，

and we are so by proxy. 用詞

而我们是通过代理人间接疏远。

We can break away from caricatures and, 短語動詞

我们可以打破脸谱化的刻板印象，并且，

as a couple,

作为伴侣，

own up to our mutual terrors of dependence. 短語動詞

坦诚我们对依赖的共同恐惧。

We can start to sympathize with one another's techniques

我们可以开始同情彼此的手段，

for warding off anxiety 短語動詞

那些用来抵御焦虑的手段，

and help each other to accept the common risks of love. 短語搭配

并互相帮助接受爱的共同风险。

That will be the beginning of true closeness and bravery on both sides.

这将是双方获得真正亲密与勇敢的开始。

Did you know we also have an app to help you meet people with whom you can have deeper,

你知道吗，我们还有一款应用可以帮您遇到那些能建立更深、

more meaningful connections?

更具意义连接的人？

Follow the link on your screen now to download it.

现在就点击屏幕上的链接下载吧。