如何停止討好別人：英語精讀講義

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Being someone who pleases people sounds on the face of it like a very good idea. 片語搭配

做一個討好別人的人，表面上聽起來是個很好的主意。

But it's a pattern of behavior riddled with problems, 慣用語

但這是一種問題重重的行為模式，

as much for the perpetrator as for their audience. 文法

對當事人及其周圍的人來說都是如此。

The people-pleaser is someone who might at times be oneself,

討好者有時可能就是我們自己，

who feels they have no option but to mold themselves to the expectations of others and yet harbors all manner of secret and at points dangerous reservations and resentments. 講解

他們覺得自己別無選擇，只能迎合他人的期望，但內心卻隱藏著各種秘密的、有時甚至是危險的保留和怨恨。

They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much darker. 表達脈絡

他們表現得像個完美的戀人，真實的感受卻要陰暗得多。

They give their assent to plans they hate 片語搭配

他們對討厭的計畫點頭同意，

and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express in due time with the requisite courage their authentic needs and ambitions. 片語搭配

因為沒有及時、有勇氣地表達出真實的需求與抱負，讓他們周圍的所有人感到困惑。

Putting it bluntly, 語氣意圖

坦白地說，

we could say that the people-pleaser is a liar.

我們可以說討好者就是個騙子。

It sounds brutal,

這聽起來很殘酷，

but the people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons, 用詞

但討好者說謊有著令人心酸的原因，

not in order to gain advantage, 文法

不是為了佔便宜，

but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.

而是因為他們非常害怕引起別人的不悅。

To understand and potentially sympathize with the people-pleaser,

要理解甚至同情討好者，

we need to look at their past,

我們需要看看他們的過去，

which almost invariably involves an early experience of being around people,

這幾乎無一例外地涉及到早年與人相處的經歷，

usually a mother or father,

通常是母親或父親，

who seemed to be radically and terrifyingly incapable of accepting and forgiving certain necessary but perhaps tricky facts about their child. 文法

他們似乎極其、甚至可怕地無法接受和寬容孩子身上某些必然卻又可能有些棘手的事實。

Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement, 慣用語

也許父親一遇到任何分歧就會勃然大怒，

to present an opposing political idea, 表達脈絡

無論是提出相反的政治觀點，

to suggest we wanted something different to eat,

還是表示想吃點別的東西，

to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety, 片語搭配

或者是坦白我們的疲憊或焦慮，

all these could threaten us with annihilation.

所有這些都可能讓我們面臨被徹底否定的威脅。

To survive, 表達脈絡

為了生存，

we needed to be acutely responsive to what others expected us to do and say. 講解

我們必須對別人的期望做出敏銳的反應。

The very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority, 表達脈絡

至於我們自己真正想要什麼，已經退居其次，讓位給了一個無比重要的當務之急，

manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom at that time our lives depended. 講解

那就是瘋狂地揣測那些在當時主宰我們生命的人的心思。

We didn't always lie out of fear. 表達脈絡

我們並不總是因為害怕而說謊。

It was also often out of love for someone we were profoundly attached to, 片語搭配

很多時候也是出於對我們深深依戀的人的愛，

but who was vulnerable in some way.

但他們在某些方面很脆弱。

We lied out of a longing not to set off another marital row, 講解

我們說謊是因為渴望不要引發另一場婚姻爭吵，

a desire to keep a depressive parent in a good mood 片語搭配

渴望讓抑鬱的父母保持好心情，

and to avoid adding a further burden to what seemed like an already very difficult or sad life.

