我們可以愛誰：英語精讀講義

One of the strangest things about relationships is that we're not free to feel attracted to just anyone. 講解

關於親密關係，最奇怪的事情之一是，我們不能隨心所欲地被任何人吸引。

We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can't deviate from. 片語搭配

我們傾向於擁有某種強烈的心理類型，無法偏離。

All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists 慣用語

我們每個人的內心都帶著非常具體的購物清單，

defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters. 文法

規定了我們能愛的人在性格上需要是什麼樣。

You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements

你可能以為這些購物清單會圍繞著一些可愛的要求，

like that our potential lovers would need to be kind,

比如我們潛在的愛人需要是善良的、

understanding, friendly,

善解人意的、友好的，

and from our age and social group.

並且來自我們的年齡層和社會群體。

But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker.

但事實上，這些購物清單往往要怪異和陰暗得多。

We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates, 片語動詞

我們可能會最終忽視各種潛在的候選人，

dismissing them as boring or yucky, 片語搭配

認為他們無聊或令人討厭而將他們拒之門外，

or somehow just wrong

或者僅僅覺得就是不對勁，

and heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward

然後徑直走向那些性格有些糟糕

and not conducive to our happiness. 片語搭配

且不利於我們幸福的人。

For example,

例如，

we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are, 片語搭配

我們可能只會愛上那些比我們笨得多或缺乏責任感的人，

or who are really unreliable,

或者那些非常不可靠、

who are selfish and self-absorbed,

自私且以自我為中心、

or sarcastic and mean.

或者刻薄惡毒的人。

It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves,

這讓我們周圍的人和我們自己都感到非常困惑，

why on earth can't we settle down with people who are good for us? 講解

到底為什麼我們不能和對我們有益的人安定下來？

That's because what we're looking for in love

這是因為我們在愛情中尋找的，

isn't necessarily someone who is nice, pure, and simple, 文法

未必是一個美好、純潔、簡單的人，

but someone who feels familiar.

而是一個讓我們感到熟悉的人。

And a lot of us learnt about love in childhood

我們中許多人在童年時期了解了愛，

at the hands of people who were in a variety of ways trouble for us

卻是在那些以各種方式給我們帶來麻煩的人手中學到的，

and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types.

他們還在無意識地繼續指引著我們的愛情類型。

Our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved, 文法

我們最早的照顧者給了我們愛與被愛的模板，

which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness. 慣用語

這可能會嚴重破壞我們獲得幸福的機會。

The trickiness in our love types tends to go in one of three ways.

我們愛情類型的棘手之處通常有三種情況。

Let's imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive 表達脈絡

假設父親是冷漠、暴力或虐待狂，

or mum was belittling, unavailable, or controlling.

或者母親是貶低別人、不可依靠或控制欲強的。

It was horrible,

那些經歷很可怕，

yet that ends up being what we look for in love.

但那最終卻成為了我們在愛情中尋找的東西。

Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable? 語氣意圖

為什麼我們還要去重複那極其讓人不舒服的事情呢？

Well, because even though it was horrible, 文法

嗯，因為即使它很可怕，

it was still a love relationship.

它仍然是一段充滿愛的關係。

There was abuse,

那裡有虐待，

but also let's imagine a degree of familiarity,

但也讓我們假設其中有一點熟悉感、

admiration, attachment, and even tenderness.

欽佩、依戀，甚至溫柔。

They may have been belittling, 文法

他們可能總是在貶低我們，

but it's what we got used to.

但這就是我們已經習慣的。

And now, however illogical it sounds, 文法

那麼現在，不管聽起來多麼不符合邏輯，

it doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well. 文法

除非這種關係也有點可怕，否則就會覺得不對勁。

It's not nice as such, 用詞

這種感覺說不上好，

but it feels comfortingly, compellingly familiar.

