如何幫助我們所愛的人：英語精讀講義

One of the key desires of love is the wish to help another person. 文法

愛的一個核心渴望就是想要幫助另一個人。

But an intention doesn't always or automatically translate into a ready capacity for true assistance. 片語動詞

但是，有意願並不總是或自動地轉化為提供真正幫助的現成能力。

Picture a 5-year-old who stumbled into his parents' bedroom and surprised his mother crying. 講解

想像一個5歲的孩子，他跌跌撞撞地走進父母的臥室，驚訝地發現母親在哭泣。

She's normally so strong and ready with help for him.

她平時是那麼堅強，隨時準備幫助他。

Now he longs to do something to staunch the tears, 講解

現在他渴望做點什麼來止住她的眼淚，

but he's at sea. 慣用語

但他卻不知所措。

The sobs might be about the mortgage,

抽泣可能是因為房貸，

a turbulent time at work,

工作中的動盪時期，

or an argument with her partner.

或者是和伴侶發生了爭執。

But all these aren't for a child to grasp. 文法

但所有這些都不是一個孩子能理解的。

He sweetly suggests a glass of water

他貼心地提議給母親端杯水，

and pipes up that he might run downstairs to get knitted rabbit. 片語動詞

並大聲說他可以跑下樓去拿針織兔子。

The impulse to help floats logically free of any actual ability to do so. 慣用語

想要幫忙的衝動在邏輯上完全脫離了任何實際幫忙的能力。

Two people can long to be supportive and generous towards one another

兩個人可能都渴望對彼此給予支持和慷慨，

and yet lack all the skills to deliver on their good intentions, 片語動詞

卻缺乏實現其良好意圖的所有技能，

and therefore end up feeling isolated, 片語動詞

因此最終感到孤立、

resentful, and unloved.

怨恨和不被愛。

We cause ourselves trouble because we're too slow to recognize an odd, 文法

我們給自己惹麻煩，是因為我們太遲鈍，沒有意識到一個奇怪的、

largely unmentioned phenomenon,

很大程度上不為人知的現象，

how varied and particular our notions of help can be. 文法

即我們對幫助的看法是多麼多樣和具體。

We take our own preferred style of being soothed 文法

我們把我們自己偏好的被安撫的方式，

as the natural starting point for how to soothe others.

作為如何安撫他人的理所當然的起點。

But when we're wrong and our partner's original distress

但當我們弄錯了，而且伴侶原本的痛苦

is compounded by their sense of having been ignored or insulted, 片語搭配

又因他們感到被忽視或被侮辱而加劇時，

we take them to be ungrateful and cruel 文法

我們就會認為他們忘恩負義、冷酷無情，

and vow never to attempt to be kind again.

並發誓以後再也不試著釋放善意了。

An urgent task is therefore to try to understand

因此，一項緊迫的任務就是試著去理解，

the particular way in which we and our partner

我們和伴侶

need love to be delivered in order to feel that it is real. 文法

需要愛以何種特定方式傳遞，才能感覺到它是真實的。

We might be types who,

我們可能是這樣的人，

when we're sad or in difficulties,

當我們傷心或遇到困難時，

need first and foremost to speak. 片語搭配

首先最需要的是傾訴。

What we say may not be entirely sequential.

我們說的話可能並不完全連貫。

We might go back over things a few times 片語動詞

我們可能會把事情反覆說幾次，

and omit to cap our stories with neat endings. 片語搭配

並且不會給我們的故事畫上完美的句號。

But that might not matter,

但這可能沒關係，

because what we want above all from a partner when we're suffering 文法

因為當我們在遭受痛苦時，我們最希望伴侶做的是

is that they sit with us at length and listen. 用詞

長時間陪著我們，聽我們說。

We want them to signal their engagement with their eyes, 片語搭配

我們希望他們用眼睛示意他們的參與，

but not with their mouths.

而不是用嘴巴。

To register our anger,

去感知我們的憤怒，

to observe our disappointment,

去體察我們的失望，

and at most at opportune moments,

最多在合適的時候，

to prompt us with a "Go on." or a small supportive sound. 片語搭配

提示我們「繼續說」或者發出一點支持的聲音。

Yet what we absolutely don't want answers, solutions, or analyses,

然而，我們絕對不需要答案、解決方案或分析，

for them to open their wallets,

不需要他們掏錢，

to give us a plan,

也不需要他們給我們計畫，

or to rush to fill in our silences. 慣用語

更不需要他們急於填補我們的沉默。

We want them to sit listening

我們希望他們坐著傾聽，

because the real problem we need assistance with

因為我們需要幫助的真正問題，

isn't so much the specific issue we're mentioning, 文法

與其說是我們提到的具體問題，

the parking ticket, the in-laws, the delayed delivery.

