遇到喜歡的人，我們應該故作矜持嗎？：英語精讀講義

One of the paradoxes of the dating game 慣用語

約會遊戲的一個矛盾之處在於，

is that we know that

我們深知，

by coming across as enthusiastic at an early stage, 片語動詞

如果在早期階段表現得過於熱情，

if we bring them the next day,

如果我們第二天就給對方打電話，

if we're open about how attractive we find them,

如果我們坦言覺得對方有多迷人，

if we suggest meeting them again very soon,

如果我們提議盡快再次見面，

we are putting ourselves at a high risk 片語搭配

我們就是在冒著極大的風險，

of disgusting the very person 用詞

可能會引起那個

we would so like to build a relationship with.

我們非常想建立關係的對象的反感。

It is in order to counter this risk

正是為了規避這種風險，

that early on in our dating lives,

在我們早期的約會經歷中，

we are taught by well-meaning friends

善意的朋友們教導我們

to adopt a facade of cool and indifference. 慣用語

要偽裝出一副冷酷和滿不在乎的樣子。

We become experts at deliberately not phoning

我們變成了專家，故意不打電話，

or sending messages,

或者不傳訊息，

or treating our dates in a carefully off-hand manner, 用詞

或者用精心設計的漫不經心來對待約會對象，

and in subtly pretending we don't much care

並微妙地假裝我們並不怎麼在乎

if we never cross their paths again. 慣用語

以後是否還能與他們產生交集。

We are told that the only way to get them 文法

我們被告知，想讓他們

to care about us

在乎我們，

is to pretend not to care for them.

唯一的辦法就是假裝不在乎他們。

And in the process, 表達脈絡

在這個過程中，

we waste a lot of time.

我們浪費了大量的時間。

We may lose them altogether,

我們可能會徹底失去他們，

and we have to suffer the indignity 片語搭配

並且我們還要承受一種屈辱感去

of denying that we feel a desire

否認我們內心的渴望，

that should never have been associated with shame 文法

而這種渴望原本就不該

in the first place. 片語搭配

與羞恥扯上關係。

But we can find a way out of the conundrum 片語搭配

但我們可以找到擺脫這一困境的出路，

by drilling deeper into the philosophy 慣用語

只要更深入地剖析

that underpins the well-flagged danger

支撐「過度熱情很危險」這一已知論點的

of being overly eager.

背後哲學。

Why is detachment so often recommended?

為什麼人們常常建議保持距離？

Why are we not meant to call too soon? 文法

為什麼我們不應該太早打電話？

High levels of enthusiasm

高度熱情

are generally not recommended for one central reason,

通常不被推薦，有一個核心原因，

because they have been equated 片語搭配

因為它常常被等同於

with what is a true psychological problem,

一種真正的心理問題——

manic dependence.

狂熱依賴症。

In other words, 表達脈絡

換句話說，

calling too soon has become a symbol

過早打電話已經成為

of weakness, desperation,

軟弱、絕望的象徵，

and the inability to deal adequately

並且意味著你無法妥善應對

with life's challenges

生活中的挑戰，

without the constant support of a lover

除非有愛人的持續支持，

whose real identity the manically keen party

而這種狂熱的一方對這位愛人的真實身份

doesn't much care about,

並不怎麼關心，

because their underlying priority

因為他們根本的首要任務

is to ensure that they're never alone

是確保自己永遠不孤獨，

without someone

只要有人陪著就行，

rather than with any one being in particular.

而不是特定要和某個人在一起。

But we should note that what is ultimately the problem 文法

但我們應當注意，歸根結底，問題在於

is manic dependence,

狂熱的依賴，

not high enthusiasm.

而不是高度熱情。

The difficulty is that our cultural narratives

困難在於，我們的文化語境

have unfairly glued these two elements together 慣用語

不公平地將這兩個元素黏在了一起，

with an unnecessarily strong

並且使用的是一種毫無必要的強烈

and unbudging kind of adhesive.

且死板的黏合劑。

Yet there should logically be an option

然而，從邏輯上講，應該有一種辦法

to disentangle the two strands,

可以解開這兩種糾纏，

that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm

那就是能夠展現出高度的熱情，

and at the same time

同時

not thereby to imply manic dependence.

並不由此意味著狂熱的依賴。

There should be an option to appear

應該有一種選擇，能讓人看起來

at once very keen 文法

既非常渴望，

and very sane.

