為什麼愛情總是不如想像中美好：英語精讀講義

Often, our partner isn't necessarily being terrible in any overt way, 文法

通常，我們的伴侶並不一定有什麼明顯的糟糕表現，

but we feel a growing sadness about the character of our relationship. 用詞

但我們卻對關係的狀態感到越來越悲傷。

The partner isn't as focused on us as we'd hoped. 文法

伴侶並不像我們希望的那樣關注我們。

There are often times when they don't understand us properly.

他們經常不能很好地理解我們。

They're often busy and preoccupied.

他們總是那麼忙碌，心不在焉。

They can be a bit offhand or abrupt. 用詞

他們有時會顯得有些漫不經心或唐突。

They're not hugely interested in the details of our day.

他們對我們一天的生活細節不怎麼感興趣。

They call their friends rather than talk with us. 文法

他們寧願打電話給朋友，也不願跟我們說話。

We feel disenchanted and let down. 片語動詞

我們感到不再抱有幻想，滿心失落。

Love was supposed to be lovely, 文法

愛情本該是美好的，

but without any one huge thing having gone wrong, 文法

但在沒有發生什麼重大變故的情況下，

it doesn't feel much that way day-to-day.

每一天的生活卻感受不到多少愛意。

This sorrow has a paradoxical source.

這種悲傷有一個看似矛盾的根源。

We're upset now because at some point in the past,

我們現在感到難過，是因為在過去的某個時刻，

we were really rather fortunate.

我們曾經非常幸運。

We're sad because we've been lucky. 表達脈絡

我們之所以悲傷，是因為我們曾經幸運過。

To explain the seeming paradox,

為了釐清這個看似矛盾的現象，

we need to have a look at the intimate origins of love. 片語搭配

我們需要審視一下愛的親密本源。

Our idea of what a good loving relationship should be like 文法

我們對於一段美好的戀愛關係應該是怎樣的，

and what it feels like to be loved

以及被愛的感覺是怎樣的認知，

doesn't ever come from what we've seen in adulthood.

從來不是來自於成年後的所見所聞。

It arises from a stranger,

它源自於一個更陌生、

more powerful source.

更強大的地方。

The idea of happy coupledom

對於幸福伴侶的想像，

taps into a fundamental picture of comfort, 片語動詞

觸及了一種對舒適、

deep security,

深度安全感、

wordless communication,

默契交流、

and of our needs being effortlessly understood 文法

以及需求能毫不費力地被理解的根本畫面，

that comes from early childhood.

這些畫面都來自於童年早期。

At the best moments of childhood,

在童年最美好的時刻，

if things went reasonably well,

如果一切順利的話，

a loving parent offered us extraordinary satisfaction.

慈愛的父母會給我們帶來非凡的滿足感。

They knew when we were hungry or tired,

他們知道我們什麼時候餓了或累了，

even though we couldn't usually explain. 文法

哪怕我們通常無法用語言表達。

We didn't need to strive.

我們不需要費力去爭取。

They made us feel completely safe.

他們讓我們感到無比安全。

We were held peacefully.

我們被安穩地抱著。

We were entertained and indulged.

我們被逗樂，被寵愛。

And even if we don't recall the explicit details,

即使我們已經記不起具體的細節，

the experience of being cherished has made a profound impression on us. 片語搭配

被珍愛的經歷已經給我們留下了深刻的烙印。

It's planted itself in our deep minds 慣用語

它扎根在我們的潛意識中，

as the ideal template of what love should be.

成為我們心中關於愛應該是什麼樣子的理想範本。

As adults,

成年以後，

without really noticing,

在我們沒有真正察覺的情況下，

we continue to be enthralled to this notion of being loved, 用詞

我們繼續被這種被愛的觀念所束縛，

projecting the best experience of our early years

把早年最美好的經歷投射

into our present relationships

到現在的關係中，

and finding them sorely wanting as a result, 用詞

結果卻發現現實令人極度失望，

a comparison that is profoundly corrosive and unfair. 慣用語

這是一種極具破壞性且不公平的比較。

The love we received from a parent

我們從父母那裡得到的愛，

can't ever be a workable model for our later adult experience of love. 片語搭配

永遠無法成為我們日後成年後愛的體驗的可行模式。

The reason is fundamental.

原因很根本。

We were a baby then, 表達脈絡

那時我們是個嬰兒，

we are an adult now,

而現在我們是成年人，

a dichotomy with several key ramifications.

這種差異帶來了幾個關鍵影響。

For a start, 表達脈絡

首先，

our needs were so much simpler.

那時的需求簡單得多。

Back then,

過去，

we needed to be washed, amused, put to bed,

我們需要洗澡、被逗樂、被哄上床睡覺，

but we didn't need someone to trawl intelligently through the troubled corners of our minds. 慣用語

但我們不需要有人去聰明地梳理我們腦海中苦惱的角落。

We didn't need a caregiver to understand

我們不需要照顧者理解

why we prefer the first series of a television show to the second, 文法

為什麼我們更喜歡一部電視劇的第一季而不是第二季，

why it's necessary to see our aunt on Sunday,

為什麼星期天必須去看看阿姨，

or why it matters to us so much that the curtains harmonize with the sofa covers, 文法

或者為什麼窗簾必須和沙發套搭配對我們如此重要，

or that bread must be cut with a proper bread knife.