停車罰單，姻親關係，還是延遲的快遞。

It's the overarching sense that most people we encounter

不如說是一種總體上的感覺：我們遇到的大多數人，

can't really be bothered to take the time to imagine themselves correctly into our lives. 講解

並不真的願意花時間設身處地去想像我們的生活。

Perhaps there was a history to this.

也許這是有淵源的。

Our parents might have been practically minded, busy, and successful,

我們的父母可能比較務實、忙碌、事業有成，

but somehow rather callous and distracted

但不知怎麼的，卻有些冷酷和心不在焉，

in the way they sought always and immediately

他們總是且立刻試圖

to push our difficulties out of the way with logic. 慣用語

用邏輯把我們的困難推開。

Now we feel how an immediate solution

現在我們覺得，一個立刻的解決方案，

can be an excuse for not listening to the problem. 片語搭配

可能成為不傾聽問題的藉口。

That's why just being heard feels like the quintessence of love. 講解

這就是為什麼僅僅被傾聽就讓人覺得是愛的真諦。

We might almost deliberately take our time, 片語搭配

我們甚至可能會刻意地慢慢來，

go back over points with our partner,

和伴侶重提一些觀點，

go back over points our partner had thought were finished,

重提伴侶以為已經結束的觀點，

and re-explore a jagged bit of our story,

並重新探討我們故事中不平順的一面，

not to mislead,

不是為了誤導，

but because such rehearsals create the backdrop 慣用語

而是因為這種反覆的陳述創造了一種背景，

for the only style of help we crave and trust,

讓我們能夠得到我們渴望和信任的唯一一種幫助方式：

receptive, quiet attention.

包容的、安靜的關注。

Then again, at another end of the spectrum, 表達脈絡

然而，在另一種極端情況下，

love might not feel real

愛可能感覺不那麼真實，

unless it's accompanied by precise and concrete solutions. 文法

除非它伴隨著精確而具體的解決方案。

Vague sympathy is worthless.

模稜兩可的同情毫無價值。

We might want to hear a flow of ideas

我們可能想聽到滔滔不絕的想法，

as to what we should do next,

關於我們接下來該做什麼，

what sort of strategy we should deploy,

我們應該部署什麼樣的策略，

whom we might call,

我們可能給誰打電話，

and how we can get answers.

以及我們如何得到答案。

It's all very well for someone to say they feel our pain. 語氣意圖

別人說他們對我們的痛苦感同身受固然很好。

We would prefer a plan.

但我們更想要一個計畫。

Love is a sheet of paper 慣用語

愛是一張紙，

with a list of bullet points in your partner's handwriting.

上面有伴侶親筆寫下的一系列要點。

In addition,

此外，

we might not be averse to evidence 用詞

我們可能不反感看到這樣的證據：

that our partner has spent some money on our problems.

伴侶為了解決我們的問題花了一些錢。

Time isn't a currency we respect. 慣用語

時間不是我們尊重的貨幣。

We might want them to pay for an accountant or a lawyer,

我們可能希望他們花錢請一位會計師或律師，

or offer an evening in an expensive restaurant.

或者請我們在昂貴的餐廳吃頓晚餐。

After an economically fragile childhood,

在度過了經濟脆弱的童年之後，

to feel really helped,

為了感覺到真正獲得了幫助，

we might long for evidence of financial outlay.

我們可能渴望看到財務支出方面的證據。

We can't be reassured just by what someone says.

我們不能僅僅因為別人說的話就感到安心。

We've built up a residual suspicion and distrust 片語搭配

我們對單純的言語安慰

around lone verbal offerings.

建立起了一種揮之不去的懷疑和不信任。

We remember how nice it was

我們記得那種感覺有多好：

when an elderly relative unexpectedly gave us a very well-chosen present

當一位年長的親戚出乎意料地送給我們一份精心挑選的禮物時，

when we were nine and in hospital after a bad fall.

就在我們九歲那年因為嚴重摔傷而住院的時候。

They never said very much to us,

他們從不對我們說太多話，

perhaps they were rather shy,

也許他們比較靦腆，

but this gesture truly touched us. 用詞

但這個舉動真的感動了我們。

We felt sure of their kindness,

我們確信他們的善意，

as if for the first time,

彷彿是第一次，

when we learnt just how much the present had cost. 文法

當我們得知那份禮物花了多少錢時。

Differently again,

又有不同的是，

when we divulge our agonies, 用詞

當我們傾訴我們的痛苦時，

our priority may just be to hear that everything will eventually be okay.

