如何與逃避型伴侶相處：英語精讀講義

There are for many of us

對我們許多人來說，

few people as attractive as the avoidant, 文法

很少有人能像逃避型人格那樣迷人，

the sort that are permanently a little mysterious,

他們總是帶有幾分神秘感，

who don't speak so much,

話不太多，

around whom one never quite knows where one is, 慣用語

和他們在一起，你永遠摸不清自己的位置，

in whose eyes there is a far away look

他們的眼神中常有一種遙遠的迷離，

and perhaps a certain melancholy too,

也許還帶著幾分憂鬱，

in whose hearts we intuit a sadness

我們能在他們心裡直覺到一種悲傷，

we long to but never quite can touch. 文法

我們渴望觸碰卻永遠無法真正企及。

People who seem to promise us intimacy and connection

這樣的人似乎向我們承諾了親密與連結，

and yet who remain,

然而他們卻始終，

however long we've been with them, 文法

無論我們和他們在一起多久，

mesmerizingly unreassuring. 用詞

都讓人感到一種迷幻般的不安。

Unsurprisingly,

毫不意外地，

it's not so easy to be the lover of an avoidant person.

成為逃避型人的愛人並不容易。

The tendency very often,

我們常常有一種傾向，

after the heady early days,

在經歷了令人陶醉的熱戀初期之後，

is to give in to the insecurities 片語動詞

就會屈服於不安全感，

they end up provoking in us. 片語動詞

這種感覺正是他們最終在我們心中引發的。

Do they really care?

他們真的在乎嗎？

Do they love us back?

他們也愛我們嗎？

Why are they never the ones to call?

為什麼他們從來不主動打電話？

Beset by such questions, 片語搭配

被這些問題困擾，

we may get cross, tearful, or stern.

我們可能會變得憤怒、流淚或嚴厲。

We may accuse them of neglect and selfishness, 片語搭配

我們可能會指責他們疏忽和自私，

of betrayal or egocentricity.

指責他們背叛或以自我為中心。

These sort of inquisitions can be counted on to fail. 片語動詞

這類盤問注定會以失敗告終。

At the first signs of critique,

一旦出現批評的苗頭，

avoidant people pull up the drawbridge. 慣用語

逃避型的人就會拉起心中的弔橋。

They are experts at fleeing the messy consequences

他們是逃避麻煩後果的專家，

of other people's desire for them.

這些麻煩往往源於別人對他們的渴望。

They go off to play sport,

他們跑去打球，

abscond on a long journey, 用詞

溜去長途旅行，

or discover new responsibilities at the office.

或者在辦公室裡接手新的職責。

One is left hammering in vain at the gates of their personal citadel. 慣用語

留下我們徒勞地敲打著他們個人堡壘的大門。

On a bad day,

在心情不好的時候，

they may also get furious back.

他們可能還會暴怒地反擊。

They will deny that we have any kind of point at all. 片語搭配

他們會否認我們說的話有任何道理。

They aren't trying to deceive us,

他們並不是在試圖欺騙我們，

they genuinely can't see the issue.

而是真的看不到問題所在。

They aren't,

他們不是——

they assure us with mounting vehemence, 語氣意圖

他們會帶著越來越強烈的怨氣向我們保證——

distant and cold,

遙遠又冷酷，

they're simply busy

他們只是很忙，

and not into certain kinds of sentimentality. 用詞

而且不喜歡某些多愁善感的矯情。

It is we, 文法

真正有問題的是我們，

needy, weak, hysterical and over demanding,

我們黏人、軟弱、歇斯底里、要求過高，

as they put it,

就像他們說的那樣，

who are the problem.

我們才是問題的根源。

We almost agree.

我們幾乎都要同意了。

To survive,

為了生存下去，

we should hold on to the idea 片語動詞

我們必須堅持這樣一個信念：

that despite their robust outward manner,

儘管他們外表看起來很強悍，

the avoidant are, above all else, 片語搭配

但逃避型的人首先是

scared.

充滿恐懼的。

Their frostiness is the result of fear rather than indifference. 文法

他們的冰冷源於恐懼，而非冷漠。

And what they are afraid of is to let down their guard 慣用語

他們害怕的是放下防備，

and then meet with betrayal and abandonment.

然後遭遇背叛和拋棄。

Their outward strength masks a gelatinous interior. 慣用語

他們強悍的外表掩蓋著脆弱柔軟的內心。

There will inevitably be a rather touching backstory to their advanced subterranean fears.

在他們深藏的心底恐懼背後，必然有一個令人動容的過往。

These avoidant types were,

這些逃避型的人，

way back,

在很久以前，

most likely let down very badly 片語動詞

很可能被他們極度依賴的人

by someone they depended on a lot

狠狠地辜負過，

when they were defenseless.

