如何在感情中避免防衛心態：英語精讀講義

We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view 片語搭配

在感情生活中，我們常常帶有一種錯誤的觀念，

unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions 慣用語

這種觀念在不知不覺中受法庭和學校辯論傳統的影響，

that the person who is right or has the stronger case 片語搭配

認為誰是對的或誰的理由更充分，

should legitimately win any argument.

誰就理所當然地應該贏得任何爭論。

But this is fundamentally to misunderstand

但這從根本上誤解了

what the point of relationships might be. 文法

感情關係的意義所在。

It is not to defeat an opponent.

它的目的不是打敗對手。

There are no prizes for winning 慣用語

吵贏了也沒有任何獎品，

other than self-satisfied loneliness.

除了自我滿足的孤獨。

The point is more to try to help each other

感情的意義更多在於互相幫助，

to evolve into the best versions of ourselves. 片語搭配

讓我們進化成最好的自己。

There's a kind of argument that erupts 片語搭配

有一種爭吵的爆發，

when one partner has a largely correct insight

是當一方極其敏銳且正確地

into the problems of their partner.

洞察到另一方的問題時。

With a stern, masterful, and almost gleeful tone, 語氣意圖

帶著嚴肅、掌控甚至幸災樂禍的語氣，

they may declare,

他們可能會宣布：

"You've been drinking too much."

「你酒喝得太多了。」

Or, "You hogged the conversation at the party." 用詞

或者，「你在派對上一個人霸佔了話題。」

Or, "You're always boasting."

或者，「你總是在吹牛。」

Or, "You don't take enough responsibility." 片語搭配

或者，「你不夠負責任。」

Or, "You waste far too much time online." 文法

或者，「你在網路上浪費了太多時間。」

Or, "You never take enough exercise." 用詞

或者，「你從來不怎麼運動。」

The insight is maybe not wrong. 語氣意圖

這種洞察或許沒有錯。

That is what's so tricky.

這就是棘手之處。

The critic is correct,

批評者是對的，

but they are unable to win

但他們贏不了，

because there are no prizes in love

因為在愛情中，準確挑出伴侶的毛病

for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners. 用詞

是得不到任何獎勵的。

Indeed, paradoxically,

事實上，矛盾的是，

by attacking a partner with clinical energy, 講解

當我們像醫生般冷峻地攻擊伴侶時，

we reduce our chances of ever reaching the real goal,

反而降低了實現真正目標的機率，

the evolution of the person we have to live with.

也就是那個要與我們共度一生的人的成長。

When we are on the receiving end 慣用語

當我們處於被動的一方，

of a difficult insight into our failings,

被一針見血地指出缺點時，

what makes us bristle and deny everything 文法

讓我們怒髮衝冠並全盤否認的，

isn't generally the accusation itself.

通常不是指控本身。

We know our flaws all too well. 片語搭配

我們對自己的缺點再清楚不過了。

It's the surrounding atmosphere.

問題出在當時的氛圍。

We know the other person is right.

我們知道對方是對的。

We just can't bear to take their criticism on board 片語動詞

我們只是無法忍受接受他們的批評，

given how severely it's been delivered.

因為批評的方式太過嚴厲。

So we start to deny everything,

於是我們開始全盤否認，

not because the accusations are wrong, 文法

不是因為那些指控是錯的，

but because we're terrified.

而是因為我們很害怕。

The light of truth is shining too brightly. 慣用語

真相的光芒太過耀眼。

The fear is that if we admitted our failings, 文法

讓人恐懼的是，如果我們承認了自己的失敗，

we would be crushed, shown up as worthless, 片語動詞

我們就會崩潰，暴露出自己的毫無價值，

required to attempt an arduous miserable process of change

被要求去經歷一個艱難痛苦的改變過程，

without requisite sympathy,

而得不到應有的同情，

and that unless and until we reform ourselves, 片語搭配

而且除非等到我們洗心革面，

we would have no claim on the affections or forgiveness of the other. 片語搭配

否則就無權得到對方的愛意或寬恕。

That's why we insist that we do actually do enough exercise, 文法

這就是為什麼我們堅稱自己其實有在運動，

that we have been working very hard,

堅稱我們一直工作得很辛苦，

and that we've never wasted any time on any embarrassing websites.

