哪些長期關係能走到最後，哪些卻不能？：英語精讀講義

It can seem very confusing why certain long-term relationships survive and some don't.

為什麼有些長期關係能夠長久，而有些卻不能，這似乎讓人十分困惑。

It can from afar look as if it's the most cruel and alarming sort of lottery. 文法

從遠處看，這就像是一場最殘酷、最令人不安的彩票遊戲。

Trying to explain love to a child or a visitor from another planet

試圖向一個孩子或外星訪客解釋愛情，

promises to be a perplexing matter indeed.

註定是一件令人費解的事情。

All couples on their wedding day are united in wanting to make things work. 片語搭配

所有新人在結婚當天都團結一致，希望能白頭偕老。

Then for reasons beyond anyone's comprehension, 片語搭配

然後，由於一些令人無法理解的原因，

some of them simply seem to dissolve and others don't. 用詞

他們中的一些人似乎就這樣分道揚鑣了，而另一些則沒有。

To remove some of the terrifying element of apparent chance

為了消除這種看似偶然的、令人恐懼的因素，

and encourage us to work on the right aspects of our own couples, 片語動詞

並鼓勵我們去努力改善我們自己關係中正確的一面，

it may be helpful to become deliberately reductive 用詞

對導致分手的真正原因進行刻意的簡化，

about the real reasons why breakups occur.

可能會很有幫助。

We need, in this regard, 表達脈絡

在這方面，我們需要

first to discount certain causes 用詞

首先排除某些

that gain far too much airtime 慣用語

與其實際發生機率相比，

relative to their actual likelihoods.

獲得過多關注的原因。

Of course, sometimes people break up 片語動詞

當然，有時候人們分手

because one party wants a younger partner

是因為一方想要一個更年輕的伴侶，

or because they want better sex

或者因為他們想要更好的性生活，

or because they are seeking a more exciting companion

或者因為他們在尋找一個更刺激的伴侶，

or because their hobbies or political views have drifted apart 片語動詞

或者因為他們的愛好或政治觀點漸行漸遠，

or because things have, somehow, grown stale. 慣用語

或者因為事情不知為何變得索然無味。

But let's quickly try to reduce the role we give to such explanatory factors.

但是，讓我們盡快試著淡化我們賦予這些解釋因素的作用。

Given the costs of breakups, 表達脈絡

考量到分手的代價，

given the massive investments that people make in being together,

考量到人們在相處中投入的巨大心血，

given the chaos generated if there are children,

考量到如果有孩子會產生的混亂，

one can assert with a high degree of confidence 片語搭配

我們可以非常有信心地斷言，

that almost no one ever splits up for such familiar reasons.

幾乎沒有人會因為這些熟悉的原因而分手。

The real reason lies elsewhere.

真正的原因在別處。

The real reason for breakup lies in one or both spouses' sense 講解

分手的真正原因在於夫妻一方或雙方覺得

that they have not been heard,

自己的話沒有被傾聽，

that something very important to them has been disregarded,

對他們非常重要的事情被忽視了，

that their point of view has not,

他們的觀點沒有

at a fundamental level,

在根本層面上，

been acknowledged and honored.

得到認可和尊重。

It doesn't matter what the subject of this non-hearing happens to be. 文法

這種沒有被傾聽的主題碰巧是什麼並不重要。

It could be that they haven't been heard about their views on money

可能是在金錢問題上他們的觀點沒有被傾聽，

or on the way the children are being brought up 片語動詞

或者在孩子撫養方式上，

or on how their weekends should be managed

或者在週末該如何安排上，

or on how intimacy occurs or doesn't occur.

又或者在親密行為如何發生或不發生上。

It's feeling unheard for our differences that is unbearable. 文法

令人無法忍受的是，我們的分歧沒有被傾聽。

It's never the presence of differences per se. 用詞

分歧本身從來不是問題。

We don't break up because a partner doesn't agree with us.

我們不會因為伴侶不同意我們的觀點而分手。

We could stand not getting what we want. 用詞

我們可以忍受得不到我們想要的東西。

We could stand a partner who votes another way than we do

我們可以忍受一個投票意向和我們不同的伴侶，

or who is no longer as young as they once were 文法

或者不再像以前那麼年輕的伴侶，

or who has annoying friends

或者有煩人朋友的伴侶，

or different tastes in holidays.

或者在度假口味上不同的伴侶。

What we can't stand is someone who blocks us 文法

我們無法忍受的是，當我們試圖表達這些分歧領域有多麼令人苦惱時，

when we try to articulate how troublesome we find these areas of divergence, 文法

有人阻撓我們，

when our unique way of looking at existence

當我們看待生存的獨特方式

seems a matter of basic indifference 片語搭配

似乎面臨的是一種基本的冷漠，

that is too lonely and enraging to bear. 文法

這太孤獨、太令人憤怒，讓人無法忍受。

It's better to be single than unseen. 文法

寧願單身也不願被視而不見。

After all, the unseen are alone anyway, 表達脈絡

畢竟，那些被視而不見的人，

whatever their ostensible relationship status. 用詞

無論他們表面上的關係狀態如何，終究是孤獨的。

There is a big difference between a partner not doing what we want 表達脈絡

伴侶不做我們想要的事，

and a partner not hearing what we want.