當時他們還毫無防備能力。

In response to a grave childhood disappointment,

為了應對童年時期的一次嚴重失望，

they grew an extra thick skin 慣用語

他們長出了格外厚的臉皮，

and plated themselves with armor.

並為自己披上了鎧甲。

They vowed, 文法

他們發誓，

in a way they may not now even recognize,

以一種他們現在甚至可能意識不到的方式，

never to trust anyone fully again.

永遠不再完全信任任何人。

So,

所以，

they are distant and prone to put up barriers, 片語搭配

他們保持距離，傾向於築起心牆，

not because they don't care, 文法

不是因為他們不在乎，

but because being cared for with kindness

而是因為被善意地關懷

generates unfamiliar and daunting feelings for them.

會讓他們產生一種陌生而可怕的感覺。

They skillfully undermine their chances of being close 片語搭配

他們巧妙地破壞了自己獲得親密的機會，

because they have no experience of reliable love

因為他們沒有過可靠的愛的經驗，

and are drawn to try to spoil it 片語搭配

並且不由自主地試圖搞砸它，

to prove to themselves that it can't be real

以向自己證明那不可能是真的，

and that they haven't, therefore,

從而證明他們並沒有，

missed out on quite so much. 片語動詞

錯失太多東西。

We should avoid getting stuck in cycles of claim and counter-claim 慣用語

我們應該避免陷入那種聲明與反聲明的循環之中：

that they might be too cold

我們覺得他們太冷漠，

and that we might be too hot.

他們覺得我們太熱情。

Far better to address the fears 文法

更好的做法是去解決

circulating beneath the surface. 慣用語

那些在表面之下湧動的恐懼。

Rather than provoking their panic or denial, 文法

我們應該盡可能地

we should, as best we can, 慣用語

讓親密變得安全，

make closeness feel safe. 文法

而不是引發他們的恐慌或否認。

We should remember that we're dealing with someone

我們應該記住，我們面對的是一個

who finds vulnerability frightening

覺得脆弱很可怕的人，

and therefore not meet their impulse to flee with punitiveness. 片語搭配

因此不要用懲罰來應對他們逃避的衝動。

But, more crucially,

但是，更關鍵的是，

we might along the way start to ask ourselves a few key questions. 慣用語

在這個過程中我們也許該開始問自己幾個關鍵問題。

How similar are we to them

在表面差異之下，

beneath the apparent differences?

我們和他們到底有多相似？

It's easy to claim that one has an uncomplicated desire to be close

很容易聲稱自己有著對親密關係純粹的渴望，

so long as one isn't put to the test 講解

只要自己沒有真正經受考驗，

because one has carefully picked out a person who has problems being close. 片語動詞

因為自己已經精心挑選了一個在親密關係上有障礙的人。

Yet, in truth,

然而，說實話，

how simple is closeness for us, really?

親密對我們來說真的那麼簡單嗎？

Might we not be as scared as they are, 語氣意圖

我們會不會和他們一樣害怕，

but simply have passed our share of the problem on to them to hold? 片語動詞

只是把我們那份問題推給了他們去承受？

Shouldn't we be suspicious of the way that we managed reject other warmer candidates

難道我們不該懷疑自己是如何拒絕了其他更熱情的人選，

in favor of this distant figure? 片語搭配

而偏偏選擇這個冷淡的身影嗎？

Is it really an accident that we are with them,

我們和他們在一起真的是偶然嗎，

or isn't it in some way satisfying to us as well,

還是說在某種程度上這也滿足了我們自己，

allowing us to claim that we want intimacy

讓我們能夠宣稱自己渴望親密，

without having to bear any of its costs? 文法

卻不必承擔任何代價？

Through such pointed questions,

透過這些尖銳的問題，

we stand to realize that most probably 片語搭配

我們有可能會意識到，極有可能

the fear of closeness exists on both sides.

雙方都存在對親密關係的恐懼。

It's just that they are directly distant

只是他們直接表現為疏遠，

and we are so by proxy. 用詞

而我們是透過代理人間接疏遠。

We can break away from caricatures and, 片語動詞

我們可以打破臉譜化的刻板印象，並且，

as a couple,

作為伴侶，

own up to our mutual terrors of dependence. 片語動詞

坦誠我們對依賴的共同恐懼。

We can start to sympathize with one another's techniques

我們可以開始同情彼此的手段，

for warding off anxiety 片語動詞

那些用來抵禦焦慮的手段，

and help each other to accept the common risks of love. 片語搭配

並互相幫助接受愛的共同風險。

That will be the beginning of true closeness and bravery on both sides.

這將是雙方獲得真正親密與勇敢的開始。

Did you know we also have an app to help you meet people with whom you can have deeper,

你知道嗎，我們還有一款應用程式可以幫您遇到那些能建立更深、

more meaningful connections?

更具意義連結的人？

Follow the link on your screen now to download it.

現在就點擊螢幕上的連結下載吧。