童年陰影如何影響你的戀愛？：英語精讀講義

In the course of any adult life, 片語搭配

在任何成年人的一生中，

there will be periods when we'll end up involved in that slightly odd, 片語動詞

總會有一段時期，我們最終會捲入那種有點奇怪、

slightly unrepresentative,

有點非典型、

and invariably slightly challenging activity,

並且總是略帶挑戰性的活動：

looking.

尋找伴侶。

Most people around us won't be any the wiser, 慣用語

我們周圍的大多數人可能並不知情，

but with greater or lesser subtlety, 片語搭配

但我們會或明或暗地

we will be scanning,

四處搜尋，

suggesting coffees and lunches,

提議喝咖啡和吃午餐，

accepting every invitation,

接受每一個邀請，

giving out our email addresses 片語動詞

給出我們的電子郵件地址，

and thinking with unusual care about where to sit on train journeys.

並在搭火車時異常仔細地考慮該坐在哪裡。

Sometimes the rigmarole will be joyful, 用詞

有時候，這種繁瑣的過程會令人愉悅，

at times a bore.

有時卻令人厭煩。

But for a portion of us,

但對於我們中的一部分人來說，

as many as one in four,

多達四分之一的人，

it will count as one of the hardest things we ever have to do. 片語搭配

這將算是我們必須面對的最困難的事情之一。

Fun won't remotely come into it. 慣用語

樂趣跟它根本沾不上邊。

This will be closer to trauma.

這將更接近於創傷。

And it will be so for a reason that can feel more humiliating still,

並且，之所以如此，其原因可能讓人感到更加屈辱，

because a long time ago now,

因為在很久以前，

we had a very bad childhood,

我們有一個非常糟糕的童年，

one whose impact and legacy we still haven't yet wholly mastered. 片語搭配

一個其影響和遺留問題我們至今仍未完全克服的童年。

It may not look like it, 表達脈絡

雖然可能看起來不像，

but babies are also looking out for love. 片語動詞

但嬰兒也在尋找愛。

They're not going out in party smocks

他們不會穿著派對禮服出門，

or slipping strangers their phone numbers.

也不會偷偷塞給陌生人電話號碼。

They are lying more or less immobile in cribs

他們或多或少一動不動地躺在嬰兒床裡，

and are capable of little besides the occasional devastatingly cute smile. 文法

除了偶爾極其可愛的微笑外，什麼也做不了。

But they too are looking out for someone's arms to feel safe in,

但他們也在尋找一個能讓他們感到安全的懷抱，

for someone who can soothe them,

尋找一個能安撫他們的人，

someone who can stroke their head,

尋找一個能撫摸他們頭的人，

tell them it will all be okay when things feel desperate,

在事情感覺絕望時告訴他們一切都會好起來，

and at points lend them a breast to suck on.

並在某些時候給他們一個可以吸吮的乳房。

They are looking,

就像心理學家所說的，

as the psychologists call it, 表達脈絡

他們在尋找

to get attached. 文化背景

建立依附。

But unfortunately,

但不幸的是，

for one in four of us,

對於我們四分之一的人來說，

the process goes spectacularly wrong.

這個過程大錯特錯。

There is no one on hand to care properly. 慣用語

沒有人在旁好好照料。

The crying goes on unheeded, 片語動詞

哭聲無人理會，

the hunger unassuaged.

飢餓無法緩解。

No one smiles reliably or cuddles confidently.

沒有人可靠地微笑或充滿信心地擁抱。

There is no welcoming breast.

沒有溫馨的乳房。

In the eyes of the caregiver,

在照料者的眼中，

there is depression or anger where there should have been delight and reassurance. 文法

本該是喜悅和安慰的地方，卻充滿了憂鬱或憤怒。

And as a result,

結果，

a fear of existence takes hold for the long term, 慣用語

對生存的恐懼長期存在，

and dating becomes a very hard business indeed.