但它有一種讓人覺得安慰、無法抗拒的熟悉感。

Or imagine we experienced first-hand

或者想像我們親身經歷了

what it was like to be made to feel terrible, 文法

讓人感到糟糕的滋味，

to be humiliated and hurt,

遭到羞辱和傷害，

and then weirdly,

然後奇怪的是，

we may end up doing the same thing to someone else,

我們最終可能會對別人做同樣的事情，

humiliating them in turn, 表達脈絡

反過來羞辱他們，

bossing them about, 片語動詞

對他們頤指氣使，

going cold on them just when they're vulnerable to us. 慣用語

就在他們對我們毫無防備時，突然變得冷酷無情。

It's as if a primitive part of us 文法

似乎我們內心的原始部分

thinks that the only way not to be abused 文法

認為不被虐待的唯一方法，

is to be the abuser.

就是成為施虐者。

Deep inside,

在內心深處，

the childlike emotional self thinks the person who did that thing to me was,

那個孩子般感性的自我想著：對我做那些事的那個人，

in a way,

在某種程度上，

the opposite of me,

是我的對立面，

and that must be the place of safety,

那一定是安全的地方，

and that's who I want to be in any relationship.

那才是我在任何關係中想成為的人。

When parents cause us trouble,

當父母給我們帶來困擾時，

we're often so keen to get away from it, 片語動詞

我們常常極度想要擺脫它，

we develop blocks around all kinds of character traits they may have had,

我們對他們可能具有的各種性格特徵產生了抗拒，

which might actually have been good

而有些特徵實際上可能很好，

and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits.

而且和那些令人煩惱的特徵其實毫無關係。

So, for example,

所以，例如，

our father might have been belittling,

我們的父親可能喜歡貶低別人，

but highly intelligent.

但非常聰明。

Now, regrettably,

現在，令人遺憾的是，

anyone intelligent can be seem hugely off-putting.

任何聰明的人似乎都變得極具排斥性。

Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality, 片語搭配

或者我們總是覺得母親在某種程度上厭惡性，

ours especially,

尤其是針對我們的性問題，

but she was really warm and cuddly.

但她真的很溫暖，讓人想擁抱。

Now, sadly,

如今，可悲的是，

anyone who's warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex

任何溫暖且惹人喜愛的人都會被想像成在性方面有懲罰性，

and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected.

因此感覺不對勁，必須被拒絕。

Our inner love maps are really hard to tease out. 講解

我們內心的愛情地圖真的很難梳理清楚。

They certainly don't spell themselves out. 片語動詞

它們肯定不會自己說個明白。

So we have to make efforts to find out what they're dictating,

因此，我們必須努力找出它們在發號施令些什麼，

so as to free ourselves from their demands. 文法

從而將自己從它們的要求中解放出來。

The investigation starts, 文法

這場調查，

as always,

像往常一樣，

by trying to understand ourselves.

從試圖了解我們自己開始。

What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers? 慣用語

我在我早期的看護者手中遭受了什麼？

Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy? 講解

我是否發現自己被我喜歡的成年人身上的這些特徵所吸引？

Am I causing trouble for people

我是否正在給別人帶來麻煩，

in ways I might have suffered from when I was young?

用我小時候可能受過的那種方式？

Am I putting off certain people

我是否在排斥某些人，

because they have traits I associate with people who caused me difficulties as a child? 片語搭配

因為他們具有某些我將其與兒時給我帶來困擾的人聯繫起來的特質？

Might I in other people 文法

我能在其他人身上

find the traits I like without the ones I fear?

找到我喜歡的特質，而沒有我害怕的特質嗎？

Emotional health means expanding on the number of people

情感健康意味著擴大那些

we're free to fall in love with.

我們可以自由去愛的人的範圍。

We learn about love in childhood,

我們在童年時期了解了愛，

but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood

但我們將自己從童年的創傷中解放出來，

when we realize we can love in different ways

當我們意識到我們可以用不同的方式去愛，

and get used to something 文法

並去習慣那些

that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar.

起初可能令人感到詭異和極具挑戰的陌生事物時。

Being happy with someone 表達脈絡

和一個合適且深刻地對我們有益的人在一起，

who is properly and deeply good for us.

獲得幸福。