過度友善者的問題：英語精讀講義

There's a particularly poignant way one can be a social disaster 講解

有一種特別令人心酸的社交災難，

through over-friendliness,

那就是過度熱情，

a pattern of behavior driven by the very best of motives, 片語搭配

這種行為模式雖然出於極好的動機，

which ends up feeling as irritating as outright rudeness. 講解

最終卻讓人覺得像公然的粗魯一樣惱人。

We meet the over-friendly at the office,

我們在辦公室裡能遇到過度熱情的人，

laughing at the jokes of the senior management,

他們對高管的笑話捧腹大笑；

behind the desk at the hotel,

在飯店櫃檯也能遇到，

wishing sir or madam a highly enjoyable stay,

他們祝願先生或女士度過一個非常愉快的假期；

and across the table on a first date,

甚至在初次約會的餐桌對面，

lavishly endorsing their would-be partner's every opinion about recent books and films. 用詞

他們也會對潛在伴侶關於最近書籍和電影的每一個觀點進行毫無保留的附和。

The over-friendly are guilty of three large errors.

過度熱情的人常犯三個大錯。

Firstly,

第一，

they believe they must agree on everything.

他們認為必須在所有事情上表示贊同。

If the other says the world is going to the dogs, 慣用語

如果對方說世界正在走向沒落，

they immediately nod in consent. 片語搭配

他們會立刻點頭同意。

If a second later,

如果一秒鐘後，

there's a prediction of a utopian technological future,

對方又預測科技烏托邦的未來，

they'll agree just as much.

他們同樣會深表贊同。

When we say something clever,

當我們說出聰明的話語時，

they're thrilled.

他們欣喜若狂。

When we say something equally daft,

當我們說出同樣愚蠢的話時，

they like it no less. 文法

他們也一樣喜歡。

Their ritual approval may seem attentive. 用詞

這種例行公事般的贊同看似專注。

In truth, 表達脈絡

但實際上，

it's a version of not listening at all.

它根本就是一種充耳不聞的表現。

Secondly,

第二，

their praise is ill-targeted. 用詞

他們的讚美毫無針對性。

Plenty of nice things are being said,

儘管說了一堆好聽的話，

but they're not the ones that we happen to value. 文法

卻恰恰不是我們所看重的點。

They claim to love our umbrella,

他們聲稱喜歡我們的雨傘，

our credit card is from their favorite bank,

我們的信用卡是他們最愛的銀行發行的，

our chairs are deeply beautiful.

我們的椅子美極了。

We apparently have a nice way of holding our fork,

甚至覺得我們拿叉子的姿勢都很優雅，

but none of this counts for us if it isn't connected up with our own sense of meaning and achievement. 講解

但如果這些與我們自身的意義感和成就感無關，對我們就毫無價值。

Everyone loves being praised,

每個人都喜歡被讚美，

but to be praised inaccurately is its own kind of insult. 文法

但不準確的讚美本身就是一種冒犯。

Thirdly,

第三，

their friendliness is remorselessly upbeat. 用詞

他們的熱情總是無情地保持著盲目樂觀。

They point out how well we look, 表達脈絡

他們指出我們看起來氣色多好，

how impressive our job sounds,

我們的工作聽起來多棒，

how perfect our family life seems.

我們的家庭生活看起來多完美。

They want to make us feel good,

他們想讓我們感覺良好，

but they dangerously raise the cost of revealing any of the lonelier, darker, more melancholic aspects of our characters. 慣用語

卻危險地提高了我們展現性格中那些孤獨、陰暗、更加憂鬱特質的成本。

By contrast, 表達脈絡

相比之下，

the less ardently friendly,

那些不那麼過度熱情、

and therefore properly pleasing person will keep three things closely in mind.

從而讓人真正感到舒適的人會牢記三件事。

Firstly,

第一，

that disagreement isn't necessarily or always terrible, 文法

意見分歧不一定總是糟糕的；

that it may be exhilarating to be contradicted when we don't feel that our dignity is at stake, 慣用語

當我們不覺得自己的尊嚴受到威脅時，被反駁可能會令人興奮；

and that we're learning something valuable at the hands of a combative interlocutor. 慣用語

而且我們還能從好鬥的交談對象那裡學到有價值的東西。

Secondly,

第二，

that people only want to be complimented on things that they are actively proud of.

人們只希望在自己真正引以為傲的事情上受到讚美。

The value of the currency of praise depends entirely on it not being spent too freely. 慣用語

讚美如同貨幣，其價值完全取決於不被隨意濫用。

And so,

因此，

the truly pleasing person knows they must pass over many things in discreet silence, 片語動詞

真正惹人喜歡的人知道，對於許多事情他們必須保持謹慎的沉默，

so that when they eventually do bestow a blessing, 用詞

這樣，當他們最終給出讚美時，

their words can have a proper resonance.