和伴侶不傾聽我們想要什麼，這兩者之間有很大的區別。

It's entirely possible that one would remain with someone who doesn't share most of our interests

我們完全有可能和一個不認同我們大部分興趣的人在一起，

so long as they happen to accept and signal an understanding of how much these interests matter to us. 講解

只要他們碰巧能接受並表示理解這些興趣對我們有多重要。

It would be possible for us to live with someone who doesn't want the same sort of sex as we do 文法

我們可以和一個在性方面跟我們需求不同的人一起生活，

or wants no sex at all

甚至完全不需要性生活，

so long as they can, at points,

只要他們能在某些時候，

see matters from our position and can give a modicum of empathy to our hopes and longings. 講解

從我們的立場看問題，並對我們的希望和渴望給予一絲同理心。

We could be with someone whose needs for affection run in a different direction 慣用語

我們也可以和一個對感情需求方向與我們不同的人在一起，

so long as they have the courage to listen to how ours operate.

只要他們有勇氣傾聽我們的需求是如何運作的。

We don't need partners to agree with us on everything. 表達脈絡

我們不需要伴侶在每件事上都同意我們的看法。

We need them to give off signs that they can accept the scale and legitimacy of our vision. 片語動詞

我們需要他們釋放出信號，表明他們能接受我們願景的程度和合理性。

"I understand" is the phrase that could single-handedly rescue more long-term relationships 講解

「我理解」這句話，或許比無數次結婚紀念日慶祝或心理治療，

than any number of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions. 用詞

能夠單槍匹馬地拯救更多的長期關係。

It deserves to be known as the most romantic phrase in existence.

它理應被譽為世界上最浪漫的話語。

There is a lot of hope in this thesis.

這一論點中蘊含著很大的希望。

If we want to stay together,

如果我們想在一起，

we don't need to be exceptionally beautiful or rich.

我們不需要非常漂亮或富有。

We don't need to rely on chance.

我們不需要依賴運氣。

We don't need to have brilliant sex or friction-free alignments of interests. 用詞

我們不需要絕妙的性生活或毫無摩擦的利益一致。

We just need to make sure that we are people who listen,

我們只需要確保自己是一個善於傾聽的人，

who, when the partner has something very important they need to get across to us, 片語動詞

當伴侶有非常重要的事情需要向我們傳達時，

can bear to take things on board, 慣用語

能夠忍受著去接受，

can bear to acknowledge an opposite position, 片語搭配

能夠忍受著去承認一個對立的立場，

can bear to say,

能夠忍受著去說：

"I can see this matters a lot to you 語氣意圖

「我看得出這對你非常重要，

and I will try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it." 講解

我會盡我所能去思考，看看我能做些什麼。」

From here, it really doesn't matter if things radically change or not. 文法

到了這一步，事情是否發生根本性的改變真的不重要了。

The vital work will have been done 文法

至關重要的工作已經完成，

and the relationship will have been assured.

關係也得到了保障。

People described as defensive may have a thousand charms, 慣用語

被認為有防禦心理的人可能有千般魅力，

but we should know that the most flawed open person is preferable to the most seemingly accomplished defensive one. 文法

但我們應該知道，一個缺點最多但心態開放的人，要比最看似完美卻防備心重的人好得多。

The person we should settle down with 片語動詞

我們應該與之安定下來的人，

isn't the most attractive or the cleverest.

並不是最吸引人或最聰明的那個。

It's the one who feels no pride or compunction in readily saying,

而是那個能不帶驕傲和顧忌、欣然地說出：

"I can hear what you are saying 語氣意圖

「我聽懂了你的意思，

and how much this matters a lot to you.

也知道這對你有多重要。

I get it." 語氣意圖

我明白了。」的人。

Or, "Because I love you, 語氣意圖

或者說：「因為我愛你，

this makes me curious.

這讓我很好奇。

Tell me more." 語氣意圖

告訴我更多吧。」

This person will surely,

這個人肯定，

one day, annoy or frustrate us mightily.

總有一天，會讓我們非常惱火或沮喪。

Everyone does.

每個人都會這樣。

We'll just be highly unlikely ever to want to break up with them. 文法

但我們絕不可能想和他們分手。

Connect is a card game to foster connection and closeness

Connect 是一款促進連結和親密的紙牌遊戲，

with 100 questions that help couples to rekindle affection. 慣用語

包含 100 個幫助情侶重燃愛意的問題。

Click the link on screen now to find out more.

請點擊螢幕上的連結了解更多。