為什麼我們會選擇難相處的伴侶：英語精讀講義

Theoretically,

理論上說，

we are free to select the kind of person we love. 文法

我們可以自由選擇我們愛的人。

We might have chosen someone else. 文法

我們本可以選擇別人。

We're not being forced into a relationship by social convention 片語搭配

我們並未被社會習俗

or matchmaking or dynastic imperatives.

或媒妁之言、家族使命強迫進入一段關係。

But in reality, 表達脈絡

但在現實中，

our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine. 文法

我們選擇愛人的自由度可能比想像中要小得多。

Some very real constraints around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to

在我們能愛誰、能對誰產生真正的吸引力這件事上，一些非常真實的限制

come from a place we might not think to look. 表達脈絡

來自一個我們可能想不到去看的角落。

Our childhoods.

我們的童年。

Our psychological history strongly predisposes us to fall for only certain types of people. 講解

我們的心理歷程強烈地預先決定了我們只會愛上特定類型的人。

We love along grooves formed in childhood. 慣用語

我們沿著童年形成的軌跡去愛。

We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love

我們在尋找那些能在很多方面重現我們小時候

we knew when we were small.

所體會到的愛的感覺的人。

The problem is that the love we imbibed in childhood 用詞

問題是，我們在童年時吸收的愛

was unlikely to have been made up simply of generosity, 片語動詞

不太可能僅僅由慷慨、

tenderness and kindness.

溫柔和善良組成。

Given the way the world is, 表達脈絡

鑑於這個世界的運作方式，

love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects. 講解

愛往往與某些痛苦的方面交織在一起。

A feeling of not being quite good enough,

一種覺得自己不夠好的感覺，

a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed,

對脆弱或抑鬱的父母的愛，

a sense that one could never be fully vulnerable around a caregiver.

或者覺得在照顧者面前永遠不能完全暴露脆弱的感覺。

This predisposes us to look in adulthood for partners

這使我們在成年後傾向於尋找這樣的伴侶：

who won't necessarily simply be kind to us,

他們不一定對我們有多好，

but who will,

但他們會，

most importantly,

最重要的是，

feel familiar, 用詞

感覺很熟悉，

which can be a subtly,

這可能是種微妙的，

but importantly,

但卻很關鍵的

different thing.

不同之處。

We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates

我們可能會被迫忽略一些潛在的對象，

because they don't satisfy a yearning for the complexities that we associate with love. 片語搭配

因為他們無法滿足我們對那些與愛相關聯的複雜情愫的渴望。

We may describe someone as not sexy or boring,

我們可能會形容某人不性感或很無聊，

when in truth we mean 表達脈絡

而實際上我們的意思是：

unlikely to make me suffer

他不太可能讓我遭受

in the way I need to suffer

我需要遭受的那種痛苦，

in order to feel that love is real.

好讓我覺得這份愛是真實的。

It's common to advise people who are drawn to tricky candidates 講解

人們通常會建議那些被複雜對象吸引的人

simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome.

乾脆離開他們，去找個更健康的人。

This is both theoretically appealing and often practically impossible. 表達脈絡

這在理論上很誘人，但在實踐中往往是不可能的。

We cannot magically redirect the wellsprings of attraction. 慣用語

我們無法像變魔術一樣改變吸引力的源泉。

Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people we're attracted to, 文法

與其試圖改變我們受吸引的人的類型，

it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave

倒不如單純調整我們應對和表現的方式可能會更明智，

around the occasionally difficult characters

尤其是在面對那些偶爾難相處的角色時，

whom our past mandates we will find compelling.

正是我們的過往注定了我們會覺得他們不可抗拒。

Our problems are often generated because we continue to respond

我們的問題往往是因為我們在面對

to compelling people

那些有吸引力的人時，

in the way that we learned to behave as children 文法

繼續以我們小時候學到的、

around their templates.

在他們原型面前表現出的行為方式來回應。

For instance,

例如，

maybe we had a rather irate parent who often raised their voice. 片語搭配

也許我們有一個相當易怒、經常提高嗓門的父母。

We loved them and reacted by feeling that when they were angry,

我們愛他們，而我們的反應是覺得當他們生氣時，

we must be guilty.

一定是我們的錯。

We got timid or humble.

我們變得膽怯或卑微。

Now,

現在，

if a partner to whom we are magnetically drawn gets cross, 講解

如果一個讓我們充滿磁性般吸引力的伴侶生氣了，

we respond as squashed, browbeaten children.