才能引起適當的共鳴。

Thirdly,

第三，

that we are cheered up not so much by people who say cheery things as by people who appear to understand us, 文法

讓我們感到開心的，與其說是那些說俏皮話的人，不如說是那些似乎懂我們的人，

which usually means sympathize with our sorrows and show a willingness to travel with us to the anxious, hesitant, or confused parts of our psyches. 講解

這通常意味著同情我們的悲傷，並願意陪伴我們探索內心那些焦慮、猶豫或困惑的角落。

What enables the pleasing person to please is their capacity to hold on in social encounters, 片語動詞

真正討人喜歡的人之所以成功，是因為他們在社交場合中能夠保持自我定力，

even with rather intimidating and alien-seeming people,

即便面對頗具壓迫感和看似陌生的人，

to an intimate knowledge of what satisfies them.

也能深諳取悅對方的門道。

They instinctively use their own experience as a base for thinking about the needs of others. 片語搭配

他們會本能地以自身的經驗作為基準，去思考他人的需求。

By contrast,

相反，

the over-friendly person allows themselves to forget their own likes and dislikes under the pressure of an excessive humility, 片語搭配

過度熱情的人在極度謙卑的壓力下，允許自己忘記自身的喜惡，

which suggests to them that anyone impressive could not possibly share in the principles that drive their own psychology. 文法

這讓他們覺得，任何了不起的人都不可能與自己有著同樣的心理動機。

At the core of the pleasing person's charm is a metaphysical insight, 片語搭配

真正討人喜歡之人的魅力核心在於一種形而上學的洞察：

that other people cannot, deep down,

即在內心深處，其他人絕不可能

ever be very other, 用詞

完全與我們截然不同；

and therefore that in core ways

因此從根本上說，

what one knows about oneself will be the master key to understanding and getting along with strangers. 講解

了解自己才是理解陌生人並與之和睦相處的關鍵。

Not in every case, 表達脈絡

雖然並非總是如此，

but enough of the time to make the difference.

但在大多數情況下足以產生影響。

Over-friendliness isn't just a feature of one-to-one encounters, 文法

過度熱情不僅是一對一交往中的特徵，

it's an entrenched flaw within modern consumer society more generally. 片語搭配

更是現代消費社會中普遍存在的根深蒂固的缺陷。

This explains why the airline exuberantly wishes us a perfect day upon landing in a new city,

這就解釋了為什麼航班在降落新城市時，航司會興高采烈地祝我們擁有完美的一天；

or why the waiter hopes we'll have a truly wonderful time around the first course,

為什麼服務員會在上第一道菜時希望我們度過美好的時光；

and why the attendant in a clothes shop pulls such a large smile along with their suggestion that we try on a new pair of trousers. 片語動詞

以及為什麼服飾店的售貨員在建議我們試穿新褲子時會露出無比燦爛的笑容。

Here too, 表達脈絡

同樣在這裡，

the cause of an asphyxiating friendliness is a sudden modesty and loss of confidence around using oneself as a guide to the temperament and needs of a stranger. 講解

這種令人窒息的熱情的根源，在於面對陌生人時突然產生的謙卑，以及不敢以自身感受去揣測陌生人需求而喪失的自信。

Companies become over-impressed by the apparent otherness of their clients and thereby overlook how many aspects of their own selves are being trampled upon in a service context. 講解

企業過度被客戶表面上的「與眾不同」所震撼，從而忽視了在服務情境中自身有多少感受正在被踐踏。

They sidestep the knowledge that just after landing back home after a trip abroad, 慣用語

他們迴避了這樣一個事實：在出國旅行後剛落地回家時，

we may feel horrified at the thought of our responsibilities in the family, 片語搭配

我們一想到家庭責任可能會感到恐懼；

or that moods of introversion and sadness can accompany us even inside a clothes boutique. 慣用語

或者即使在服飾店裡，我們也可能會陷入內向和悲傷的情緒之中。

They behave as if they were cheerful Martians encountering broken, 文法

他們表現得就像遇到了破碎、

complex humans for the very first time.

複雜人類的快樂火星人，彷彿是第一次打交道。

The fault of the excessively over-friendly person can, in the end,

歸根結底，過度熱情之人的過錯，

be traced back to a touching modesty. 片語動詞

可以追溯到一種令人感動的謙卑。

They are guilty of nothing more than a loss of confidence in the validity of their own experiences as a guide to the pleasure of others. 片語搭配

他們的錯僅僅在於失去了自信，不再相信自己可以用自身的經歷去指引別人獲得快樂。

The failure of the over-friendly types teaches us that in order to succeed at pleasing anyone,

過度熱情者的失敗告訴我們：若想成功討好任何人，

we must first accept the risk that we might well displease them through a candid expression of our being. 文法

我們首先必須接受一個風險，即坦誠地表達自我很可能會惹他們不高興。

Successful charm relies on an initial secure sense that we could survive social failure. 慣用語

成功的魅力依賴於一種最初的安定感——相信我們能夠承受社交失敗。

Rehearsing how it would, in the end, be okay to make a hash of seducing someone 慣用語

反覆演練「即便搞砸了吸引某人的嘗試也沒關係」，

is perhaps the best way to seduce them properly and confidently.

也許恰恰是得體且自信地吸引他們的最好方法。

We must reconcile ourselves to the risk of not making friends to stand any chance of actually making any. 片語搭配

我們必須先接受交不到朋友的風險，才有可能真正交到任何朋友。