堅稱我們從未在任何令人尷尬的網站上浪費過時間。

We feel so burdened with shame and guilt already. 片語搭配

我們已經背負了太多的羞恥感和內疚感。

A lover's further upbraiding feels impossible to listen to. 用詞

愛人的進一步指責讓人根本聽不進去。

There's too much pre-existing fragility in our psyches

我們的心理早就充滿了太多原有的脆弱，

for us to admit to another difficult insight into what's wrong with us.

以至於無法再接受另一個指出我們毛病的尖銳批評。

The irony of the defensive argument

防禦性爭論的諷刺之處在於，

is that it is the overly confrontational pursuit of truth 表達脈絡

正是這種過度對抗性地追求真相，

that makes the truth impossible to reach.

使得真相變得遙不可及。

In the Philosophy of lying,

在謊言哲學中，

there is a central historical example of what is termed the just lie, 文化背景

關於所謂的「正義之謊」，有一個核心的歷史案例，

outlined by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato.

由古希臘哲學家柏拉圖提出。

If a crazed person comes to us and asks,

如果一個瘋子跑來問我們：

"Where's the axe?"

「斧頭在哪裡？」

We're entitled to lie and say, 片語搭配

我們有權說謊並回答：

"We don't know."

「我們不知道。」

because we understand that were we to tell them the truth, 文法

因為我們明白，如果跟他們說實話，

they'd probably use the tool to do something horrendous to us.

他們很可能會拿那個工具對我們做出可怕的事情。

That is,

也就是說，

we can reasonably tell a lie when our life is in danger.

當生命受到威脅時，我們有理由說謊。

In a couple,

在伴侶之間，

our partner may not literally be searching for an axe 表達脈絡

當對方像審判官一樣質問我們時，

when they ask us an inquisitorial question, 用詞

他們也許並沒有真的在找斧頭，

but psychologically,

但在心理上，

this is precisely how we might experience them,

這恰恰是我們可能感受到的，

which makes it at least a little understandable

這就多少讓人有些理解，

if we say we simply don't know what they're talking about.

為什麼我們會說自己根本聽不懂他們在說什麼。

It may feel unfair to ask an accuser to take responsibility for our vulnerability,

要求指責者為我們的脆弱承擔責任，也許感覺有些不公平，

but if they want to help their relationship,

但如果他們想要挽救這段關係，

they will need to make it abundantly clear 片語搭配

他們就需要非常明確地表明，

that they won't ever use the truth, 慣用語

他們絕不會把真相，

if it's acknowledged, as a weapon.

即使被承認了，當作武器。

What's so sad is how easily we,

可悲的是，我們作為被指責的一方，

as the accused, might,

是多麼容易，

if only the circumstances were more sympathetic, 文法

如果環境能更充滿同情心，

confess to everything.

就會全盤托出。

We would in fact love to unburden ourselves 用詞

其實我們很想卸下包袱，

and admit to all that's broken and wounded in us.

承認自己內心所有的破碎與傷痕。

The answer is to try and create a situation

解決的辦法是努力創造一種情境，

where both partners accept that they are flawed,

在這裡，雙方都承認自己是有缺陷的，

but not on this basis,

但這絕不妨礙，

ever beyond a need for love and kindness,

彼此對愛和善意的需求，

where the mutual need for evolution is taken as a given, 慣用語

在這裡，共同成長的需要被視為理所當然，

and where every well-considered criticism is handled

在這裡，每一個深思熟慮的批評都被如此對待：

as both correct

它既是正確的，

and yet needing to be wrapped up in extraordinary layers of reassurance. 慣用語

卻也需要用層層額外的安慰包裹起來。

There should be a recognition that people don't change 表達脈絡

我們應該認識到，人在被告知自己哪裡有錯時，

when they're told what's wrong with them.

是不會改變的。

They change when they feel sufficiently supported

只有當他們感到獲得了足夠的支持，

to undertake the change they, almost always,

才會著手去做出改變，而這些改變幾乎總是

already know is due. 用詞

他們早知道該做出的。

It isn't enough to be sometimes right in relationships. 文法

在感情中，偶爾正確是不夠的。

We need to be generous enough in our love

我們的愛需要足夠慷慨，

in order that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong. 講解

好讓我們的伴侶能夠承認自己的錯誤。

Love is a skill that we can learn. 表達脈絡

愛是一項我們可以學習的技能。

Our Relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm

我們的《人際關係》一書平靜而充滿魅力地引導我們，

through the key issues of relationships

解決感情關係中的關鍵問題，

to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck.

確保愛情的成功不只靠好運氣。

For more, click the link now.

了解更多，請點擊此連結。