我們的反應就像被壓制、被恐嚇的孩子。

We sulk,

我們生悶氣，

we feel it's our fault,

我們覺得這是我們的錯，

we feel got at and yet deserving of criticism. 片語動詞

我們覺得自己被找碴了，但又覺得理應受到批評。

We build up a lot of resentment. 片語動詞

我們積累了很多怨恨。

Or perhaps we're drawn to someone with a short fuse, 慣用語

或者也許我們被一個脾氣暴躁的人吸引，

which makes us blow up in turn. 片語動詞

這反而讓我們也跟著爆發。

Or if we had a fragile, vulnerable parent who was easily hurt,

或者如果我們有一個脆弱、敏感、容易受傷的父母，

we readily end up with a partner who's also a bit weak 片語動詞

我們就很容易最終找到一個同樣有些軟弱、

and demands us to care for them. 文法

需要我們照顧的伴侶。

But then we get frustrated by their weakness.

但隨後我們又會對他們的軟弱感到沮喪。

We tiptoe around them, 慣用語

我們在他們周圍小心翼翼，

we try to encourage and reassure as we did when we were little,

我們像小時候那樣試圖鼓勵和安慰他們，

but we also condemn this person for being undeserving. 片語搭配

但我們同時也譴責這個人不值得。

We probably can't change our templates of attraction,

我們可能無法改變我們的吸引力模式，

but rather than seek to radically re-engineer our instincts, 慣用語

但與其尋求從根本上重塑我們的本能，

what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable candidates 文法

我們可以做的是嘗試學習如何對待理想的對象，

not as we did as children, 文法

不是像我們小時候那樣，

but in the more mature and constructive manner of a rational adult.

而是以一個理性成年人更成熟、更有建設性的方式去回應。

There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves 文法

我們有一個絕佳的機會去改變自己，

from a childlike to a more adult pattern of response

從幼稚的反應模式轉變為更成熟的反應模式，

in relation to the difficulties we're attracted to.

去應對那些吸引我們的難題。

Consider this table.

看這張表。

Column A,

A欄，

partner's tricky behavior.

伴侶的棘手行為。

Column B,

B欄，

the childlike response on our part. 片語搭配

我們身上孩子氣的反應。

And column C,

而C欄，

the more adult response we should aim for.

我們應該努力做出的更成熟的反應。

So,

所以，

raising our voice could lead to a sense that it's all my fault. 文法

提高嗓門可能會讓人覺得這都是我的錯。

But the more mature response would be,

但更成熟的反應應該是，

this is their issue.

這是他們的問題。

I don't have to feel bad.

我不必感到難過。

Or if the partner is rather patronizing, 用詞

或者如果伴侶表現得相當居高臨下，

the childlike response might be,

孩子氣的反應可能是，

I'm so stupid.

我太蠢了。

But the more adult response would be,

但更成熟的反應會是，

there are lots of kinds of intelligence and mine is fine.

聰明有很多種，我的智力沒問題。

And so on.

諸如此類。

Take a moment to look at the chart.

花點時間看看這張圖表。

We're almost certainly with somebody with a particularly knotty set of issues 慣用語

我們幾乎可以肯定，我們的伴侶有著一系列特別棘手的問題，

which trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves. 用詞

這些問題觸發了我們的慾望和我們孩子氣的防禦機制。

The answer isn't to end the relationship, 文法

答案不是結束這段關係，

but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges

而是努力應對他們帶來的不可抗拒的挑戰，

with some of the wisdom of which we weren't capable 文法

用我們當年第一次從父母或照顧者那裡遇到這些問題時

when we first encountered these in a parent or caregiver.

還不具備的智慧去處理。

It probably isn't in our remit to locate a wholly grown-up lover, 用詞

找到一個完全成熟的愛人可能不在我們的能力範圍內，

but it's always in our remit to behave in more grown-up ways

但以更成熟的方式去應對

around our lover's less mature sides.

愛人不夠成熟的一面，永遠是我們可以做到的。

We hope you enjoyed this film.

希望你喜歡這部影片。

For more from The School of Life,

想了解更多 The School of Life 的內容，

you can subscribe to our channel

你可以訂閱我們的頻道，

and take a look at our range of products on our website.

並去我們的網站看看我們的各類產品。