為什麼逃避型與焦慮型伴侶很難分手：英語精讀講義

There is a certain sort of relationship that is alternately passionate, fiery, and painfully unfulfilling

有一種關係，時而充滿熱情、火熱，時而又令人痛苦地感到空虛，

and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants.

這種關係往往讓局外人和身在其中的人都感到困惑。

A relationship between one person who is, as psychologists put it, 表達脈絡

心理學家將其稱為這樣兩個人之間的關係：

anxiously attached and another who is avoidantly attached. 文化背景

一方是焦慮型依戀，另一方是逃避型依戀。

There is, in such couplings,

在這樣的結合中，

a constant game of push and pull. 慣用語

總是存在著一種推拉的遊戲。

The anxiously attached party typically complains,

焦慮型依戀的一方通常會抱怨，

more or less loudly,

聲音或大或小地表示，

that their partner is not responsive enough.

他們的伴侶回應不夠。

They accuse them of being emotionally distant, 文法

他們指責對方在情感上疏遠、

withholding, cold, and perhaps physically uninterested too.

有所保留、冷漠，也許在身體上也漠不關心。

The avoidant lover, for their part, 表達脈絡

至於逃避型戀人這一邊，

stays relatively quiet,

則保持著相對的沉默，

but in their more fed up moments,

但在他們實在受夠了的時候，

complains that the anxious party is far too demanding, 文法

也會抱怨焦慮型的一方要求太多，

possibly mad,

可能瘋了，

and, as they put it pejoratively, 表達脈絡

而且，正如他們帶有貶義地所說：

needy. 用詞

太黏人。

One person seems to want far too much, 文法

一個人似乎想要得太多，

the other far too little.

另一個人似乎想要得太少。

The unhappiness unfolds in a cycle.

這種不快樂在一個循環中展開。

At the start,

在開始的時候，

the anxious partner loves the avoidant one with great intensity,

焦慮型伴侶極其強烈地愛著逃避型伴侶，

but in time, also growing frustration.

但隨著時間的推移，挫敗感也在不斷增加。

The dissatisfaction grows ever more intense until, 文法

不滿情緒變得越來越強烈，直到

eventually one day,

終於有一天，

fed up with so much seeming rejection, 片語動詞

受夠了看似無盡的拒絕，

the anxious partner overcomes their fears,

焦慮型的伴侶克服了恐懼，

decides they need something better,

決定他們需要更好的生活，

and tells their lover that they're off. 片語動詞

並告訴他們的戀人他們要走了。

At which point the avoidant party undergoes a complete sea change. 講解

就在這時，逃避型的一方發生了翻天覆地的變化。

Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love, 文法

他們最深層的恐懼，也就是被愛吞噬的恐懼，

disappears at a stroke 慣用語

瞬間消失了，

and reveals something that is normally utterly submerged in their character,

取而代之的，展現出一種平時完全被掩藏在性格之下的東西，

a fear of being abandoned.

那就是對被拋棄的恐懼。

Wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed,

完全從被吞噬的威脅中解脫出來，

the anxious one may by now have packed their bags, 講解

雖然此時焦慮型的一方可能已經收拾好了行李，

the avoidant one

逃避型的一方

gives free rein to all their reserves of pent-up romanticism and ardor, 慣用語

卻開始盡情釋放他們所有壓抑的浪漫與熱情，

which feel utterly safe to bring out

這些特質現在對他們來說拿出來是非常安全的，

now that there seems so little danger of reciprocation. 文法

因為現在看來不需要承擔什麼回應的風險。

Despite their fury,

儘管非常憤怒，

the anxious person hears the honeyed words and forthright promises, 慣用語

焦慮型的人聽到了這些甜言蜜語和直白的承諾，

and, after some initial doubts,

在最初的懷疑之後，

can't help but be won over. 講解

還是忍不住被贏回了心。

The formerly distant partner appears to have become, 文法

曾經疏遠的伴侶似乎

in the nick of time, 慣用語

在關鍵時刻，

as they'd always wanted them to be,

變成了他們一直想要的樣子：

a warm soul.

