如何明智地選擇伴侶：英語精讀講義

How do we choose the people we fall in love with? 片語搭配

我們是如何選擇自己墜入愛河的對象呢？

In the modern world,

在現代社會，

under the ideology of romanticism, 用詞

在浪漫主義的意識形態下，

you're meant above all to trust your feelings. 文法

最重要的是，你應該相信自己的感覺。

Love is a mutual ecstasy

愛情是一種共同的狂喜，

at finding a beautiful person inside and out 慣用語

源於找到一個內外皆美的人，

with a rare capacity to make us happy.

擁有讓我們快樂的罕見能力。

The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.

浪漫的態度聽起來既溫暖又友善。

Its originator certainly imagined

它的創始者肯定想像過，

that it would bring to an end the sort of unhappy relationships 片語搭配

這將終結那種不幸的關係，

that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner,

那些由尋找伴侶的舊方式——

the arranged marriage. 文化背景

父母之命的婚姻所導致的不幸。

The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts 表達脈絡

唯一的問題是，這種呼籲我們相信直覺的做法

has very often proved to be a disaster of its own. 文法

往往本身就是一場災難。

Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people

尊重我們在夜總會或火車站、

in nightclubs or train stations,

派對或網站上，

parties, or on websites,

對某些人產生的特殊感覺，

and that romanticism so ably celebrated in art,

以及藝術中巧妙讚頌的浪漫主義，

appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions 文法

似乎並沒有讓我們在婚姻中感到更幸福，

than a medieval couple shackled into marriage 慣用語

沒有比一對中世紀被迫結婚的夫婦更幸福，

by two royal courts

他們被兩個王室

keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.

為了保住一片祖傳土地的主權而強行湊在一起。

Instinct has been little better than calculation 文法

在保證我們的愛情故事品質方面，

in underwriting the quality of our love stories. 用詞

直覺並不比精打細算好多少。

There's another school of thought, 慣用語

還有另一種思想流派，

this one influenced by psychotherapy,

這一種受心理治療的影響，

which challenges the notion 片語搭配

挑戰了這種觀念：

that trusting instinct invariably draws us

相信直覺總是會把我們引向

to those who will make us happy.

那些能讓我們快樂的人。

That's because the theory points out

那是因為該理論指出，

that we don't fall in love first and foremost 片語搭配

我們首先並非會愛上

with those who care for us in ideal ways.

那些以理想方式照顧我們的人。

We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways,

我們會愛上那些以熟悉方式照顧我們的人，

and there might be a big difference.

這兩者之間可能會有很大的不同。

Adult love is modeled on a template of love 慣用語

成年人的愛情是以童年時期建立的

created in childhood

愛情模板為原型的，

and is likely to be entwined 慣用語

並且很可能交織著

with a range of problematic attractions

一系列成問題的吸引力，

that militate in key ways 用詞

在關鍵方面阻礙著

against our chances of growth and happiness as adults.

我們作為成年人獲得成長和幸福的機會。

We may believe we're seeking happiness in love,

我們可能以為自己在愛情中尋找幸福，

but what we're really after is familiarity. 片語動詞

但實際上我們追求的是熟悉感。

We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships

我們試圖在成年後的關係中重建

the very feelings we knew so well in childhood

我們在童年時期非常熟悉的那些感覺，

and which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.

而這些感覺很少僅僅局限於溫柔和關懷。

The love many of us would have tasted early on 慣用語

我們許多人早年嚐過的愛

was confused with other,

混雜著其他的、

perhaps more destructive dynamics,

也許更具破壞性的動力：

feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control 慣用語

想要幫助一個失控的成年人的感覺，

or of being deprived of a parent's warmth 用詞

或被剝奪了父母的溫暖的感覺，

or scared of his or her anger,

或是害怕他或她的憤怒，

or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes. 文法

或者是覺得不夠安全，無法溝通我們更棘手的願望。

How logical then

那麼，這也就合乎邏輯了，

that we should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates, 文法

我們作為成年人會發現自己拒絕某些候選人，

not because they're wrong for us, 文法

不是因為他們不適合我們，

but because they're a little too right. 表達脈絡

而是因為他們有點太適合了。

In the sense of seeming somehow excessively 表達脈絡

某種程度上似乎過於

balanced, mature, understanding and reliable,

沉穩、成熟、體貼和可靠，

given that in our hearts 文法

因為在我們的內心深處，

such rightness feels foreign and unearned.