又十分理智。

The ability to do so depends

做到這一點的能力，取決於

on a little-known emotional art

一門鮮為人知的情感藝術，

to which we seldom have recourse 片語搭配

我們極少會用到

or introduction.

或接觸過它。

We call it strong vulnerability. 用詞

我們稱之為「強大的脆弱」。

The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat 慣用語

擁有「強大脆弱」的人是情緒的

of the emotions who manages carefully

外交官，他們能小心翼翼地

to unite,

將以下兩者結合起來：

on the one hand, 表達脈絡

一方面是

self-confidence and independence

自信與獨立，

and on the other,

另一方面是

a capacity for closeness,

建立親密關係、

self-revelation, and honesty.

吐露心聲與誠實的能力。

It is a balancing act. 慣用語

這是一個平衡的藝術。

The strongly vulnerable know how to confess

「強大脆弱」的人懂得如何

with authority to a sense of feeling small.

充滿底氣地坦承自己的渺小感。

They can sound in control

他們聽起來很有把控力，

even while revealing

即便在表露

that they have an impression of being lost.

自己感到迷惘時。

They can talk as adults

他們可以像成年人一樣

about their childlike dimensions.

談論自己孩子氣的一面。

They can be unfrightening

他們可以顯得溫和無害，

at the same time

同時

as admitting to their own fears.

坦承自己的恐懼。

And they can tell us of their immense desire

他們可以告訴我們，他們對我們充滿無盡的渴望，

for us while simultaneously leaving us under the impression 片語搭配

並且同時給我們留下這樣的印象：

that they could fully survive

哪怕遭到直白的拒絕，

a frank rejection.

他們也能泰然處之。

They would love to build a life with us,

他們暗示道，

they imply,

他們非常樂意和我們共度餘生，

but they could very quickly

但如果從我們的角度來看

and adroitly find something else to do

覺得這事兒沒什麼意思，

if that didn't sound much like fun 語氣意圖

他們也能迅速

from our side.

並且巧妙地找到別的事情去做。

In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak

從擁有「強大脆弱」的人表達

of their desire for us,

對我們渴望的方式中，

we sense a beguiling mixture

我們能感受到一種迷人的特質，

of candor and independence.

它融合了坦誠與獨立。

They don't need to play it cool 慣用語

他們不需要故作冷酷，

because they carry off high enthusiasm 片語動詞

因為他們展現出了高度的熱情，

in a way which sidesteps the dangers

卻巧妙地避開了

that playing cool has traditionally

故作冷酷傳統上所必然聯繫的

and nefariously been associated with.

那些糟糕危險。

What is off-putting is never, 講解

事實上，令人反感的

in fact, that someone likes us.

永遠不是有人喜歡我們。

What is frightening is that they seem in danger 片語搭配

真正讓人害怕的是，他們似乎陷入了一種

of having no options other than us, 文法

除了我們就別無選擇、

of not being able to survive without us.

沒有我們就活不下去的危險境地。

Manic dependence, not enthusiasm, 表達脈絡

狂熱的依賴，而不是熱情，

is only ever the problem.

才永遠是真正的問題。

With this distinction in mind, 表達脈絡

明確了這一區別後，

we should learn to tell those we like

我們應該學著去告訴自己喜歡的人，

that we're really extremely keen to see them again,

我們真的非常渴望再見到他們，

perhaps as early as tomorrow night,

也許最快明晚就想見，

and find them exceptionally marvelous,

並且覺得他們特別迷人；

while simultaneously leaving them in no doubt 片語搭配

同時，要確鑿無疑地給他們留下這樣的印象：

that we could, if the answer were a no, 文法

如果答案是否定的，

without trouble and at high speed,

我們也能毫無困擾地、迅速地，

find some equally enchanting people

找到同樣充滿魅力的人

to play with and be bewitched by.

去共度時光，並為之傾倒。

If you enjoyed our film,

如果你喜歡我們的影片，

please subscribe to our channel

請訂閱我們的頻道，

and click the bell icon

並點擊小鈴鐺圖標，

to turn on notifications.

開啟通知。

To learn more about love,

如果想了解更多關於愛的內容，

try our book on How to Find Love,

歡迎閱讀我們的著作《如何尋找真愛》，

which explains why we have the types we do

書裡解釋了為什麼我們會喜歡特定類型的人，

and how our early experiences

以及我們早年的經歷

shape how and whom we love.

是如何塑造我們的愛與所愛之人的。