我們的首要任務可能只是想聽到一切最終都會好起來的。

We don't mind a little bit of exaggeration.

我們不介意有一點點誇張。

Despair strikes us as cheap. 片語搭配

絕望在我們看來是廉價的。

Reasons to give up are always obvious.

放棄的理由總是顯而易見的。

For us, love is a species of hope. 慣用語

對我們來說，愛是一種希望。

Or, alternatively,

或者，反過來說，

it's hope that may be enraging.

希望可能會讓人憤怒。

What calms us down is a quiet walk around the prospect of catastrophe. 講解

能讓我們平靜下來的，是靜靜地走在災難的陰影中。

We don't want to be alone in our fears.

我們不想獨自面對恐懼。

We long for someone to explore the grimmest possibilities

我們渴望有人帶著冷酷的鎮定，

with bleak sang-froid. 用詞

去探討最嚴酷的可能性。

To mention prison, insolvency,

提及監獄、破產、

front-page headlines, and the grave.

頭版頭條，以及墳墓。

Only when our partner is ready to match our most forbidding analyses 文法

只有當我們的伴侶準備好面對我們最可怕的分析時，

can we be reassured we're not in the hands of a callous sentimentalist, 慣用語

我們才能確信自己沒有落入冷酷的感傷主義者手中，

rather someone honest enough to see the dangers

而是遇到了一個足夠誠實、能看到危險

and to worry about them as much as we do,

並且和我們一樣擔心這些危險的人，

and perhaps stick with us while we serve out the prison sentence. 片語動詞

也許還能在我們服刑期間對我們不離不棄。

A cuddle can sound to some like a petty response to bad news, 文法

擁抱在一些人看來，可能是對壞消息無濟於事的回應，

but for us,

但對我們來說，

it can be the most reliable evidence of heartfelt love.

它可以是發自內心的愛最可靠的證據。

To help our minds,

要幫助我們的心靈，

we need someone first to reassure our bodies,

我們首先需要有人來安撫我們的身體，

to hold us tightly and quietly while we close our eyes in pain

在我們痛苦地閉上雙眼時，緊緊地、靜靜地抱住我們，

and surrender to their firm embrace. 片語搭配

讓我們屈服於他們堅實的擁抱中。

Help in adulthood may for others be associated with the gift of insight, 片語搭配

對其他人來說，成年後的幫助可能與洞察力的饋贈有關，

but for us,

但對我們來說，

it is touch that soothes. 文法

能帶來慰藉的是撫摸。

We're picking up on memories of early childhood. 片語動詞

我們正在拾起童年早期的記憶。

Wise parents know that a distressed child doesn't need a lesson or a lecture.

明智的父母知道，痛苦的孩子不需要教訓或說教。

They should be laid down on the bed, 片語動詞

他們應該被安置在床上，

held,

被抱住，

and their head stroked by a giant soft adult hand.

還有一隻巨大的、柔軟的成年人的手撫摸他們的頭。

The misfortune lies in how easily we can irritate with the wrong offer of love,

不幸的是，我們多麼容易因錯誤的愛而激怒對方，

and in turn, 表達脈絡

反過來，

how quickly we can be offended when our efforts at loving go unappreciated. 文法

當我們愛的努力得不到感激時，我們又有多快會感到被冒犯。

Recognizing that there are different styles of help

認識到有不同風格的幫助方式，

at least alerts us to the severe risks of misunderstanding. 片語搭配

至少能讓我們警惕誤解的嚴重風險。

Instead of getting annoyed at our lover's inept and sometimes wildly misdirected efforts, 文法

與其對愛人笨拙、有時嚴重錯位的心意感到惱火，

we can grasp, perhaps for the first time,

我們或許可以第一次明白

the basic truth

這樣一個基本事實：

that these blundering companions are, in fact, attempting to be nice. 表達脈絡

這些跌跌撞撞的伴侶，實際上是在試圖表達善意。

In turn,

反過來，

the clearest clue of the kind of help our partner wants 文法

關於我們的伴侶想要哪種幫助的最清晰的線索，

is the help they offer us.

就是他們提供給我們的幫助。

It seems love can't remain at the level of intentions alone. 慣用語

看來愛不能僅僅停留在意願層面。

It must involve constant strenuous efforts

它必須包含持續的、艱苦的努力，

to translate our wishes into interventions 表達脈絡

以將我們的願望轉化為

truly aligned with the psychology and history of another human being. 片語搭配

真正符合另一個人心理和過往經歷的介入行動。