這種“合適”感覺是陌生且不勞而獲的。

To choose our partners wisely,

為了明智地選擇我們的伴侶，

we need to tease out 片語動詞

我們需要梳理出

how certain compulsions to suffering

對痛苦的某些執念

may be playing themselves out 片語動詞

可能如何在我們被吸引的感覺中

in our feelings of attraction.

發揮作用。

A useful starting place is to ask ourselves, 表達脈絡

一個有用的起點是問問我們自己，

perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper,

也許是拿出一大張紙，

or a pen and a free afternoon,

或者一支筆和一個悠閒的下午，

what sort of people in the abstract put us off 講解

抽象地說，什麼樣的人讓我們反感，

and what kinds excite us?

什麼樣的人讓我們興奮？

To try to trace back qualities 片語動詞

試著將這些品質追溯到

to the people who first loved us in childhood

童年時最初愛我們的人，

and to ask ourselves

並問問自己，

how much our impulses really are aligned 片語搭配

我們的衝動在多大程度上真正契合了

with things that might make us happy.

那些可能讓我們快樂的事物。

We could stand to discover, for example, 片語搭配

我們可能會去發現，例如，

that slightly distant and sadistic people

稍微有距離感和帶有施虐傾向的人

do always seem more interesting to us

似乎總是比所謂的“好人”

than the so-called nice ones. 用詞

更讓我們覺得有趣。

That should make us stop and think.

這應該讓我們停下來想一想。

Our honestly described reactions are legacies.

我們誠實描述出的反應都是歷史遺留。

They are revealing underlying assumptions

它們揭示了潛在的假設——

we've acquired about what love for us can feel like.

我們習得的關於愛對我們來說可能是什麼感覺的假設。

We may start to get a clearer picture 慣用語

我們可能會開始有更清晰的認識，

that our vision of what we're looking for in another person 片語動詞

我們對另一個人的期望願景

might not be an especially good guide

可能並不是

to our personal happiness.

我們個人幸福的特別好的嚮導。

Examining our emotional histories,

審視我們的情感歷史，

we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone.

我們會了解到我們不能隨便被任何人吸引。

We're limited in the types we have

我們所能接受的類型是受限的，

because of certain things that happened to us in our past.

因為我們過去發生過某些事情。

Even if we can't always radically shift these patterns, 文法

即使我們不能總是徹底改變這些模式，

it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain. 慣用語

知道我們正戴著鐐銬也是有用的。

It can make us more careful of ourselves

它可以讓我們對自己更加謹慎，

when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty 片語搭配

當我們被一種確信感淹沒時——

that we've met the one 用詞

在酒吧裡只聊了幾分鐘

after just a few minutes chatting at the bar. 文法

就認為我們遇到了“對的人”。

Or when we're certain someone is just wrong or boring,

或者當我們斷定某個人根本不適合或很無聊時，

even though objectively they do have a lot going for them. 講解

即使客觀地說他們確實有很多優點。

Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people 文法

最終，我們有望釋放自己，去愛與我們最初類型

to our initial types

不同的那些人，

when we find that the qualities we like

當我們發現我們喜歡的特質

and the ones we very much fear

和我們非常害怕的特質

can be found in different constellations 慣用語

可以以不同的組合方式出現時，

from those we encountered

而不是像我們曾經遇到過的那樣

in the people who first taught us about affection

在那些最初教會我們感情的人身上，

long ago in a childhood

很久以前，在那個童年裡，

we should strive to understand 片語搭配

我們應該努力去理解的童年，

and in many ways free ourselves from. 片語動詞

以及在很多方面我們需要從中解放出來的童年。