你的依附類型是什麼？：英語精讀講義

One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology 文法

20世紀心理學史上最偉大的問卷之一，

had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper, 片語搭配

悄然誕生於科羅拉多州一份地方報紙的版面上，

the Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.

那是1985年7月的《洛磯山新聞》。

The work of two University of Denver psychologists,

這是兩名丹佛大學心理學家的作品，

Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver,

辛迪·哈贊和菲利普·謝弗，

the questionnaire asked readers to identify

這份問卷要求讀者選出

which of three statements most closely reflected

以下三句話中哪一句最能反映

who they were in love. 文法

他們在戀愛中的狀態。

To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships, 片語搭配

為了極大地提升我們在感情中獲得幸福的機率，

we should dare to take the same test.

我們也應該敢於做一下同樣的測試。

Option A:

選項A：

I find it relatively easy to get close to others 文法

我覺得與他人親近相對容易，

and I'm comfortable depending on them

我很樂意依賴他們，

and having them depend on me. 文法

也樂於讓他們依賴我。

I don't worry about being abandoned

我不擔心被拋棄，

or about someone getting too close to me.

也不擔心別人與我太過親近。

Option B:

選項B：

I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. 文法

我覺得別人不太願意像我期望的那樣親近我。

I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me

我經常擔心我的伴侶不是真的愛我，

or won't want to stay with me.

或者不想和我在一起。

I want to get very close to my partner

我想和我的伴侶非常親近，

and this sometimes scares people away. 片語動詞

而這有時會把人嚇跑。

Option C:

選項C：

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others.

我對與他人親近感到有些不舒服。

I find it difficult to trust them completely,

我發現很難完全信任他們，

difficult to allow myself to depend on them. 文法

也很難讓自己依賴他們。

I'm nervous when anyone gets too close

當有人靠得太近時我會感到緊張，

and often others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. 文法

別人常常希望我比我感覺舒服的程度更親密。

Which of these options applies to you?

這些選項中哪一個符合你？

A, B or C?

A，B，還是C？

Behind the scenes, 慣用語

在這些選項背後，

the options refer to the three main styles of relating to other people

它們其實指的是人們與他人建立聯繫的三種主要風格，

first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby,

最早由英國心理學家約翰·鮑比提出，

the inventor of attachment theory in the 1950s and 60s.

他在20世紀50年代和60年代創立了依戀理論。

Option A signals what is known as a secure pattern of attachment, 文法

選項A代表的是所謂的「安全型依戀」，

whereby love and trust come easily. 用詞

這種類型的人很容易產生愛和信任。

Option B refers to what's known as the anxious pattern of attachment,

選項B代表的是所謂的「焦慮型依戀」，

where one longs to be intimate with others

這種類型的人渴望與他人親密，

but is continuously scared of letdown 用詞

但又總是害怕失望，

and often precipitates crises in relationships 用詞

且往往會導致關係中的危機，

through counterproductively aggressive behavior.

因為他們會採取適得其反的攻擊性行為。

Option C is what is known as the avoidant pattern of attachment,

選項C代表的是所謂的「逃避型依戀」，

where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy

這種類型的人覺得透過獨處和情感抽離

through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal. 用詞

來避免親密關係的危險要容易得多。

Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use, 片語搭配

報紙上的問卷很少有太大用處，

but Hazan and Shaver's is the momentous exception. 表達脈絡

但哈贊和謝弗的問卷是個極其重要的例外。

If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships, 文法

如果我們必須做一件事來改善我們的關係，

it is to know ahead of time 片語搭配

那就是提前了解

which of the three categories we predominantly belong to,

我們主要屬於這三個類別中的哪一個，

A, B or C,

A，B，還是C，

and to deploy the knowledge in love 用詞

並將這些知識運用到愛情中，

so as to warn ourselves and others 文法

以便警告自己和他人

of the traps we might fall into. 慣用語

我們可能會掉入哪些陷阱。

We then need a little training

然後我們需要一點點訓練，

because half of us at least are not secure in love.

因為我們中至少有一半人在愛情中沒有安全感。

We belong in the camps of either the avoidant or the anxious,

我們屬於逃避型或焦慮型陣營，

and we have, to complicate matters, 表達脈絡

讓事情更複雜的是，我們還會有

an above-average propensity to fall in love 片語搭配

高於平均水平的傾向，去愛上

with someone from the other damaged side,

屬於另一種受損類型的某個人，

thereby aggravating our insecurities and defenses in the process. 文法

從而在這個過程中加劇我們的不安全感和防禦心理。

Here is a brief list of what avoidance and anxious types

下面簡要列出了逃避型和焦慮型的人

should keep in mind in their relationships.

