為什麼我們會對伴侶變冷淡：英語精讀講義

The story of the path to coldness in love is well known.

愛情中逐漸變得冷淡的故事，大家都很熟悉。

We start off full of affection for one another 片語動詞

我們一開始對彼此充滿愛意，

and then with time feelings fade.

然後隨著時間的推移，感情漸漸淡去。

We start prioritizing work.

我們開始把工作放在首位。

We check our phones while they're speaking.

當伴侶說話時，我們滑看手機。

We don't especially want to hear how their day went.

我們並不是真的很想聽他們這一天是怎麼過的。

There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost, 慣用語

對於這種情感上的冷淡，有一種普遍的表面解釋：

that people naturally get bored of one another 片語搭配

即人們會自然而然地對彼此感到厭倦，

in the same way as they get bored with everything else.

就像他們對其他所有事情都會感到厭倦一樣。

The gadget that once seemed so amazing,

曾經看起來那麼神奇的小玩意，

the film they used to love.

曾經喜歡過的電影。

Going cold is, in this story,

在這種說法中，變得冷淡，

simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

只是由於太過熟悉而不可避免的後果。

But there's another explanation,

但還有另一種解釋，

darker at first, but in the end more hopeful. 表達脈絡

一開始顯得更陰暗，但最終卻更有希望。

The loss of interest isn't either natural or inevitable.

失去興趣既不是自然而然的，也不是不可避免的。

The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active. 文法

這種厭倦其實更複雜，也更為主動。

It exists because we feel hurt by, 片語搭配

它的存在是因為我們感到受到了伴侶的傷害，

angry with, or scared of our partner.

對他們感到憤怒，或是對他們感到恐懼。

And because we haven't found a cathartic way

並且因為我們沒有找到一種宣洩的方式，

to tell ourselves or them about it.

來告訴自己或對方這一切。

Tuning out isn't inevitable. 片語動詞

表現出漠不關心並非不可避免。

It's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress. 用詞

它是被否認的情感痛苦的症狀。

It's a way of coping.

這是一種應對機制。

We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored. 用詞

我們在內心變得麻木，而不只是有一點點無聊。

This can sound strange.

這聽起來可能有些奇怪。

After all, we might have no active sense 表達脈絡

畢竟，我們可能並沒有明確感覺到

that our partner has been hurting, angering, or frightening us.

伴侶一直在傷害、激怒或驚嚇我們。

The idea appears laughable or extreme.

這個想法似乎有些可笑或極端。

It makes our partners sound like monsters 文法

它讓我們的伴侶聽起來像個怪物，

or ourselves like weaklings.

或者把我們自己顯得像個弱者。

Neither of which is true.

這兩者都不是事實。

But the self that loves within a relationship

但在一段關係中那個去愛的自我，

is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

並不是我們在生活其他方面所熟悉的那個正常的成年自我。

We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient,

我們或許在大多數時候都足智多謀且堅韌不拔，

but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

但那個去愛的人，卻是一個無比脆弱的存在。

We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, 表達脈絡

我們可以把它想像成一個更小、更年輕、

more defenseless version of ourselves that lives in our heads

更加毫無防備的自我版本，它住在我們的大腦裡，

and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies, 文法

它不比還是嬰兒時的我們更堅強，也不比那時更聰明，

which is when so many of our needs for

而那時正是我們對愛的眾多需求

and ideas about love were formed.

和對愛的觀念形成的時候。

It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts,

正是這個脆弱的自我繼續主導著我們的心，

even if we're 6 ft 2 with a pointy beard.

哪怕我們身高 1 米 88 且留著尖鬍子。

The loving self has a gossamer thin ego. 慣用語

這個去愛的自我，有著薄如蟬翼的自尊。

It gets hurt, frightened, and upset with desperate ease. 片語搭配

它極易受傷、擔驚受怕，動不動就心煩意亂。

You could deeply distress it

你很容易就能讓它陷入深深的痛苦，

by interrupting it during a story it's telling you 文法

比如在它跟你講

about the sandwich it had for lunch,

午餐吃了什麼三明治的故事時打斷它，

by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on its arm yesterday,

比如沒有多問問它昨天胳膊上起的小紅點，

by preferring a book to cuddling,

比如寧願看書也不願擁抱，

or being a bit tricky about what channel it should watch on TV.