一個溫暖的靈魂。

There is no reason not to return. 文法

沒有理由不回頭。

After all, 表達脈絡

畢竟，

it's not that they didn't love this person. 語氣意圖

並不是他們不愛這個人。

It was the feeling they weren't loved back that was making things impossible. 講解

而是那種感覺不到被愛的心情讓事情變得無法繼續。

For a time,

有一段時間，

there is bliss,

充滿了幸福，

and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness. 片語動詞

似乎這對伴侶正走向長久的快樂。

Liberated from their anxiety around engulfment, 表達脈絡

從被吞噬的焦慮中解放出來後，

the avoidant partner gives free expression to love. 片語搭配

逃避型的伴侶自由地表達著愛。

Liberated from their fear of abandonment,

從對被拋棄的恐懼中解放出來後，

the anxious one is left feeling secure and trusting. 文法

焦慮型的一方感受到了安全和信任。

But soon enough,

但沒過多久，

the problems return.

問題又回來了。

Things become,

事情變得，

as it were, 語氣意圖

彷彿，

too nice for the avoidant partner.

對逃避型的伴侶來說太過美好了。

It seems the anxious one isn't going to leave them anymore.

似乎焦慮型的一方再也不會離開他們了。

They're just going to stick around and seek ever greater closeness. 片語動詞

他們只會一直留在這裡，尋求更親密的關係。

And so,

於是，

the old fear of engulfment returns.

昔日被吞噬的恐懼又回來了。

They have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant, 講解

他們別無選擇，只能再次開始抽離並變得疏遠，

which gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner. 用詞

漸漸地，這讓焦慮型的伴侶再次無法忍受。

Within weeks or months,

在幾週或幾個月內，

the pair are back in the same situation.

兩人又回到了同樣的境地。

Fierce arguments return.

激烈的爭吵再次出現。

The words needy and cold are once more in circulation. 片語搭配

「黏人」和「冷漠」這些詞再次被搬上檯面。

It's time for another crisis and another threat of departure.

又到了一次危機和再一次以離開相威脅的時候。

It may go on like this for years or a lifetime. 片語動詞

這樣的情況可能會持續幾年，甚至一生。

From the outside, 表達脈絡

在外人看來，

it is almost funny.

這幾乎很可笑。

From the inside,

但在身處其中的人看來，

simply hellish.

簡直就是地獄。

There are a few ways out.

有幾個出路。

The avoidant party can realize

逃避型的一方可以意識到，

and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment.

並學會忍受他們被吞噬的恐懼。

The anxious party can grow conscious of their unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people, 講解

焦慮型的一方可以漸漸意識到他們那種不由自主被無法帶來滿足感的人所吸引的傾向，

refuse to go back after a crisis,

在危機之後拒絕回頭，

and seek a future with more secure and reassuring sorts.

並去尋找那些更有安全感、更讓人安心的人來共度餘生。

Or,

或者，

yet more hopefully for the couple,

對這對伴侶來說更有希望的是，

both partners could acquire the vocabulary of attachment theory. 文化背景

雙方都可以去了解依戀理論的詞彙。

They could come to observe their repetitions,

他們可以去觀察他們的這種重複模式，

gain some insight into aspects of their childhoods that drive them on, 講解

深入了解他們童年中驅使他們這樣做的各個方面，

and learn not to act out their compulsions. 片語動詞

並學會不被這種強迫性驅力所擺佈。

They can learn the games that they're unconsciously playing, 表達脈絡

他們可以認清自己正在無意識中玩的這個遊戲，

and then,

然後，

to the relief of all who care for them,

讓所有關心他們的人感到欣慰的是，

and to the redemption of their relationship,

也為了挽救他們的關係，

they can refuse to play them any longer.

他們可以選擇不再玩下去了。

Our book,

我們的書，

Sorrows of Love,

《Sorrows of Love》，

helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love.

幫助我們大家處理不可避免的愛情之痛。

If you enjoyed our film,

如果你喜歡我們的影片，

please subscribe to our channel

請訂閱我們的頻道，

and click the bell icon to turn on notifications.

並點擊鈴鐺圖示開啟通知。