在戀愛中應該記住的事項。

If you are an avoidant with someone anxiously attached, well,

如果你是一個擁有焦慮型伴侶的逃避型人，那麼，

recognize the extent to which you check out emotionally 講解

認清你在情感上抽離的程度，

when things are intense,

當事情變得緊張時，

particularly when there is an offer of closeness.

特別是當對方提出想要親近時。

Recognize how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers

認識到你為什麼更傾向於和陌生人發生關係和親近，

and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.

以及你對擁抱和親吻會有多緊張。

You probably don't want to keep the light on either.

你可能也不想開著燈。

Watch how you sabotage long-term intimacy. 用詞

注意你是如何破壞長期的親密關係的。

Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.

懷抱同情心去理解，你其實是在害怕自己真正想要的東西。

Think back to how in your past 片語動詞

回想一下你的過去，

closeness would have been frightening

親密感曾經是令人恐懼的，

because people let you down 片語動詞

因為別人讓你失望過，

and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. 片語搭配

並觀察你是如何採取了抽離的策略來保護自己的。

You are hurt, not bad. 表達脈絡

你只是受了傷，並不是壞人。

Remind yourself that the present is different from the past

提醒自己，現在和過去不同了，

and that you are ruining the present

而你正在破壞現在，

by bringing to it fear-laden dynamics that don't actually belong there. 用詞

因為你把本來不屬於現在的恐懼感帶入了其中。

It may feel like your partner is being aggressive

你可能覺得你的伴侶很有攻擊性，

and ill-tempered with you for no reason.

而且無緣無故地對你發脾氣。

They are, at heart, upset 慣用語

他們其實在心底是很難過的，

and unable to express their needs in any other way. They want you

並且無法用其他方式表達他們的需求。他們想要你，

and that's why they are behaving as they are.

這就是為什麼他們會這樣表現。

Look beneath their nagging and their accusations 慣用語

審視他們的嘮叨和指責的背後，

and believe in their underlying goodwill.

並相信他們內心深處的善意。

When they attack you,

當他們攻擊你時，

see their longing for love.

看到他們對愛的渴望。

Do that very frightening thing,

去做那件非常令人害怕的事吧，

extend reassurance and explain calmly the appeal of the cave. 慣用語

給予他們安撫，並平靜地解釋你為什麼想要獨處。

If you are an anxious person with an avoidant partner,

如果你是一個擁有逃避型伴侶的焦慮型人，

here are some other things to bear in mind. 片語搭配

這裡有一些其他需要記住的事情。

Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem. 文法

事情不一定像看起來那麼糟。

The other person's quiet might just be quiet, 表達脈絡

對方的安靜可能只是安靜而已，

not a lack of love.

並不是不愛。

Their distance isn't necessarily meanness.

他們的疏遠不一定是惡意。

It might be their way of maintaining equilibrium. 用詞

那可能是他們維持平衡的方式。

On the other hand, you are not demented or needy to want more, 講解

另一方面，想要更多並不是你瘋了或太黏人，

but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need

但你處理合理需求的方式

may be aggravating things hugely. 用詞

可能會讓事情變得非常糟糕。

You might be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy 用詞

你可能會因為要求親密

too directly and also probably with too much anger.

太過直接，可能還帶有太多憤怒，而激惹到你的伴侶。

Realize that you need to tread lightly 慣用語

意識到你需要小心行事，

and to be a little distant in requesting closeness.

在要求親密時要保持一點距離。

Your partner isn't mean or freakish,

你的伴侶不是刻薄或怪異，

merely damaged as a you,

只是和你一樣受了傷，

and that's very normal.

而這很正常。

A full 40% of the population are in your positions,

整整40%的人都處在你們的位置上，

either insecurely attached or anxiously attached.

要嘛是缺乏安全感的依戀，要嘛是焦慮型依戀。

Knowing whether we can be classed as secure, avoidant or anxious in love 文法

了解自己在愛情中屬於安全型、逃避型還是焦慮型，

should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.

應該是我們需要掌握的關於自己的基本事實。

The next step is to accept with grace 片語搭配

下一步是坦然接受：

that if we are either avoidant or anxious,

如果我們是逃避型或焦慮型，

we're going to need considerable emotional schooling 慣用語

我們將需要大量的情感訓練，

to get out of scratchy patterns 慣用語

才能擺脫那種充滿摩擦的相處模式，

and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship. 片語搭配

並有機會建立起足夠好的戀愛關係。

Our Relationships Book calmly guides us

我們的《關係之書》平靜地引導我們，

with calm and charm

帶著從容與魅力，

through the key issues of relationships

走過戀愛關係中的關鍵問題，

to ensure that success in love

以確保在愛情中獲得成功

need not be a matter of good luck.

不必全憑好運氣。

For more, click the link now.

欲了解更多，請立即點擊連結。