約會確實成了一件非常困難的事情。

For those of us who experienced early letdowns,

對於我們這些早年經歷過失望的人來說，

there is simply little in us that can ever believe that a search for love will go well,

我們內心幾乎不敢相信尋找愛的過程會順利，

and we will therefore bring an unholy commitment to bear on ensuring that it doesn't. 片語搭配

因此，我們會帶著一種可怕的執念去確保它不會順利。

The dating game becomes the royal occasion when we can confirm our deepest suspicion, 慣用語

約會遊戲成了一場盛大的儀式，讓我們能夠證實內心最深的懷疑：

that we are unworthy of love.

我們不配得到愛。

We may, for example,

比如，我們可能會

fixate on a candidate who is, 片語搭配

痴迷於一個候選人，

to more attuned eyes, 慣用語

在更敏銳的人看來，

obviously not interested.

此人顯然不感興趣。

Their coldness and indifference,

他們的冷漠和無視，

their married-status or incompatible background or age,

他們的已婚身分或不匹配的背景與年齡，

far from putting us off, 文法

非但沒有讓我們退縮，

will be precisely what feels familiar,

反而正是那種讓我們感到熟悉、

necessary,

必不可少、

and sexually a bit thrilling.

在性方面甚至有些刺激的東西。

This is exactly what is meant to happen when we love. 用詞

這正是當我們去愛時應該發生的事情。

It should hurt atrociously

它應該痛苦不堪，

and go nowhere.

且毫無結果。

Or,

或者，

in the presence of a potentially kind-hearted and available candidate,

在面對一個可能心地善良且單身的候選人時，

we may become so demanding and uncontained, 文法

我們可能會變得如此苛求和無法自控，

so unreasonable and urgent in our requests,

在要求上如此不講理和急迫，

that no sane soul would remain in contention. 慣用語

以至於任何理智的人都不會繼續待在我們身邊。

We will spoil any potentially good impression 片語搭配

我們會破壞任何潛在的好印象，

by bringing a lifetime of self-doubt and loneliness 慣用語

把一生的自我懷疑和孤獨

onto the shoulders of an innocent stranger.

推到一個無辜陌生人的肩膀上。

Alternatively,

或者，

unable to tolerate the appalling anxiety of not yet quite knowing where we stand, 慣用語

因為無法忍受那種不確定自己立場的巨大焦慮，

we may decide to settle the matter by ourselves, 片語搭配

我們可能會決定自己解決問題，

preferring to crash the plane 慣用語

寧願讓飛機墜毀，

rather than see how it might land.

也不願看看它會如何降落。

We'll interpret every ambiguous moment negatively,

我們會把每一個模稜兩可的時刻都做負面解讀，

because sadness is so much easier to take than hope. 用詞

因為悲傷比希望容易承受得多。

The slightly late reply must mean that they've found somebody else.

稍晚的回覆一定意味著他們找到了別人。

Their busyness must be a disguise for sudden hatred. 慣用語

他們的忙碌一定是突然心生厭惡的掩飾。

The missing kiss at the end of their message

他們訊息末尾缺少的親吻，

is conclusive evidence that they've seen through our sham facade. 慣用語

是確鑿的證據，證明他們已經看穿了我們虛假的偽裝。

To master the terror of another letdown,

為了控制再次失望的恐懼，

we go cold. 慣用語

我們變得冷漠。

We respond sarcastically to sincere compliments,

我們用諷刺來回應真誠的讚美，

and we insist with aggression that they don't really care for us at all,

並充滿攻擊性地堅稱他們根本不在乎我們，

thereby ensuring that they eventually won't. 表達脈絡

從而確保他們最終真的不再在乎。

To escape these debilitating cycles,

要逃離這些令人衰弱的循環，

we need to accept that we're searching for someone to love us

我們需要接受自己正在尋找一個愛我們的人，

while wrestling with the most fateful of background suspicions, 慣用語

同時又在與一種最致命的深層懷疑作鬥爭，

that we don't actually deserve love.