亦或是麵包為什麼必須用專門的麵包刀切。

The parent knew absolutely what was required

父母完全知道，

in relation to certain basic physical and emotional requirements.

在某些基本的生理和情感需求上，我們需要什麼。

Our partner, on the other hand, 表達脈絡

然而，我們的伴侶，

is stumbling in the dark 慣用語

卻在黑暗中摸索，

around needs that are immensely subtle,

面對那些極其微妙、

far from obvious,

極不明顯，

and very complicated to deliver upon.

而且很難滿足的需求。

Secondly,

其次，

none of it was reciprocal back then.

當時的一切都不是雙向的。

The parent was intensely focused on caring for us,

父母全身心地照顧我們，

but they knew and totally accepted

但他們清楚且完全接受，

that we wouldn't engage with their needs.

我們不會去回應他們的需求。

They didn't for a second imagine

他們從未想過

that they could take their troubles to us

可以把自己的煩惱向我們傾訴，

or expect us to nurture them.

或者指望我們去撫育他們。

They didn't need us to ask them about their day.

他們不需要我們問他們今天過得怎麼樣。

Our responsibility was blissfully simple.

我們的責任令人愉悅地簡單。

All we had to please them 文法

我們要討好他們所需要做的，

was to exist.

就只是存在。

Our most ordinary actions,

我們最普通的動作，

rolling over on our tummy,

在肚子上打個滾，

grasping a biscuit in our tiny hand,

用小手抓住一塊餅乾，

enchanted them with ease.

就能輕易讓他們感到欣喜。

We were loved. 表達脈絡

我們是被愛的。

We didn't have to love,

我們不需要去愛，

a distinction between kinds of love which language normally artfully blurs,

這兩種愛之間的區別通常被語言巧妙地模糊了，

shielding us from the difference between being the privileged customer of love 慣用語

讓我們無視了作為一個享受特權的「愛的消費者」，

or its more exhausted and long-suffering provider.

和一個更加疲憊、長期忍耐的「愛的提供者」之間的不同。

Furthermore,

此外，

our parents were probably kind enough to shield us from the burden 片語搭配

我們的父母可能好心地為我們屏蔽了

that looking after us imposed on them.

照顧我們給他們帶來的負擔。

They maintained a reasonably sunny facade 慣用語

他們維持著相當開朗的表面，

until they retired to their own bedroom,

直到他們回到自己的臥室，

at which point the true toll of their efforts could be witnessed. 片語搭配

此時才能看到他們付出的真正代價。

But by then,

但那時，

we were asleep.

我們已經睡著了。

They did us the honor

他們很尊重我們，

of not quite showing us what looking after us cost them,

沒有完全向我們展示照顧我們的代價，

which was immensely kind,

這極其善良，

but did us one lasting disservice. 片語搭配

卻也給我們帶來了一個永久的負面影響。

It may unwittingly have created an expectation

它可能在無意中製造了一種期望，

of what it could mean for someone to love us,

讓我們以為別人愛我們應該是什麼樣子，

which was never true in the first place. 片語搭配

而這從一開始就不是真的。

We might in later life end up with lovers who are tetchy with us, 講解

在日後的生活中，我們可能會遇到對我們脾氣暴躁的愛人，

who are too tired to talk at the end of the day,

他們在一天結束時累得不想說話，

who don't marvel at our every antic,

不會對我們的每個小動作驚嘆不已，

who can't even be bothered to listen to what we're saying. 片語搭配

甚至懶得聽我們在說什麼。

And we might feel,

我們可能會感到

with some bitterness,

有些心酸，

that this is not how our parents were.

覺得我們的父母不是這樣的。

The irony, 表達脈絡

諷刺的是，

which has its redeeming side,

這個諷刺也有一絲寬慰作用，

is that in truth,

事實就是，

this is exactly how our parents were,

我們的父母當年恰恰就是這樣的，

just up in their bedroom

只是他們在樓上的臥室裡，

when we were asleep and realized nothing.

而我們正在熟睡，什麼也沒察覺到。

The source of our present sorrow

因此，我們現在悲傷的根源

is not, therefore,

並不是，

a special failing on the part of our adult lovers.

我們成年愛人的某種特殊缺陷。

They are not tragically inept 文法

他們並非蠢得可悲，

nor uniquely selfish.

也不是極其自私。

It's rather that we're judging our adult experiences 表達脈絡

而是我們在用一種完全不同的童年愛的標準，

in the light of a very different kind of childhood love. 慣用語

來評判我們成年後的經歷。

We are sorrowful

我們感到悲傷，

not because we've landed with the wrong person, 講解

並不是因為我們找錯了人，

but because we have, sadly,

而是因為我們遺憾地，

been forced to grow up. 片語動詞

被迫長大了。