焦慮與逃避型依附關係的挑戰：英語精讀講義

There are so many ways to be unhappy in love,

在愛情裡有很多種不幸福的情況，

but one kind which modern psychology has given particular attention to 片語搭配

但現代心理學特別關注的一種情況是，

are relationships very high in number

數量非常多的一類戀愛關係，

in which one of the parties is defined as avoidant in their attachment patterns

其中一方在依附模式上被定義為「逃避型」，

and the other as anxious.

另一方被定義為「焦慮型」。

Attachment theory is the term given to a set of ideas 用詞

依附理論指的是一系列關於

about how we love and the role of childhood therein, 用詞

我們如何去愛以及童年經歷在其中所起作用的理論，

originally developed by the English psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s.

最初由英國心理學家約翰·鮑比在20世紀50年代和60年代提出。

It divides up humanity into three categories 片語動詞

該理論將人類分為三大類，

according to our varying capacity to behave with confidence and trust in relationships.

依據是我們在關係中表現出的自信與信任能力的不同。

Firstly, there are those who are securely attached, 用詞

首先是「安全型依附」的人，

who had reliable and good childhood experiences

他們有過可靠而美好的童年經歷，

and now expect to be positively treated by those they love. 文法

現在也期待被自己所愛的人善待。

Fortunate types who are capable of empathy and generosity 片語搭配

這些幸運兒具備同理心與慷慨的特質，

and communicate with honesty and directness about their needs.

並且能誠實直接地表達自己的需求。

Around 50% of the population is assumed to be securely attached. 文法

據估計，大約50%的人屬於安全型依附。

This leaves two fascinating deviations from health

剩下的人則屬於兩種引人注目的非健康偏離型，

caused by some form of early parental letdown and trauma.

這是由早年某種形式的父母失職或創傷造成的。

The first kind of attachment pattern is known as avoidant,

第一種依附模式被稱為「逃避型」，

the second as anxious.

第二種被稱為「焦慮型」。

What makes things even more complicated and very combustible 講解

讓事情變得更加複雜且極易引發衝突的是，

is that avoidant and anxious people are frequently drawn to forming couples. 片語搭配

逃避型和焦慮型的人經常互相吸引而結為伴侶。

It's part of their pathology.

這是他們病態心理的一部分。

Couples where their varied emotional quirks

這類情侶身上截然不同的情感怪癖，

contribute to an especially fraught combination. 講解

促成了一種尤其令人抓狂的組合。

An anxiously attached person in a relationship

戀愛中焦慮型依附的人，

will have the characteristic feeling of not being properly appreciated and loved. 文法

會有一種典型的感受：覺得自己沒有得到應有的珍視與關愛。

They would, they tell themselves,

他們會在心裡告訴自己，

like so much more closeness,

想要多得多的親密、

tenderness, touch and sex,

溫存、撫摸和性愛，

and are convinced that such a union could be possible.

並且確信這樣的結合是可能實現的。

The person they're with, however, 文法

然而，他們的伴侶

seems to them humiliatingly and hurtfully detached.

在他們看來卻疏離得令人屈辱和心痛。

They never seem to want them

對方似乎永遠都不渴求他們，

with as much intensity as they offer them. 文法

至少不如他們付出的那般熱烈。

They're hugely saddened by their coldness and distance

伴侶的冷酷與距離感讓他們感到無比悲傷，

and gradually fall into moods of self-loathing and rejection, 慣用語

進而逐漸陷入自我厭惡和被拒絕的情緒中，

feeling unappreciated and misunderstood,

覺得自己不被欣賞、不被理解，

as well as vengeful and resentful.

同時充滿報復心與怨恨。

For a long time,

在很長一段時間裡，

they might keep quiet about their frustrations

他們可能會對自己的沮喪保持沉默，

until eventually desperation erupts, 慣用語

直到絕望最終爆發，

even if it is a very inappropriate moment, 文法

哪怕是在一個極不合適的時機，

perhaps they and their partner are exhausted

比如兩人都已筋疲力盡，

and it's past midnight.

並且時間已過午夜。

They won't be able not to insist 講解

他們根本無法克制自己，

on addressing the issues right now.

非要立刻把問題說清楚不可。

Predictably,

可以預見的是，

these sort of fights go very wrong.

這類爭吵往往會徹底失控。

The anxious lover loses their calm.

焦慮型的一方會失去理智。

They exaggerate and drive their points home 慣用語

他們會誇大其詞、咄咄逼人，

with such viciousness 文法

態度極為惡毒，

that they leave their partner convinced

最終讓伴侶確信，

that they must be mad and mean.

他們肯定是又瘋狂又刻薄。

A securely attached partner

如果是安全型依附的伴侶，

might know how to soothe the situation, 片語搭配

可能知道如何緩和局勢，

but an avoidant one certainly doesn't.

