缺乏愛的父母如何造就自我厭惡的孩子：英語精讀講義

A central fact about early childhood

關於童年早期的一個核心事實是

is that babies are born into the world entirely at the mercy of others. 慣用語

嬰兒一出生就完全任由他人擺布。

They have no native strength,

他們沒有天生的力量、

intelligence,

智力

or utility.

或實用性。

They cannot fight or complain,

他們不會反抗或抱怨，

walk away or argue their case. 片語搭配

不會走開或為自己爭辯。

Their survival depends solely on their capacity

他們的生存完全依賴於自己的能力，

to look up from their cots with vast innocent beautiful eyes

即從嬰兒床上用純潔美麗的大眼睛仰望，

and charm their parents into caring for them. 文法

吸引父母來照顧他們。

It's their power to attract love

正是他們吸引愛的能力

that ensures they will be fed and clothed,

確保了他們能吃飽穿暖，

protected and kept alive.

受到保護並活下去。

In exchange for this nurture, 片語搭配

作為這種養育的回報，

young children readily offer their parents or caregivers

幼兒很容易向父母或照顧者提供

unconditional admiration.

無條件的崇拜。

They naturally adore and are boundlessly impressed by those

他們天生敬愛並對那些人有無限的好感，

who pick them up and bathe them,

那些抱起他們並為他們洗澡、

warm their milk and change their sheets.

溫熱牛奶並更換床單的人。

They are in awe at these giant people

他們對這些高大的人敬畏不已，

who know how to turn on a washing machine

認為他們知道怎麼開洗衣機

and kick a ball over a tree.

還能把球踢過樹頂。

There is at this stage

在這個階段

no innate desire whatever

他們完全沒有天生的慾望

to question or doubt figures of authority.

去質疑或懷疑權威人物。

Given what is at stake, 講解

考慮到生死攸關，

it follows that small children are instinctively

小孩自然而然會本能地

hugely sensitive to how well they are doing

極度敏感於自己表現得有多好，

at getting their admired protectors on their side. 慣用語

以便把他們崇拜的保護者拉到自己這一邊。

If they feel they are loved,

如果他們感到被愛，

they can relax into themselves

就能放鬆下來做自己，

and get on with the many other pressing priorities of early childhood, 片語動詞

並繼續處理早期童年其他許多迫切的優先事項，

working out how to eat solids,

比如弄清楚如何吃固體食物，

figuring out what a plug socket is,

搞明白插座是什麼，

how a button functions,

按鈕怎麼用，

what words are and how soap bubbles form.

詞語是什麼以及肥皂泡是怎麼形成的。

But if love is in more restricted supply, 慣用語

但如果愛的供應比較有限，

the picture grows a whole lot more complicated.

情況就會變得複雜得多。

There are childhoods in which,

在一些童年裡，

for a variety of reasons,

由於種種原因，

parents fail to be charmed as they might be.

父母沒能像本來那樣被孩子吸引。

They leave the baby to scream,

他們任由嬰兒大哭，

they shout at one another,

他們互相大喊大叫，

there might be violence and hysteria,

可能會有暴力和歇斯底里、

lethargic despair and terror.

死氣沉沉的絕望和恐懼。

The young child knows instinctively it is in grave danger

幼兒本能地知道自己處於極大的危險之中，

if the situation is not somehow corrected

如果情況不能以某種方式得到糾正，

in extremis, 用詞

在極端情況下，

it may be left on a hillside to die.

它可能會被丟棄在荒郊野外等死。

At this point,

在這時，

our biology initiates a desperate yet darkly logical process. 表達脈絡

我們的生物本能啟動了一個絕望卻帶有陰暗邏輯的過程。

The young child starts to try a lot harder.

幼兒開始更加努力。

It redoubles its efforts to charm, 片語搭配

它加倍努力去吸引人，

to be good,

去乖乖聽話，

to do what could be expected of it,

去做別人期望它做的事，

to smile,

去微笑，

to ingratiate itself. 用詞

去討好別人。

It wonders what may be wrong with itself

它懷疑是不是自己有什麼問題

to explain the parental disapproval and harm

才會導致父母的反對和傷害，

and doesn't feel any alternative

並且覺得別無選擇，

but to search in its own character and behavior for answers.

只能在自己的性格和行為中尋找答案。

At the same time,

與此同時，

the child resists what might,

孩子抗拒那種可能

from an adult perspective,

在成年人看來

seem like the obvious move,

顯而易見的舉動，

to get annoyed with and blame the adults

即去生那些沒能盡責照顧它的

in the vicinity who are not looking after it as they should.

身邊大人的氣並責怪他們。

But such a bold thought does not belong

但如此大膽的想法並不屬於

to the defenselessness of the early years.