或者是對看哪個電視頻道挑三揀四。

Of course, these are by ordinary adult standards, 片語搭配

當然，用普通成年人的標準來看，

tiny slights.

這些都是微不足道的怠慢。

But we don't love by adult standards.

但我們在愛情中並不遵循成年人的標準。

These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves 慣用語

這些小小的暗箭，足以將那個去愛的自我

to its tender emotional core.

柔弱的情感核心刺傷。

Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happened. 片語動詞

理想情況下，這個小小的自我應該立刻指出發生了什麼。

It would carefully explain that it had been frustrated and hurt.

它應該仔細說明自己感到了失落和受傷。

Its voice would be measured, undefensive, and charming.

它的聲音應該是不疾不徐、毫無防備且充滿魅力的。

But mostly, it just stays silent.

但大多數時候，它只是保持沉默。

That's forgivable.

這是可以原諒的。

It doesn't properly understand what's wrong.

它並不完全明白到底怎麼了。

It just knows it's in pain

它只知道自己很痛苦，

and is driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself, 片語搭配

並且受制於退縮和自我保護的本能，

which translates into behavior that looks pretty cold. 片語動詞

這表現出來的就是看起來相當冷淡的行為。

If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, 慣用語

如果成年的自我需要把去愛的自我的不安表達出來，

it could sound and feel absurd,

聽起來、感覺上都會顯得荒謬，

which is partly why it doesn't.

這也是它不願這麼做的部分原因。

There can be something especially humiliating in having to say,

必須要說出這些話，會讓人覺得格外的屈辱：

"I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break." 片語搭配

「我覺得你對我午休的細節不夠關心。」

Or, "I'm 45 years old,

或者，「我已經 45 歲了，

but not capable of sharing a TV remote control."

但就是做不到和你共用一個電視遙控器。」

These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on, 片語動詞

對於一個成年人來說，糾結這些的確都是雞毛蒜皮的小事，

but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love

但是，我們在愛情中展現出脆弱的那一部分，

don't obey the ordinary adult rules.

是不遵守成年人常規法則的。

The consequence is that the loving self dries up. 片語動詞

結果就是，那個去愛的自我漸漸枯竭。

It doesn't want to have sex.

它不想做愛。

It gets sarcastic and irritable.

它變得尖酸刻薄、易怒。

But it doesn't even know why it's like this.

但它甚至不知道自己為什麼會變成這樣。

It isn't putting on an act. 慣用語

它並不是在演戲。

It's confused.

它是困惑的。

To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness

為了學會應對，我們需要明確地相互意識

and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress

並且寬容這種由敏感和痛苦交織的動態過程，

and a commitment to decode it

並承諾在疏離和冷漠降臨時，

when disengagement and indifference descend. 慣用語

努力去解開它的癥結。

We have to create a forum

我們必須建立一個溝通的平台，

in which so-called minor love-sapping hurts can safely be aired 用詞

在這裡，那些所謂消磨愛的『小傷害』可以安全地表達出來，

without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, 文法

而不必擔心另一方會像他們一貫輕易做到的那樣，

the issues at stake as childish or imagined. 慣用語

把這些核心問題打發為幼稚或幻想。

The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous,

那個去愛的自我的敏感確實是可笑的，

if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life. 文法

如果用生活中其他領域更強硬的標準來評判。

But this is not the rest of life. 表達脈絡

但這並不是生活的其他領域。

When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners. 慣用語

當我們變得冷淡時，我們可能並沒有真的對伴侶失去興趣。

We might just need an opportunity to imagine

我們或許只是需要一個機會去假想，

that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them.

自己其實在默默地對他們感到受傷和憤怒。

And we should have access to a safe forum 片語搭配

而且，我們應該能夠擁有一個安全的交流空間，

in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired,

讓那些溫柔卻帶刺的情緒得以表達、

purged, and understood without risk of humiliation. 片語搭配

淨化，並被理解，而沒有受到屈辱的風險。