但逃避型的伴侶絕對做不到。

Tragically,

悲劇的是，

this avoidant party triggers every insecurity

這個逃避型的伴侶會觸發

known to their anxious lover.

焦慮型戀人心底所有的不安全感。

Under pressure to be warmer and more connected, 片語搭配

面對要更加熱情、建立更多連結的壓力，

the avoidant partner instinctively withdraws

逃避型伴侶會本能地退縮，

and feels overwhelmed and hounded. 用詞

感到不知所措和被逼得走投無路。

They go cold and disconnect from the situation, 慣用語

他們變得冷酷並與當下的狀況切斷聯繫，

only further ramping up the partner's anxiety. 片語動詞

這只會進一步加劇伴侶的焦慮。

Underneath their silence,

在他們沉默的表象下，

the avoidant one resents feeling,

逃避型伴侶反感那種

as they put it, 表達脈絡

用他們的話來說

controlled.

被「控制」的感覺。

They have the impression of being got at, 片語動詞

他們有一種被指責、

unfairly persecuted

被不公迫害的錯覺，

and disturbed by the other's neediness.

並且對另一半的強烈情感渴求感到煩擾。

They may quietly fantasize about going off to have sex with someone else completely,

他們可能會暗自幻想跑去跟一個完全不同的人做愛，

preferably a total stranger,

最好是個徹頭徹尾的陌生人，

or just of going into the other room and reading a book,

或者乾脆跑到另一個房間去看書，

but probably not one about psychology.

但大概率不會是看心理學的書。

It helps immensely 文法

知道這不僅僅是你一個人的感情問題，

to know that this is not your relationship only.

會給你帶來莫大的心理慰藉。

This is a type, 表達脈絡

這是一個典型的模式，

and there are quite literally millions of them

而且毫不誇張地說，任何時刻在地球上

unfolding on the planet at any point.

都有幾百萬對這樣的情侶正在上演同樣的戲碼。

Even better,

更好的是，

the causes of the distress,

那些痛苦的根源，

which feel so personal and so insulting,

讓你覺得如此針對個人、如此充滿侮辱性，

are in fact general phenomena, 表達脈絡

其實是一種普遍現象，

well studied and mapped by sober researchers in lab coats. 用詞

早就被穿白大褂的嚴謹研究人員在實驗室裡研究並梳理清楚了。

The solution, as ever,

解決之道一如既往，

is quite simply knowledge.

簡單來說，就是知識。

There is an immense difference between acting out on one's avoidant or anxious impulses

放任自己的逃避或焦慮衝動發作，

and,

與

as would be so much more preferable,

（當然這是一種更可取的做法）

understanding that one has them, 文法

明白自己有這些衝動，

grasping where they came from,

了解它們的根源，

and explaining to ourselves and others

並向自己和他人解釋

why they make us do what we do. 文法

它們為何讓我們做出那樣的舉動，這兩者之間有著天壤之別。

We cannot, most of us, 語氣意圖

我們大多數人無法

be wholly healthy in love,

在愛情裡做到完全心理健康，

but we can be something almost as beneficial.

但我們可以變得近乎同樣有益。

We can grow into people committed to explaining 講解

我們可以成長為這樣的人：致力於在適當的時候解釋

our unhealthy, trauma-driven behavior in good time, 慣用語

我們不健康的、受創傷驅使的行為，

before we have become overly furious

就在我們變得極其暴怒

and hurt others too much,

並嚴重傷害他人之前，

and apologizing for our antics

並且能在我們的荒唐行徑

after they've run their course. 慣用語

告一段落後予以道歉。

There are few things more romantic,

很少有什麼能比這更浪漫的了——

in the true sense, 表達脈絡

在真正意義上——

than a couple who have learned to tell one another

莫過於一對伴侶學會了向彼此訴說，

with wit and composure,

帶著機智與從容，

that they have been triggered in an avoidant or an anxious direction, 用詞

告訴對方自己的逃避或焦慮模式被觸發了，

but are doing everything they can

但自己正在盡一切可能

to get on top of things 慣用語

去克服這種情緒，

and hope to be normal again in a little while.

並希望稍後就能恢復正常。

Love is a skill that we can learn. 表達脈絡

愛是一門我們可以學習的技能。

Our Relationships book calmly guides us

我們的《親密關係》一書心平氣和地指引我們，

with calm and charm

帶著從容與魅力，

through the key issues of relationships

探討戀愛關係中的核心問題，

to ensure that success in love

以確保在愛情中獲得成功

need not be a matter of good luck. 文法

不必再只靠運氣。

For more, click the link now.

欲了解更多，請立即點擊連結。

Be sure to subscribe to our channel

請務必訂閱我們的頻道，

and turn on notifications.

並打開通知。