早年的無防備狀態。

We are in no position to mount a challenge to our protectors 片語搭配

我們根本沒有能力去向我們的保護者發起挑戰，

when we can hardly reach the door handle,

畢竟我們連門把手都夠不到，

let alone turn on a tap. 表達脈絡

更別提擰開水龍頭了。

We need to have our own front door key and bank account

我們需要擁有自己的大門鑰匙和銀行帳戶，

before cynicism is a realistic option.

憤世嫉俗才可能成為現實的選擇。

It is far more intuitive to wonder why we are horrid 文法

懷疑為什麼自己這麼討人厭，要直覺得多，

than to complain of being unfairly and unkindly treated.

而不是去抱怨受到了不公平和不友善的對待。

Small children,

小孩

therefore,

因此

naturally turn injury done to them 文法

自然會把受到的傷害

into dislike of themselves.

轉化為對自己的厭惡。

They ask not so much, 文法

他們不怎麼問：

"Why does my parent fail to care for me?"

「為什麼我的父母沒有好好照顧我？」

as "How might I have failed this admirable person?"

而是問：「我是不是辜負了這個令人欽佩的人？」

They hate themselves

他們恨自己，

rather than doubt those who should be protecting them.

而不是去懷疑那些本該保護他們的人。

Shame replaces anger.

羞恥取代了憤怒。

It feels,

它感覺起來，

on balance, 表達脈絡

總體而言，

like the safer option.

像是更安全的選擇。

A vicious spiral of self-hatred 慣用語

一個自我厭惡的惡性循環

then sets in. 片語動詞

隨之開始。

The unloved growing child

缺愛成長中的孩子

wonders constantly about their faults.

不斷懷疑自己的缺點。

Their parent may be alcoholic,

他們的父母可能酗酒、

narcissistic,

自戀、

sadistic or depressed.

施虐或者抑鬱。

They may never cook a proper meal

他們可能從來沒有做過一頓像樣的飯，

or shout intemperately from their bedroom.

或者在臥室裡無節制地大吼大叫。

But none of that matters in the slightest. 文法

但這一切都絲毫不要緊。

The parent cannot be envisaged 文法

父母的形象

as anything other than substantially impressive.

只能被想像為非常了不起。

To explain the lack of love

為了解釋為何得不到愛，

from the paragons of parenthood, 用詞

得不到這些模範父母的愛，

it must be that the child is an awful person. 文法

肯定是因為孩子是個糟糕的人。

They must be stupid and mean,

他們一定是愚蠢又刻薄，

selfish and slow,

自私又遲鈍，

physically repulsive,

外表令人反感，

and irritating and shallow.

而且煩人又淺薄。

As childhood gets left behind, 片語動詞

隨著童年被拋在腦後，

much of this dynamic is forgotten.

這種動態大部分都被遺忘了。

The adolescent and young adult

青少年和年輕的成年人

overlooks exactly what went on.

忽略了到底發生了什麼。

They cannot necessarily think clearly of the early years

他們不一定能清楚地回想起早年，

and parental figures may be keen that they never do so.

而父母角色可能也希望他們永遠不要去回想。

The former child can't tell anymore 用詞

曾經的孩子已經說不清

that their feeling of shame

他們那種羞恥感

has specific origins.

是否有著具體的根源。

It can feel like something they might have been born with,

它可能感覺像是與生俱來的東西，

a natural phenomenon,

是一種自然現象，

like bad weather or the flu.

就像壞天氣或流感。

Liberation awaits us when we dare to take on board 片語動詞

當我們敢於接受

a highly implausible idea,

一個極度不可思議的想法時，解放就在等待著我們：

that our self-hatred,

我們的自我厭惡，

far from being inevitable, 文法

絕非不可避免，

is an internalization of early deprivation

而是早期匱乏的內化；

and that far from needing to revere and admire

而且我們絕不需要去敬畏和崇拜

those who denied us love,

那些拒絕給予我們愛的人，

we are in a position to understand,

我們完全有立場去理解、

to question,

去質疑、

to be annoyed

去生氣、

and to mourn what we did not receive.

並哀悼我們未曾得到的愛。

We are not so despicable after all.

我們終究沒有那麼卑劣。

We've just,

我們只是，

till now,

迄今為止，

lacked any better ideas to explain

缺乏任何更好的想法來解釋

why we didn't manage to charm

為什麼我們沒能吸引

those who should have loved us from the start. 文法

那些本該從一開始就愛我們的人。

How to overcome your childhood

《如何克服你的童年》

is a book that teaches us how character is developed,

是一本教導我們性格是如何發展的書，

the concept of emotional inheritance,

探討了情感繼承的概念、

the formation of our concepts of being good or bad,

探討了好與壞概念的形成，

and the impact of parental styles of love

以及父母的愛的方式

on the way we choose adult partners.

對我們選擇成年伴侶方式的影響。