也是為了避免給原本就已經非常艱難或悲傷的生活增加負擔。

Who were we to make things even more complicated for a fragile person we cared for? 語氣意圖

我們算老幾，憑什麼讓我們在乎的脆弱之人把事情變得更加複雜？

However understandable the origins of our behavior, 文法

儘管我們行為的起源是可以理解的，

in the more reflexive moments of adulthood,

但在成年後較多反思的時刻，

we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing. 慣用語

我們也許能找到三條走出這些艱難討好模式的途徑。

The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues,

首先，我們要提醒自己，我們的同事、

partners,

伴侶、

and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood. 文法

和朋友幾乎可以肯定，與我們在童年時期產生焦慮的那些人完全不同。

Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, 片語搭配

大多數人都能很好地應對一點矛盾、

a dose of unwelcome information,

一些不受歡迎的資訊，

or an occasional rejection delivered with requisite politeness. 片語搭配

或者是帶著必要禮貌的偶爾拒絕。

The other is not going to explode or dissolve. 慣用語

對方不會因此大發雷霆或崩潰。

We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole. 片語搭配

我們在面對一群根本不能代表整個人類的人時，養成了一種非常特殊的與世界相處的習慣。

Secondly,

其次，

we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side effects of our behavior. 用詞

我們需要承認我們的行為在無意中帶來的有害副作用。

We may genuinely have good intentions, 表達脈絡

我們的初衷可能是好的，

but we are endangering everyone by not speaking more frankly.

但如果不坦誠相待，我們會讓所有人陷入危險。

At work,

在工作中，

we aren't doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations. 片語搭配

隱瞞疑慮和保留意見對任何人都沒有好處。

And in love,

而在愛情中，

there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us. 文法

僅僅因為對方似乎沒有我們就活不下去而維持一段關係，這根本不是什麼善意。

They will, 文法

他們能活下去，

but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality. 文法

但我們會因為自己的感情用事而浪費他們大量的時間。

Finally,

最後，

we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult messages we have to impart. 講解

我們能夠獲得自信，巧妙地傳達那些艱難的訊息。

As a child,

在孩童時期，

we couldn't nuance the messages we wanted to send out. 用詞

我們無法對想要傳達的訊息進行細微的調整。

We didn't know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations. 慣用語

我們不知道如何將原始的痛苦和需求變成令人信服的解釋。

But now,

但現在，

it's open to us to be firm in our views, 講解

我們可以堅定自己的觀點，

but extremely genial as well.

同時又非常和藹可親。

We can say no while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill. 語氣意圖

我們可以在拒絕的同時表達出十足的善意。

We can say someone is wrong without implying that they are an idiot. 語氣意圖

我們可以在說別人錯了的同時，不暗示他們是個白痴。

We can leave someone while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us. 語氣意圖

我們可以在離開某人時，確保他們明白這段關係對我們有多重要。

We can,

我們可以，

in other words, 表達脈絡

換句話說，

be pleasant without being people-pleasers. 文法

做到和藹可親而不是討好別人。

We partnered with Skillshare today as it is a fantastic starting point for anyone also looking to learn new skills

我們今天與 Skillshare 合作，因為對於任何想學習新技能的人來說，它都是一個極好的起點，

and they have given us an amazing offer to pass on to you.

而且他們給我們提供了一個驚人的優惠來轉送給你們。

The first 500 people to sign up using the link in the description will receive a 2-month free trial.

前 500 名使用資訊欄連結註冊的人，將獲得2個月的免費試用期。

If you haven't heard of Skillshare before,

如果你以前沒聽說過 Skillshare，

it's home to thousands of classes in graphic design,

它匯集了成千上萬門課程，包括平面設計、

animation,

動畫、

web development,

網頁開發、

music,

音樂、

photography,

攝影、

design,

設計、

and more.

等等。

You can start learning how to do just about anything.

你幾乎可以開始學習任何東西。

In 2 months,

在 2 個月內，

you could easily learn the skills you need to start a new hobby or business.

你可以輕鬆學會開啟一項新愛好或業務所需的技能。

Is there a project that you've been dreaming of completing,

是否有你一直夢想完成的專案，

but just aren't sure if you have the skills to do it?

卻不確定自己是否有能力去做？

Why not start right now and sign up to Skillshare using the link below.

為什麼不現在就開始，使用下面的連結註冊 Skillshare 呢。