即我們其實根本不配得到愛。

It's only by properly mastering what once happened to us, 文法

只有正確地克服曾經發生在我們身上的事，

the letdown we first experienced as infants,

也就是我們作為嬰兒時經歷的最初的失望，

that we can start to separate out past trauma from present reality, 片語動詞

我們才能開始將過去的創傷與現在的現實區分開來，

and therefore learn to navigate the ambiguities and occasional risks of adult dating. 慣用語

從而學會在成年人約會的模糊性和偶然風險中摸索前行。

It isn't that we've been told that we don't deserve to exist. 表達脈絡

並不是說有人告訴我們不配存在。

They're just busy tonight.

他們今晚只是很忙。

They don't loathe us.

他們並不討厭我們。

They're married to somebody else,

他們和別人結婚了，

as lots of people who we've carefully chosen not to look at,

就像那些我們特意避開不看的人中，

happen not to be.

碰巧單身的那些人一樣。

They're not peculiar.

他們並不奇怪。

It's just unfair and overwhelming

只是，要求一個你才認識12小時的人

to ask someone you've known for 12 hours

去彌補你一生的孤獨，

to make up for a lifetime of loneliness. 片語動詞

這對他們來說既不公平，又令人難以承受。

We need to see that this is not the first time we have been,

我們需要明白，這不是我們第一次，

in inverted commas, dating. 用詞

在引號裡，約會。

We've done it before,

我們以前就經歷過，

long ago,

在很久以前，

and it was the ways in which it went very wrong 文法

正是那個過程出了嚴重問題的方式，

that holds the key to our adult errors, 慣用語

成了我們成年後犯錯的根源，

our intensity,

我們的緊張，

our coldness,

我們的冷酷，

or our lack of judgment.

或者是我們的缺乏判斷力。

The catastrophe we fear will happen, 表達脈絡

我們害怕發生的災難，

has already happened.

已經發生過了。

The challenges we set up for ourselves are attempts to get back in touch with a trauma 講解

我們為自己設置的挑戰，是為了重新接觸那個創傷，

we haven't either understood or mourned.

那個我們既不理解也沒有哀悼過的創傷。

We can in time learn to ask people on a date 片語搭配

隨著時間的推移，我們可以學會邀請別人約會，

because we grasp that we're not thereby asking them what we think we're asking. 表達脈絡

因為我們明白，這並不意味著我們在問自己以為在問的問題。

Do I deserve to exist?

我配存在嗎？

No.

不，我們問的並不是這個。

We're asking something far more innocent 文法

我們問的是更純粹的東西，

and far more survivable with the answer to be negative.

也是即使答案是否定，我們也更能承受的東西。

We're asking,

我們問的是，

might you be free on Friday? 語氣意圖

你週五有空嗎？

And we can survive

而且我們能夠挺過去，

because even though we once got terribly hurt in the nursery, 文法

因為即使我們曾經在育兒室裡受過重傷，

we are now that most resilient of things, 表達脈絡

我們現在也成了最堅韌的存在，

an adult.

一個成年人。

So we have many other options.

所以我們還有很多其他的選擇。

We won't,

我們不會，

as we once feared,

像曾經擔心的那樣，

die of loneliness if it doesn't work.

如果不成功就死於孤獨。

We can take our time. 慣用語

我們可以慢慢來。

We can allow things to emerge.

我們可以讓事情自然發生。

We can tolerate ambiguity.

我們可以容忍模稜兩可。

And with such security in mind, 片語搭配

有了這種安全感，

we can begin to do that most momentous of things,

我們就可以開始做那件最重要的事情，

without risking our sanity,

而不會拿我們的理智去冒險，

see if someone we like might,

看看那個我們喜歡的人，

after all, 表達脈絡

到底，

want to go out tonight. 片語動詞

今晚想不想一起出去約會。

Our online shop has a range of books and gifts

我們的線上商店提供一系列書籍和禮品，

that address the most important and often neglected areas of life,

探討生活中最重要卻經常被忽視的領域，

such as finding a good enough partner.

比如如何找到一個足夠好的伴侶。

Click now to learn more.

立即點擊了解更多。